It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Quotes

First Cabbie That'll be two ninety.

Melville Crump Okay, here's three dollars. Wait for us, okay?

First Cabbie Oh, sure.

Melville Crump Wise guy.

Hardware Store Clerk I'm sorry, we're closed. It's twelve o'clock on Sunday.

Melville Crump It's twelve o'clock, they're closed. Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.

Hardware Store Clerk Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...

Melville Crump Dinckler! That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on!

Otto Meyer Oh, no! It's that lunatic! The one who escaped from the asylum! He's a homicidal maniac! He's got a hate complex! Go away, I'm not your nurse!

Russell I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.

Col. Hawthorne Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.

Russell All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.

Col. Hawthorne And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.

Russell You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned, the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago. What are you stopping for?

Col. Hawthorne Get out of this machine.

Russell Get out? You can't...

Col. Hawthorne It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well, please. Out!

Russell I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.

Col. Hawthorne Glad to hear you say so. I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.

Russell Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?

Col. Hawthorne Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.

Fitzgerald Uh...Just a minute. I...I cahhn't see.

Dingy Bell What?

Fitzgerald Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't - I cahhn't see!

Dingy Bell You cahhn't see?! He cahhn't see!

Benjamin Must be an eye cold.

Fitzgerald George! George!

Monica Mount Shasta National Forest. Are we anywhere near Mount Shasta...

Melville Crump That's on the top. Look down near the bottom.

Monica Are we near Oregon?

Melville Crump It's seven hundred miles from here!

Mrs. Morgan (A very funny line). Comedian ] was written in to play a doctor to say a line at the end of the movie. He turned it down. He jokingly said he would be "Mrs. Morgan" in a letter to a fan.

Russell And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...

Lennie Pike Listen, anything you can say about your mother in law, you don't have to tell me! You know what I mean? It's like, if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it!

Russell Whoa! Hey d-did ya see it, the way he went sailing right out there? He just went sailing right out there.

Melville Crump It was terrible, I m-a-mean just terrible. He musta been doin over eighty ya know.

Russell An ambulance - we better, we oughta call an ambulance.

Dingy Bell Oh...Oh look at that car.

Russell He went sailing right out there.

Dingy Bell How bout you doin ninety miles an hour?

Russell I wasn't doin - he was passin me.

Dingy Bell We weren't standin still when he passed us...

Russell I never saw such a crazy guy in my life!...

Lennie Pike Come on, let's get down there!

Russell W...We're gonna go down there, you stay in the car.

Emmeline Now Russell, be careful, remember your condition.

Mrs. Marcus Eh.

Russell Ooh, boy the way he just sailed out there.

Melville Crump Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.

Dingy Bell Listen, Dentist: I hate dentists! And I hate you so much, that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!

Benjamin And visa versa.

Melville Crump Why you...Come on over here! Come on over here!

Taglines Everybody who's ever been funny is in it!

Taglines It's The Biggest Entertainment Ever To Rock The Screen With Laughter!

Otto Meyer Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on! Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!

Russell Here, take this and go hire us the best car you can find.

Lennie Pike But...this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.

Russell We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?

Lennie Pike Oh, okay...I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?

Benjamin Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!

Dingy Bell And may the best man win!

Benjamin Right! Except you, lady! You can just DROP DEAD!!!

Pike All right, now we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...

Sylvester I'm coming. That's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you.

Lennie Pike So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!

Melville Crump Let me explain once more. Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. Those over there, them, they get $97,000. We, we, us they get $84,000. And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.

Lennie Pike What do you mean "tax free"?

Man in Car in Desert Trouble? Having any trouble?

Mrs. Marcus Yes, and we don't need any help from you!

Man in Car in Desert Well!

Sylvester Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me? Where are you?

Mrs. Marcus I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City! And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened?!

Sylvester Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.

Mrs. Marcus Will you shut up and listen?!

Sylvester Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.

Mrs. Marcus Sylvester-!

Sylvester I'm coming to get you, Mom!

Mrs. Marcus Shut up and let me talk-!

Sylvester Everything is gonna be all right!

Lennie Pike Well?

Mrs. Marcus So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right". EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

Mrs. Marcus Now for the last time! Are we calling Sylvester or not?!

Russell No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to BECOME a crook!

Col. Hawthorne I say: Good show!

Smiler Grogan Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this... ...buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years! Watch out. Watch out for the bulls. Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere. Bulls all over the place. You just drive down and dig it up. Dig it all up. And then - and then you fix yourselves all up. Fix yourselves all up. Walk down the street like a king, back to the old neighborhood. See the fellas, the dames - the dames, all with a big hello - a big hello for old Smiler. Good old Smiler, everybody's friend. Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!

Lennie Pike Holy mackerel, take it easy, mister!

Russell Easy!

Smiler Grogan Please! Please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle! Please! You gotta say! You gotta tell me it don't make any difference!

Dingy Bell For heaven's sake, tell him.

Melville Crump It - It don't make any difference.

Lennie Pike That guy is dead. You better believe it.

Benjamin Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

Dispatcher Attention, all units. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let them out?

Culpeper How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?! We've got to let them out!

Police Sergeant That ain't fair.

Culpeper It ain't fair? What ain't fair?

Police Sergeant They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.

Culpeper But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?

Police Sergeant Ah. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.

Culpeper Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over. Are you happy?

Air Traffic Control Tower Staffer If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?

Dingy Bell What do you mean "who's flying the plane"?! Nobody's flying the plane!

Benjamin It's all your fault, It's your fault right from beginning to end!

Col. Hawthorne You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous!

Sylvester Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no! You just had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.

Dingy Bell We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.

Melville Crump 14 into $350,000...

Dingy Bell Oh, shut up!

Otto Meyer I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... ...what happens to you, I hope will be worse!

Culpeper I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there...to throw the book at!

2nd Cabbie Awww...that's tough!

Culpeper I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there will be something that I could laugh at, anything.

Mrs. Marcus Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...!

Sylvester Mama!

Mrs. Marcus Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!!!

Migrant Truck Driver I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I didn't want to move to California.

Taglines If ever this mad, mad, mad, mad world needed "It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world" it's now! (1970 reissue)

Russell Let's stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.

Col. Hawthorne Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!

Russell Yeah.

Col. Hawthorne Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Mrs. Marcus Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?

Col. Hawthorne Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Mrs. Marcus Sounds so foreign.

Col. Hawthorne Really?

Sylvester Who are they?

Mrs. Marcus I don't know.

Sylvester From this morning?

Mrs. Marcus Yes.

Sylvester Who is he?

Mrs. Marcus I don't know.

Sylvester Who is he?

Mrs. Marcus I don't know.

Sylvester Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing? Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.