It's a Gift Quotes

Harold Open the door for Mr. Muckle.

Everett What?

Harold Open the door for Mr. Muckle, the blind man!

Fitchmueller HOW ABOUT MY CUMQUATS?

Everett Whadya say?

Fitchmueller CUMQUATS!

Taglines LOOK THIS GIFT IN THE FACE IF YOU WANT A BIG HORSE-LAUGH!

Mrs. Dunk What have you in the way of steaks?

Harold Nothing in the way of steaks, we can get right to them!

Amelia Now look what you've done!

Harold She ran right in front of the car!

Amelia It's a statue, you idiot.

Harry Payne Bosterly You're drunk!

Harold And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

Amelia Why were you standing there like a stone image when those men were insulting me?

Harold I was just waiting for one of em to say something to me.

Taglines California or Bust! And what they don't burn, they practically wreck...just as they will wreck you with laughter in this coast-to-coast joy-ride!

Harold What can I do, uh... WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

Muckle Have you got any chewing gum?

Harold Uh, yes we have. YES WE HAVE! YES! YES WE HAVE!

Fitchmueller HOW ABOUT MY CUMQUATS?!

Harold Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming.

Amelia Funny thing they should call you up here at this hour of the night from the maternity hospital.

Harold They didn't call me up here from the maternity hospital. They wanted to know if this was the maternity hospital!

Amelia Oh! Now you change it!

Harold No I didn't change it, dear. I told you. They asked me if this was the maternity hospital.

Amelia Don't make it any worse!...I don't know how you expect anybody to get any sleep, hopping in and out of bed all night, tinkering around the house, waiting up for telephone calls. You have absolutely no consideration for anybody but yourself. I have to get UP in the morning, get breakfast for YOU and the children. I have no MAID, you know. Probably never shall have.

Fitchmueller C-u-m-q-u-a-t-s.

Harold Oh yeah, C - U - M -

Fitchmueller q-u-a-t-s, quats, quats.

Harold Two quats?

Fitchmueller No, one quat.

Harold Oh yea, Q - U - A -

Fitchmueller t-s, t-s.

Harold T -

Fitchmueller s, s, s.

Harold Oh yes, yes, I've got it. S - S - is cumquats. Yes. Now uhm, let me see, uh?

Mildred You're just trying to ruin the lives and future of everybody in this family.

Harold Me?

Mildred You don't care how much you take me away from people I like.

Amelia Harold, are you listening to me?

Harold Oh yes, yes, dear, go on, go on...

Amelia What did I say last?

Harold Yes, yes, every word of it, yes..

Mildred I never knew such an ungrateful father.

Harold Listen, you've all got to realize one thing that I am the master of this household.

Amelia HAROLD!

Harold Yes, dear?

Amelia I don't know why it is that every time I want to talk to you, you're off in some other part of the house. I have to shout, SHOUT, SHOUT! No wonder the neighbors know all about our private affairs. I get little enough opportunity as it is to find out what's going on, without you running away as if I had the SMALLPOX or something. Every time I open my MOUTH...

Norman What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me anymore?

Harold Certainly I love ya.

Amelia Don't you strike that child!

Harold Well, he's not gonna tell me I don't love him.

Amelia Harold, I want one thing settled. If you get any money from your Uncle Bean, you are not going to buy an orange ranch with it.

Harold Oh, no, no, no, no.

Amelia Don't try that innocent look with me. We need things in the house. I haven't a STITCH to my back! The children need clothes. And we should have a car...I don't know where you get the idea you can make money raising oranges when you can't even run a corner grocery store.

Harold I know a lot about raising oranges.

Amelia What are you so nervous about? You haven't eaten a bite.

Harold I'm not hungry.

Amelia Well, that won't be worth eating if you put any more salt on it.

Harold Oh, no, no, no, no. How much did it cost to fix these skates?

Amelia Wait, I'm not through with you. Now I KNOW you've got something on your mind. You're CONSTANTLY doing things behind my back and I know nothing about them till you're in some sort of a SCRAPE and I have to get you out. Remember that scheme to revive the celluloid collar you had a couple of years ago? Well, THAT was going to make us a fortune. WHERE is it? Now you've got an orange ranch on your mind. Well, nothing will come of it. You're not going to drag me and the children across this country, away from friends and relatives. If any money comes into this family, I'M going to handle it and put it to some practical purpose. And THAT'S that...

Amelia The only real money you ever have and you throw it away before you get your hands on a penny of it!...I don't see how you got the bank to lend you money on the strength of your getting anything from Uncle Bean's estate. Probably stopped into the saloon on the way there...Never a thought of me or the children. No insurance. Nothing. What if something should happen to you? Your Uncle Bean wasn't much older than you are...Are you listening to me? Wake up. Wake up and go to sleep! I've given you the best years of my life...And now I suppose I'll have to spend the rest of them depending on that grocery store for a bare existence.

Harold I sold the grocery store...I'm now in the orange business.

Salesman Is this 1726 Prill Avenue?

Harold No.

Salesman Is there a Prill Avenue in this neighborhood?

Harold I don't know.

Salesman Do you know a man by the name of La Fong? Carl LaFong! Capital L, small a, capital F, small o, small n, small g. LaFong! Carl LaFong!

Harold No, I don't know Carl LaFong, capital L, small a, capital F, small o, small n, small g. And if I did know Carl LaFong, I wouldn't admit it.

Salesman Well, he's a railroad man and he leaves home very early in the morning.

Harold Well, he's a chump.