Let's Go to Prison Quotes

John If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated... I'd have $0.15.

Eva Mr. Hingly?

Duane Oh, yeah?

Eva You may proceed with your defense.

Duane Watch this.

Duane Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen ], and yet you are aware that ] has never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a TV not unlike that one.

Duane I rest my case!

John Bwahahah!

John Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over 2,000,000 Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.

John Hey! He is my property, you dick monster! You got that?

John This little philly is all mine! You can look, but not touch! This little asshole only got one name on it! Mine! Romeo! Romeo Lyshitski! No rear entry!

John That goes for you!

John That big bastard is the head of the Black G-Lords.

Nelson I don't mean to sound ungrateful, John... but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?

John Nope, probably not. But it happened.

Nelson So now what do we do?

John Hmm?

John What do you mean?

Nelson What do I mean? I mean, what are we... what are we supposed to *do*?

John We're doing it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?

Nelson Yeah.

John This is what they were referring to.

Barry Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet!

Nelson It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.

Barry Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.

John We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.

John Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.

John Same Lyshitski, different day.

Barry Of all the bathroom stalls, in all the correction facilities in all the world, he walks into mine.

Nelson Haven't you heard the news, Barry?

Barry The news? Oh, yeah. Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches, home team wins.