Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015) - Quotes

Eggsy: I know this bloke who's taken over a tailor shop on Saville Row. It's given me a job, Mum. Comes with a lot of perks. Including a house. Come and live with me there, Mum. Come on.

Harry: You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss car.

Eggsy: [to Hart] You shot a dog just to get a job?!

Harry: [walking into toilet where there is a stuffed dog on the mantelpiece] Yes. And Mr Pickle here reminds me of that, every time I take a shit.

Eggsy: You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak!

Harry: No, I shot my dog, brought him home, and continued to care for him for the next 11 years until he died of pancreatitis!

Eggsy: What?

Harry: It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank. Remember Amelia?

Eggsy: Yeah.

Harry: She didn't drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin. She's fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of one life to save another.

Eggsy: My dad might have saved your life, even though your fuck-up cost his? What, you've got him stuffed here and all?

Harry: Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him?

Eggsy: Aren't you that princess who went missing?

Eggsy: If I do, will you give me a kiss? I've always wanted to kiss a princess.

Princess Tilde: I'll give you more than just a kiss.

Eggsy: Sorry love, but I've got to save the world.

Princess Tilde: If you save the world, we can do it in the arsehole.

Eggsy: [monotone voice] I'll be right back.

Church Leader: And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the Antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...

Merlin: [remotely watching] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?

Church Leader: So, my friends, although he is a just God, he is just a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...

Gazelle: Are you sure we're out of range?

Valentine: We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?

Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?

Valentine: You just have to trust me.

Church Leader: ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.

Harry: Would you excuse me?

Church Blonde Woman: [Harry tries to leave the church] Where are you going? Hey! What's your problem?

Harry: I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

Valentine: Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.

Church Leader: [continuing his sermon] I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend!

Church Blonde Woman: Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!

Eggsy: [remotely watching] Holy fuck!

Valentine: Oh, shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

Harry: South Glade Mission Church. Merlin, get the plane ready.

Merlin: Will do.

Eggsy: I am so sorry, I'm gonna do every...

Harry: You should be. You just stay right there, I'll sort this mess out when I get back.

Michelle Unwin: [Hugs Eggsy] Where have you been? I've been so worried about you!

Eggsy: Oh my days, look how big you've grown!

Eggsy: [Referring to Dean] Where is he?

Michelle Unwin: I'm fine. Eggsy, please, please, just don't get involved.

Eggsy: No, I should've never left you on your own. This stops right now. I'll be right back.

Michelle Unwin: Eggsy...

Eggsy: Oi! Dean!

Dean: Oh, Mugsy. So you're back. What, you've gone and nicked a fucking taxi now?

Eggsy: Yeah. Can I have a word about my mum's black eye?

Dean: You want to have a word with me? You get out of that cab, I'll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse.

Eggsy: Tell your muppets to go inside, then I'll get out.

Eggsy: Who the fuck are you? Where am I?

The Interrogator: This knife can save your life.

Eggsy: [Struggling to get out of the ropes] Fuck!

The Interrogator: My employer's got two questions for you, Eggsy. What the fuck is Kingsman? And who is Harry Hart?

Eggsy: I don't know who the fuck that is! Shit!

The Interrogator: Oh, Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends who gave me the same bullshit answer!

Eggsy: Fuck! Just cut the fucking ropes, please!

The Interrogator: Hey, Eggsy, is Kingsman worth dying for?

Eggsy: FUCK YOOOOOOU!

Harry: Congratulations. Bloody well done.

Eggsy: How'd the others do?

Harry: Roxy passed with flying colours. Charlie's up next. Want to watch?

Eggsy: Yeah. Alright.

The Interrogator: Is Kingsman worth dying for?

Charlie: No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here!

The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.

Charlie: No, that wasn't the fucking deal! FUUUUUUUCK!

Arthur: I've had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace.

Charlie: I'm so sorry. Please untie me.

Arthur: Untie yourself.

Charlie: Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone!

Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood?

Merlin: Good. Dismissed.

Merlin: Charlie. Time to go home.

Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking Dad's going to hear about this!

Princess Tilde: Just let me out, you psycho!

Richmond Valentine: I told you, you're free to go anytime you want, as long as you agree to my conditions.

Princess Tilde: I don't agree and I am never, ever going to agree!

Michelle Unwin: Eggsy. Just go please, because he's going to...

Michelle Unwin: [Places her hands on Dean's shoulder; Dean turns his attention away from Eggsy towards Michelle and grabs Michelle by the throat] No, please! Don't hurt him!

Dean: [Dean pushes Michelle away; Dean turns his attention back to Eggsy] Fuck off! Get the fuck away! Shut the fuck up! Who was with you in that fucking pub? I want to know the name of the geezer you was with!

Eggsy: I wasn't with no one!

Dean: [Slaps Eggsy] Who was it?

Eggsy: I don't know what you're on about.

Dean: [Slaps Eggsy again] Who was it?!

Eggsy: I don't know who you're fucking on about!

Dean: Fucking tell me his name!

Eggsy: I don't know who you're fucking on about!

Dean: [Slaps Eggsy again as Harry hears] You listen to me! I want to know who was with you in that pub. Do you understand? I want to know his fucking name! Because, I swear, I'll rip your mouth! Tell me!

Eggsy: I don't know who you're fucking on about!

Dean: Tell me!

Michelle Unwin: Just tell him, Eggsy!

