Critique of the American Justice System
John:
Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over 2,000,000 Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.
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Toilet-Made Merlot Offer in Prison
Barry:
Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet!
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Same Situation, Different Day
John:
Same Lyshitski, different day.
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Reflections on Incarceration and Regret
John:
If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated... I'd have $0.15.
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Claiming Ownership in a Hostile Environment
John:
Hey! He is my property, you dick monster! You got that?
John:
This little philly is all mine! You can look, but not touch! This little asshole only got one name on it! Mine! Romeo! Romeo Lyshitski! No rear entry!
John:
That goes for you!
John:
That big bastard is the head of the Black G-Lords.
Nelson:
I don't mean to sound ungrateful, John... but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?
John:
Nope, probably not. But it happened.
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Defense Presentation in Courtroom Scene
Eva:
Mr. Hingly?
Duane:
Oh, yeah?
Eva:
You may proceed with your defense.
Duane: [''whispering to Nelson'']
Watch this.
Duane: [[Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park; [Jeff Goldblum]
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen ], and yet you are aware that ] has never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a TV not unlike that one.
Duane:
I rest my case!
John:
Bwahahah!
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Unexpected Encounters in Unlikely Places
Barry: [''flirting'']
Of all the bathroom stalls, in all the correction facilities in all the world, he walks into mine.
Nelson: [''extremely uncomfortable'']
Haven't you heard the news, Barry?
Barry:
The news? Oh, yeah. Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches, home team wins.
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Contemplating Next Steps in Uncertainty
Nelson: [''long silence'']
So now what do we do?
John:
Hmm?
John:
What do you mean?
Nelson:
What do I mean? I mean, what are we... what are we supposed to *do*?
John:
We're doing it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?
Nelson: [''pause'']
Yeah.
John:
This is what they were referring to.
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The Healing Power of Crying
Nelson:
It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.
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Proposing a Unique Cellmate Arrangement
John:
We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.
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Character Assessment in a Challenging Context
John:
Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.
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Barry's Confident Introduction to Wooing
Barry:
Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.
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