31 quotes
Humor in Unexpected Situations
Billy
Sometimes he shits himself.
[''To the grocery store employee'']
Irving Zisman
I don't shit myself, you little prick!
[''Turns to Billy'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Humor in an Awkward Situation
Irving Zisman
You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had ]. And if you went; "ow..." it means you got something cause the cuts burn. I never went; "ow...", but one time. It's all cleared up now, though. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
[''To a woman''; [w:Sexually transmitted infection|any diseases]
Bingo Woman #1
Oh, okay.
Irving Zisman
Alright. Just to prove to you I don't have anything , ladies, I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.
Bingo Woman #2
Oh my god!
Irving Zisman
Okay. Watch this. Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes! Nothing. Nothing. I got nothing. That is free advertising right there. It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that. That's just between us girls. I'm gonna have to have that checked out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A humorous moment in a store setting
Irving Zisman
] in the store] Now, let's get ].
[''While making [[w:ham sandwich|a ham sandwich; [w:mustard|some damn mustard]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Drinking and Weight
Billy
You shouldn't drink so much.
[''While pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street'']
Irving Zisman
Pipe down! Oh, God...
[''Moans'']
Billy
Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
[''Keeps pushing the cart'']
Irving Zisman
Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
[''Mumbling'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Observation on Clothing Malfunction
Irving Zisman
Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Exchange About Flatulence
Billy
Did you just toot, grandpa?
Irving Zisman
That was a church house creeper.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gratitude for Unlawful Actions
Billy
Thanks for the crime!
[''To moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bargain for a Bed
Irving Zisman
You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
Woman #1
No.
Irving Zisman
Seventy-five dollars.
Woman #2
What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman
It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying?
[''Chuckles'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Brief Romance in a Day
Irving Zisman
Was she your girlfriend?
['"About a girl Billy knew'']
Billy
Yeah...
Irving Zisman
How long did you go out with her?
Billy
A day.
Irving Zisman
A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
[''Bursts out laughing'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Moments of Humor in Family Dynamics
Billy
EW, GRANDPA, YOU SHARTED !
[''After Irving defecates on the restaurant wall'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Irving's Humorous Spanish Name Introduction
Irving Zisman
My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Challenge of Changing Face Color
Billy
Wanna see how red I can get my face?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Unexpected Moments of Life
Irving Zisman
Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!
[''Upon hearing his wife had died'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Child's Dream Amidst Family Struggles
Billy
You know what I wanna be when I grow up?
[''At the law office'']
Lady
What?
Billy
A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
Lady
I'm sorry to hear that.
[''Gives Billy an awkward look'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aging and Maintaining a Playful Spirit
Irving Zisman
I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure!
[''Chuckles'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Naming a Stripper: A Humorous Exchange
Billy
What's your stripper's stage name?
Adult bookstore clerk
Do I look like ]?
[[w:stripper|a stripper]
Billy
I'll just call you Cinnamon.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Drunk Grandpa's Remark
Billy
Grandpa, I'm fuckin wasted.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Controversial Take on Loss and Grief
Billy
She passed away.
[''About his grandma'']
Woman
Oh dear, that's very sad.
[''Gently'']
Irving Zisman
Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman
Jeez. My goodness!
[''Gasps'']
Irving Zisman
Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reaction to a Bold Statement
Irving Zisman
I bet you got ], huh?
[''Rubbing up against an African American male stripper''; [w:Stereotypes of African Americans#Mandingo|a pretty big Tootsie Roll]
Male Stripper
Man, what the fuck?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father-Son Bonding Moment
Billy
You're my dad. High five, Dad!
[''To a random man on the street'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Age and Vulnerability in Unexpected Situations
Bicycle man
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
Irving Zisman
Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Age Doesn't Limit My Abilities
Irving Zisman
I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Irving's Unusual Compliment about Attractiveness
Irving Zisman
You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Irving Zisman's Sweet Chocolate Enthusiasm
Irving Zisman
I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Business Troubles in Unexpected Conversations
Irving Zisman
Why are you shaking your head?
Chuck
Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.
Irving Zisman
Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?
Chuck
I sell computers!
Irving Zisman
Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Enduring Frustration After Death
Irving Zisman
She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!
[''About his deceased wife'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Reference to Clothing Mishap
Irving Zisman
Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for Chickens and Fun
Irving Zisman
We need some chickens and a big side of poontang!
[''To a fast-food outlet employee''; ''Laughs'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Prayer for Unexpected Companions
Irving Zisman
Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
[''After putting his dead wife in his trunk'']
James
Come on, man! Are you serious?
[''Walks away'']
Irving Zisman
In your name we pray. Amen.
[''Continues with his prayer'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Grandpa's Bacon Observation
Irving Zisman
I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa.
[''To Billy at the diner''; ''Farts'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Dilemma in a Soda Machine
Irving Zisman
Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.