14 quotes
Unexpected Life Changes for Fletcher and Audrey
Fletcher
Audrey! Let me explain, something has happened to me!
[On the phone]
Audrey
Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher: Max and I are moving to Boston.
Fletcher
What?
Audrey
Jerry has asked me to marry him, so Max and I are going with him this weekend to look at some houses.
Fletcher
I thought it was "semi-serious.
Audrey
Yeah, well it just took a violent shove into "serious.
Fletcher
You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max!
Audrey
Well, then you'll pretty much have the same relationship with him that you have now, won't you?
Fletcher
Where are you?
Audrey
I’m going home.
Fletcher
When you get there, just stay there. I’m coming over. We have to talk!
Audrey
Fletcher…
Fletcher
I’ll be right there!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Trust and Deception in Conversations
Fletcher
You don't believe me, do you?
Greta
Of course not.
Fletcher
How ironic! Okay. Ask me something you think I would normally lie about.
Greta
All right. Remember a couple of months ago when I wanted a raise?
Fletcher
Forget it. I don't wanna do this.
[nervously]
Greta
And the company wouldn't give me one...
Fletcher
Greta please!...
[freaking out]
Greta
And I asked if you would give it to me out of your own pocket! And you said "the company would not allow it, because it would create jealousy among the other secretaries!" Now, was that true, or did you just not wanna pony up the dough?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fletcher's Colorful Description of Mr. Allen
Miranda
Pardon me for interrupting your meeting. Mr. Allen, you remember Fletcher Reede.
Mr. Allen
Oh, yes! Yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher. By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon. I've been hearing some good things about you.
Miranda
Well, Fletcher has just been telling me what how much he thinks of you. Well, why don't you tell Mr. Allen? Well, what do you think of him?
[to Fletcher]
Fletcher
He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard. A belligerent, old fart. A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. Figuratively speaking!
[defeated; sighs]
Mr. Allen
That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard! You're a real card, Reede! I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
Fletcher
Simmons is old! He should've been outta the game years ago, but he can't stay home, cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties! She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom! You're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!
[points at Simmons; to another member of the board]
Mr. Allen
Priceless!
[roars with laughter]
Fletcher
You have bad breath caused by gingivitis! You couldn't get a porn star off! Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway! I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive! Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! Saaa-LUT!
[to another board member; to another member; to yet another; points at five other members of the board one at a time; pointing at Miranda; Miranda is shocked]
Mr. Allen
I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs! A little irreverence!
[shakes hands with Fletcher]
Fletcher
GOOD! I'll see ya later, dickhead!
Mr. Allen
Dickhead! Priceless!
Mr. Allen
Keep your eye on that boy. "Dickhead"!
[takes his seat]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Dishonesty and Lawbreaking
Fletcher Reede
STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Objection in Courtroom Exchange
Fletcher
Mr. Falk, do you know my client, Samantha Cole?
Kenneth
Yes.
Fletcher
Isn't it true that your relationship with my client is entirely platonic? I object, your Honor!
[to the judge]
Judge
To yourself?
Fletcher
Yeah. But I would like to rephrase the question. Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I object, your Honor, and I move to strike!
[to the witness; to the judge; slams hand on desk, and makes faces]
Judge
Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick.
Fletcher
Thank you, sir. Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic? NOT. Is NOT your relationship with my client-- Boink! Bad baby! Bad baby! Did you never not make LEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH--?! Did you...
[to the witness; wheezes]
Judge
Mr. Reede!
Fletcher
You had sex with her every time you met, didn't ya?! DIDN'T YOU?! LIAR!
Dana
He's badgering the witness!
Judge
It's his witness.
Fletcher
You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
Kenneth
All right! All right! It's true, okay?! I humped her brains out! There! Now ya happy?!
Fletcher
No further questions...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings Over a Car Scratch
Fletcher
You scratched my car!
Impound Guy
Where?
Fletcher
Right there!
[showing him]
Impound Guy
Oh. That was already there.
Fletcher
You... you liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Guy
What?
Fletcher
Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Impound Guy
You've been here before, haven't ya?
[throws Fletcher his keys]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection and Consequences of Actions
Fletcher Reede
What's wrong with me? I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow, I-
[suddenly monotone; claps both hand over his mouth while involuntarily ranting]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Between Cop and Driver
Cop
You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher
Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop
Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher
Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
Cop
Is that all?
Fletcher
No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle.
[opens his car's glove compartment; a huge pile of tickets spills out]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request to Approach the Bench
Fletcher
Your Honor! May I please approach the bench?
Judge
We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.
Fletcher
Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.
Judge
Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.
Fletcher
I know, but this is just... wrong, isn't it?! I manipulated the system! Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right, it's a technicality!
Judge
Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is not something I'm prepared to tolerate!
Fletcher
Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids when they're adopted BY THE MANSON FAMILY!
Judge
One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!
[angered]
Fletcher
I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! WHY SHOULD YOU BE ANY DIFFERENT?!
Judge
Bailiff, take him away!
Fletcher
This man is a good father! and children are not leverage! Oh, no, don't do this! I have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! IT'S MY LAST CHANCE! I'M JOSE CANSECO! I'M JOSE CANSECO!
[points to Mr Cole; glares at Miranda and Mr Allen; as the bailiff manhandles him out of court]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Challenging Evidence in a Courtroom Debate
Fletcher
Oh, come on! Your Honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha
You are such a better lover than my husband!
[on tape]
Fletcher
Your Honor, I object!
Judge
And why is that, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher
Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge
Overruled.
Fletcher
Good call!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Honesty and Trustworthiness
Taglines
Would I lie to you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Child's Perspective on Parental Honesty
Max
My mom's a teacher.
Teacher
And your dad?
Max
My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher
A liar? Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max
Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher
Oh! Oh! I see! You mean he's a lawyer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection of a Flawed Character
Fletcher Reede
I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Moment of Truth Revelation
Fletcher Reede
It was me!
[after farting in the elevator]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.