Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013) - Quotes

Billy: Wanna see how red I can get my face?

Billy: Did you just toot, grandpa?

Irving Zisman: That was a church house creeper.

Irving Zisman: [''After putting his dead wife in his trunk''] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...

James: [''Walks away''] Come on, man! Are you serious?

Irving Zisman: [''Continues with his prayer''] In your name we pray. Amen.

Billy: [''About his grandma''] She passed away.

Woman: [''Gently''] Oh dear, that's very sad.

Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.

Woman: [''Gasps''] Jeez. My goodness!

Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.

Irving Zisman: ['"About a girl Billy knew''] Was she your girlfriend?

Billy: Yeah...

Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?

Billy: A day.

Irving Zisman: [''Bursts out laughing''] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!

Irving Zisman: Why are you shaking your head?

Chuck: Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.

Irving Zisman: Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?

Chuck: I sell computers!

Irving Zisman: Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.

Billy: [''While pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street''] You shouldn't drink so much.

Irving Zisman: [''Moans''] Pipe down! Oh, God...

Billy: [''Keeps pushing the cart''] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?

Irving Zisman: [''Mumbling''] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?

Billy: [''At the law office''] You know what I wanna be when I grow up?

Lady: What?

Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.

Lady: [''Gives Billy an awkward look''] I'm sorry to hear that.

Irving Zisman: [''To a woman''; [w:Sexually transmitted infection|any diseases] You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had ]. And if you went; "ow..." it means you got something cause the cuts burn. I never went; "ow...", but one time. It's all cleared up now, though. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.

Bingo Woman #1: Oh, okay.

Irving Zisman: Alright. Just to prove to you I don't have anything , ladies, I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.

Bingo Woman #2: Oh my god!

Irving Zisman: Okay. Watch this. Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes! Nothing. Nothing. I got nothing. That is free advertising right there. It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that. That's just between us girls. I'm gonna have to have that checked out.

Irving Zisman: [''Rubbing up against an African American male stripper''; [w:Stereotypes of African Americans#Mandingo|a pretty big Tootsie Roll] I bet you got ], huh?

Male Stripper: Man, what the fuck?!

Billy: [''To the grocery store employee''] Sometimes he shits himself.

Irving Zisman: [''Turns to Billy''] I don't shit myself, you little prick!

Irving Zisman: You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?

Woman #1: No.

Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.

Woman #2: What's so special about it?

Irving Zisman: [''Chuckles''] It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying?

Bicycle man: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!

Irving Zisman: Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!

Billy: What's your stripper's stage name?

Adult bookstore clerk: [[w:stripper|a stripper] Do I look like ]?

Billy: I'll just call you Cinnamon.

Billy: [''To a random man on the street''] You're my dad. High five, Dad!

Billy: Grandpa, I'm fuckin wasted.

Billy: [''After Irving defecates on the restaurant wall''] EW, GRANDPA, YOU SHARTED !

Billy: [''To moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk''] Thanks for the crime!

Irving Zisman: Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.

Irving Zisman: I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!

Irving Zisman: Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.

Irving Zisman: You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic.

Irving Zisman: [''Upon hearing his wife had died''] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!

Irving Zisman: [''To a fast-food outlet employee''; ''Laughs''] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang!

Irving Zisman: [''About his deceased wife''] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!

Irving Zisman: Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!

Irving Zisman: I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.

Irving Zisman: [''To Billy at the diner''; ''Farts''] I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa.

Irving Zisman: [''While making [[w:ham sandwich|a ham sandwich; [w:mustard|some damn mustard] ] in the store] Now, let's get ].

Irving Zisman: [''Chuckles''] I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure!

Irving Zisman: My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.