Dean: [Dean threatens Eggsy with the meat cleaver] Fuck off! Fuck off, Michelle! I could kill you right now and no one in the whole world will notice!

Harry Hart: But I would. I have enough evidence on your activities to have you locked up for the rest of your life, Mr Dean Anthony Baker.

Dean: What the fuck?

Harry Hart: [Dean puts the meat cleaver down] So I suggest you leave the boy alone, or I shall be forced to deliver it to the appropriate authorities.

Harry Hart: Eggsy, meet me at the tailor I told you about.

Dean: What the fuck's going on here?

Eggsy: So before you was a tailor, was you in the Army? Like an officer?

Hart: Not quite.

Eggsy: So where was you posted - Iraq or something?

Hart: Sorry, Eggsy. Classified.

Eggsy: But my dad saved your life, yeah?

Hart: The day your father died, I missed something. And if it weren't for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. So I owe him. Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I'd think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made.

Eggsy: [angry] You can't talk to me like that-!

Hart: Huge I.Q., great performance in primary school. And it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.

Eggsy: Do you think there's a lot of jobs going around here, yeah?

Hart: Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens gymnastics, two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material.

Eggsy: Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.

Hart: Of course. Always someone else's fault. Who's to blame you for quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up.

Eggsy: Because my mum went mental, banging on about losing me as well as my dad! Didn't want me being cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers with no thought about why we do what we do! We ain't got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we'd do just as well as you, if not better.

Jamal: Foxes are vermin, cuz. Should've driven it over.

Eggsy: Should've done a lot of things. I'll sort this. Get out of the car.

Eggsy: I SAID GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!

Eggsy: One of these days, I'm going to smash his face in.

Jamal: [Points to Dean's thugs] Are you mental, cuz? He'd just get that lot to do you and then pretend he knew nothing... about it.

Rottweiler: Oi! You think you can chat shit about us and we won't do nothing just because our governor's banging Eggsy's mum?

Eggsy: Pretty much, yeah.

Jamal: [As Dean's thugs get up from their table one by one and head to the table that Eggsy, Jamal and Ryan are sitting at] Bruv, let's just go, man. It's not worth it.

Rottweiler: You boys have outstayed your welcome. Leave.

Eggsy: I'm sorry about that, bruv.

Ryan: They weren't fucking worth it, boys.

Jamal: It's freezing. Why are we walking?

Jamal: You jacked his fucking car keys, bruv?

Eggsy: Yeah. Now we're going to nick his car. Come on.

Rottweiler: [Rottweiler gets up and goes outside and sees Eggsy, Ryan and Jamal joyriding in his car] Hold on, boys.

Rottweiler: [Eggsy hoots with joy while in the car] OI, THAT'S MY FUCKING CAR! OI! OI! EGGSY! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WANT TO FUCKING STOP IT! YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN! STOP IT!

Rottweiler: I'm going to fucking have you!

Ryan: Floor it, Eggsy!

Rottweiler: Yeah, yeah, Dean, look, it's me. Eggsy just stole my fucking car, yeah. Yeah, I've come out of the pub, he's done about 15 doughnuts in my fucking face and he's drove off. No I can't have it! He's disrespecting me and that means he's disrespecting you.

Michelle Unwin: Eggsy? Eggsy, come here. Got any Rizla, babe?

Eggsy: No.

Dean: Why'd you do your mum a favour, go down to the shop and get some.

Eggsy: Get em yourself.

Michelle Unwin: [Looks up at Eggsy sternly] Oi. What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that?

Eggsy: Three's a crowd, isn't it? Why don't Dean's poodle go?

Dean: [Dean takes some cash out of his pocket and hands it to Eggsy] I'll tell you what. Why don't you take this, go and get some Rizla's, get yourself some sweets. And while you're gone, we'll show your mum how three can be good company.

Michelle Unwin: Thanks, babe.

Merlin: Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy. He was right.

Merlin: Eggsy! Fucking get on with it!

Merlin: Eggsy, the signal's starting! Get Valentine's hand off that bloody desk now!

Roxy Morton: Charlie, fuck off!

Roxy Morton: [To Michelle Unwin] As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key.

Roxy Morton: Yes! Yes, Eggsy!

Michelle Unwin: Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go. Please just go, babe.

Michelle Unwin: Oi. What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that?

Michelle Unwin: I don't want your help, I want my husband back!

Harry Hart/Galahad: [To Eggsy, disappointed in him] You should be. You just stay right there. I'll sort this mess out when I get back.

Harry Hart/Galahad: Manners maketh man.

Harry Hart/Galahad: Uh, listen, boys. I've had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is, and I'm sure it's well-founded, I appreciate it enormously if you could just leave us in peace, until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness.

Harry Hart/Galahad: Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it?

Harry Hart/Galahad: Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world's most powerful individuals. In 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going uninherited. And a lot of powerful men with the desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realised that they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our other venture. An independent, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Above the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organisations. A suit is the modern gentleman's armour. And the Kingsman agents are the new knights.

Gary "Eggsy" Unwin: One of these days, I'm gonna smash his face in.

Gary "Eggsy" Unwin: Merlin, you're a fucking genius!

Gary "Eggsy" Unwin: Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us? Any chance you can turn them on?

Gary "Eggsy" Unwin: Rox. Rox, I need a favour. Call my mum. Tell her to lock herself away from Dean.