26 quotes
A Loaded Derringer and Its Limitations
Harry
Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?
Gay Perry
Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my faggot gun.
Harry
Because...
Gay Perry
Because it's only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, chief.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fatherly Love and Unique Expressions of Pain
Perry
How about you, Harry, did your father love you?
Harry
Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?
Perry
Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Contemplating Destiny and Dreams in Los Angeles
Harry
I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dream girls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a fucking conniption. And you? How bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicted Truths in Relationships
Harry
I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Challenging Week in a Tough City
Taglines
A bad week in a tough town.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters at a Funeral
Harmony's Dad
Do I know you?
Gay Perry
No. Just in town for the funeral.
Harmony's Dad
What do you want?
Gay Perry
Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.
Harmony's Dad
Son of a... Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today!
Gay Perry
No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
Harmony's Dad
Who are you? I loved my girl.
Harmony's Dad
You fucker! If I could get out of this bed...
Gay Perry
Yeah? Well, you can't.
Harmony's Dad
You bastard! Old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy.
Gay Perry
Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Banter on Relationships and Meals
Harmony
She's been fucked more times than she's had hot meals.
[about the blonde woman in the room]
Harry
Mmmm, I heard about that. It was neck and neck until she skipped lunch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Welcome to the party of chaos
Taglines
Sex. Murder. Mystery. Welcome to the party.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding About Sleep and Its Effects
Gay Perry
Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.
Harry
Bad.
Gay Perry
Excuse me?
Harry
Sleep bad. Otherwise, it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...
Gay Perry
What, fuckhead? Badly's an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Get out. Vanish.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Over Drinks
Harry
Umm, clearly I'm interrupting. I feel badly. Let me... What are you drinking?
Harmony
Bad.
Harry
Bad? Sorry... feel...?
Harmony
You feel bad.
Harry
Bad?
Harmony
Badly is an adverb. So, to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defining Idiocy Through Humor and Sarcasm
Gay Perry
Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Harry
A picture of me?
Gay Perry
No! The definition of the word "idiot"! Which you fucking are!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange on Christmas Apologies
Gay Perry
Merry Christmas, sorry I fucked you over.
Harry
No problem. Don't quit your gay job.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Confrontation Between Two Characters
Harry
You know what? You'd better be her doctor.
Harry
Walk away, don't think, just do it.
Agent Type
What are you, her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will fuck you up.
Harry
No. You'll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the fuck away - or let's you and me go outside right now. It's past my bedtime. Make a choice.
[coolly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Commitment to a definitive conclusion
Harry
Don't worry, I saw ]. I'm not going to end this 17 times.
[[Lord of the Rings]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring Childhood Influences on Adult Relationships
Harry
What is it out here with these women?
Harmony
Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.
Harry
Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular... Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I bet you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.
Harmony
Denmark.
Harry
That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here! I swear to God, it's like somebody took America by the East Coast, and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
Harmony
OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!
Gay Perry
See that? Obedient little bitches too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on Intelligence and Self-Awareness
Harry
Do you think I'm stupid?
Gay Perry
I don't think you'd know how to feed yourself, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Narration and Perception in Life
Harry
Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Physical Soreness in a 1950s Context
Harry
Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Confession Between Friends
Harry
Perry?
Gay Perry
Yeah?
Harry
I peed on it.
Gay Perry
What? You peed on what?
Harry
I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, ID from that?
Gay Perry
I'm sorry, you peed on...?
Harry
On the corpse. My question is...
Gay Perry
No, my question, I get to go first: Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?
Harry
I didn't intend to! It's not like I did it for kicks!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Wetness at a Grunge Club
Harry
I was wetter than ] at a grunge club.
[voiceover; [w:Drew Barrymore|Drew Barrymore]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Humor in Relationships
Harry
Still gay?
Gay Perry
Me? No, I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just love the name so much I can't get rid of it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Discoveries in a Dark Situation
Gay Perry
Is that the body?
Harry
No, that's the other corpse, from the last guy who stayed here.
Gay Perry
Fuck off.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Message About Friendship and Boundaries
Harry
That's it. That's the true story of what happened last Christmas. That was some pretty harsh shit. The old guy back there, right? But, whatever, he's creepy, fuck him, don't worry bout him. Uh, anyhow, so, um, thanks for coming. Thanks for taking the trip to L.A. with me. Uh...I mean, if I have to-to sum it up, and I do, cause it's like, you know, the end, I would say this movie is...is about friendship. Friendship is...is...is sacred.
[Lights a cigarette; Mimics the slapping]
Gay Perry
What are you doing?
Harry
I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave the people a message.
Gay Perry
Oh. Well, I got a message for ya: Get your feet off my fucking desk.
Harry
Sorry. I work for Perry now–
Gay Perry
And stop narrating. That's it, please stay for the end credits. If you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew. Um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said "fuck" so much. Say "Good night".
[Covers Harry's mouth; to the audience; Uncovers Harry's mouth]
Harry
Thanks, again.
Gay Perry
Now go. Vanish.
[Turns off the camera]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicted Emotions of Desire and Pity
Harry
It was the first time I felt how pitying someone and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head. Overwhelming sadness, meanwhile you got a Rodney. Is that sick? I think… yeah… I think that's sick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Narrative Confusion and Apologies
Harry
And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ambiguity of Imagery in Tense Moments
Gay Perry
I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?
Gunman
Fuck you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.
Gay Perry
Ambiguous. No, no, I don't think so.
Harry
No, I think what he means is that when you say "Picture it inside your head", okay, is that that a bullet will be inside your head. Or picture it in your head.
Gay Perry
Harry, will you shut up...
Harry
Well, he's got a point.
Gunman
Look, I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing.
Harry
Oh okay, you know what? I think you are bluffing right now.
Gay Perry
Harry, what are you doing?
Harry
Well what I am doing for the guy who likes to bluff, is I am playing a little game called "Am I bluffing?" Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony?
[sticks one bullet in the cylinder and spins it]
Gay Perry
Harry...
Harry
You want to play hard ball, I can do that. Where is the girl!
[spins the cylinder again; closes the cylinder]
Gay Perry
What...did you just do!?!?!
Harry
There was only one bullet in that, right?
Gay Perry
You put a live round into that gun?
Harry
Well, I didn't know, I thought there was like an...eight percent chance.
Gay Perry
Eight?
Harry
Eight...
Gay Perry
Eight!? Who taught you math!?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.