Liar Liar (1997) - Quotes

Taglines: Would I lie to you?

Fletcher: Your Honor! May I please approach the bench?

Judge: We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

Fletcher: Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.

Judge: Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.

Fletcher: I know, but this is just... wrong, isn't it?! I manipulated the system! Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right, it's a technicality!

Judge: Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is not something I'm prepared to tolerate!

Fletcher: Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids when they're adopted BY THE MANSON FAMILY!

Judge: [angered] One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!

Fletcher: I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! WHY SHOULD YOU BE ANY DIFFERENT?!

Judge: Bailiff, take him away!

Fletcher: [points to Mr Cole; glares at Miranda and Mr Allen; as the bailiff manhandles him out of court] This man is a good father! and children are not leverage! Oh, no, don't do this! I have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! IT'S MY LAST CHANCE! I'M JOSE CANSECO! I'M JOSE CANSECO!

Fletcher: Mr. Falk, do you know my client, Samantha Cole?

Kenneth: Yes.

Fletcher: [to the judge] Isn't it true that your relationship with my client is entirely platonic? I object, your Honor!

Judge: To yourself?

Fletcher: [to the witness; to the judge; slams hand on desk, and makes faces] Yeah. But I would like to rephrase the question. Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I object, your Honor, and I move to strike!

Judge: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick.

Fletcher: [to the witness; wheezes] Thank you, sir. Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic? NOT. Is NOT your relationship with my client-- Boink! Bad baby! Bad baby! Did you never not make LEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH--?! Did you...

Judge: Mr. Reede!

Fletcher: You had sex with her every time you met, didn't ya?! DIDN'T YOU?! LIAR!

Dana: He's badgering the witness!

Judge: It's his witness.

Fletcher: You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

Kenneth: All right! All right! It's true, okay?! I humped her brains out! There! Now ya happy?!

Fletcher: No further questions...

Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your Honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?

Samantha: [on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!

Fletcher: Your Honor, I object!

Judge: And why is that, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge: Overruled.

Fletcher: Good call!

Miranda: Pardon me for interrupting your meeting. Mr. Allen, you remember Fletcher Reede.

Mr. Allen: Oh, yes! Yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher. By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon. I've been hearing some good things about you.

Miranda: [to Fletcher] Well, Fletcher has just been telling me what how much he thinks of you. Well, why don't you tell Mr. Allen? Well, what do you think of him?

Fletcher: [defeated; sighs] He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard. A belligerent, old fart. A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. Figuratively speaking!

Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard! You're a real card, Reede! I love a good roast! Do Simmons!

Fletcher: [points at Simmons; to another member of the board] Simmons is old! He should've been outta the game years ago, but he can't stay home, cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties! She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom! You're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Mr. Allen: [roars with laughter] Priceless!

Fletcher: [to another board member; to another member; to yet another; points at five other members of the board one at a time; pointing at Miranda; Miranda is shocked] You have bad breath caused by gingivitis! You couldn't get a porn star off! Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway! I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive! Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! Saaa-LUT!

Mr. Allen: [shakes hands with Fletcher] I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs! A little irreverence!

Fletcher: GOOD! I'll see ya later, dickhead!

Mr. Allen: Dickhead! Priceless!

Mr. Allen: [takes his seat] Keep your eye on that boy. "Dickhead"!

Fletcher: You don't believe me, do you?

Greta: Of course not.

Fletcher: How ironic! Okay. Ask me something you think I would normally lie about.

Greta: All right. Remember a couple of months ago when I wanted a raise?

Fletcher: [nervously] Forget it. I don't wanna do this.

Greta: And the company wouldn't give me one...

Fletcher: [freaking out] Greta please!...

Greta: And I asked if you would give it to me out of your own pocket! And you said "the company would not allow it, because it would create jealousy among the other secretaries!" Now, was that true, or did you just not wanna pony up the dough?

Fletcher: You scratched my car!

Impound Guy: Where?

Fletcher: [showing him] Right there!

Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.

Fletcher: You... you liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?

Impound Guy: What?

Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

Impound Guy: [throws Fletcher his keys] You've been here before, haven't ya?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!

Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?

Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

Cop: Is that all?

Fletcher: [opens his car's glove compartment; a huge pile of tickets spills out] No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle.

Fletcher: [On the phone] Audrey! Let me explain, something has happened to me!

Audrey: Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher: Max and I are moving to Boston.

Fletcher: What?

Audrey: Jerry has asked me to marry him, so Max and I are going with him this weekend to look at some houses.

Fletcher: I thought it was "semi-serious.

Audrey: Yeah, well it just took a violent shove into "serious.

Fletcher: You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max!

Audrey: Well, then you'll pretty much have the same relationship with him that you have now, won't you?

Fletcher: Where are you?

Audrey: I’m going home.

Fletcher: When you get there, just stay there. I’m coming over. We have to talk!

Audrey: Fletcher…

Fletcher: I’ll be right there!

Max: My mom's a teacher.

Teacher: And your dad?

Max: My dad? He's... a liar.

Teacher: A liar? Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Teacher: Oh! Oh! I see! You mean he's a lawyer.

Fletcher Reede: STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!!

Fletcher Reede: I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!

Fletcher Reede: [after farting in the elevator] It was me!

Fletcher Reede: [suddenly monotone; claps both hand over his mouth while involuntarily ranting] What's wrong with me? I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow, I-