Love Actually (2003) - Quotes

Taglines: It's All About Love... Actually.

Taglines: All You Need Is Love

Taglines: Very romantic. Very comedy.

Taglines: The ultimate romantic comedy.

Taglines: Coming soon actually.

Prime Minister: Right. So not quite as secret as we'd hoped.

Natalie: What do we do now?

Prime Minister: [all of which they do, awkwardly] Smile. Little bow. And a wave.

Colin: [at the Departures gate, saying goodbye to Tony] Farewell, failure. America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell. (singing tenor) And he's got a big knoooob!

Rufus, the Clerk: Looking for anything in particular, sir?

Harry: Ah, yeah. That necklace there, how much is it?

Rufus: It's £270, sir.

Harry: Oh, alright, I'll have it, thanks.

Clerk: Lovely. Would you like it gift-wrapped?

Harry: Oh. Yeah, why not.

Clerk: Lovely. Just pop that in there. (puts in in a box, measures out ribbon)

Harry: Can we be quite quick?

Clerk: Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes. (ties ribbon) There.

Harry: That's great!

Clerk: Not...quite. (gets a small bag)

Harry: I don't need a bag, I'll just put it in my pocket.

Clerk: Oh this isn't a bag, sir.

Harry: No?

Clerk: This is so much more than a bag. (puts box in bag and sets it upright)

Harry: Can we be quite quick?

Clerk: Prontissimo! (fills the bag with flowers petals and lavender. Brings out something else)

Harry: What's that?!

Clerk: It's a cinnamon stick, sir.

Harry: Can we get a move on?

Clerk: You won't regret it.

Harry: Wanna bet?

Clerk: There. Almost finished.

Harry: Almost finished"?! What else are you gonna do, you gonna dip it in yoghurt? Cover it in chocolate buttons?

Clerk: No, sir. Just pop it in the Christmas box.

Harry: But I don't want a Christmas box!

Clerk: You said you wanted it gift-wrapped sir.

Harry: I did, but-

Clerk: This is the final flourish, sir.

Harry: Can I just pay?!

Clerk: All we need now...

Harry: Oh God!

Clerk: Is a sprig of holly.

Harry: No! No! No bloody holly!

Daisy: We've been given our parts in the nativity play! And I'm the lobster!

Karen: The Lobster?

Daisy: Yeah!

Karen: [confused] In the nativity play?

Daisy: Yeah! First Lobster!

Karen: [still confused] There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?

Daisy: Duh!

Karen: Tell me, what would you do in my position?

Harry: What position is that?

Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...

Harry: Oh, Karen...

Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?

Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.

Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.

Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love.

Joe: Right.

Billy Mack: And I realized that as dire chance and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid 50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.

Joe: Well, this is a surprise.

Billy Mack: Yeah...

Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're as gay as a maypole.

Billy Mack: I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.

Joe: Well, Bill...

Billy Mack: It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well. Thanks for that, Bill.

Billy Mack: For what?

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here on "Radio Watford" I can tell you.

Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh... best shag you've ever had?

Billy Mack: [[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears] ].

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!

Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.

Natalie: [talking about her ex-boyfriend] He says no one's going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.

Prime Minister: Right. Goodness. Well, well. You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.

Natalie: Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.

Prime Minister: [[w:Special Air Service|SAS] Do. The ] are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.

Press Conference Reporter: Mr. President, has it been a good visit?

The President of the U.S.: Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for and our special relationship is still very special.

Press Conference Reporter: Prime Minister?

Prime Minister: [[Shakespeare; [Winston Churchill|Churchill; [The Beatles|Beatles; [Sean Connery; [Harry Potter; [David Beckham] I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of ], ], the ], ], ]. ]'s right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.

Annie: And this is Natalie. She's new as well.

Natalie: Hello David. I mean, Sir. Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. And now I've gone and said shit'. Twice. Oh, I'm so sorry Sir.

Prime Minister: That's alright. You could have said fuck and then we'd all be in trouble.

Natalie: Thank you, Sir. I did have a terrible premonition I was going to fuck up on my first day. Oh piss it!

Annie: Would you like to meet your household staff?

Prime Minister: Yes, I would like that very much indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.

Harry: Right, the Christmas party, not my favourite night of the year and your unhappy job to organise.

Mia: Tell me.

Harry: It's basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.

Colin: Exciting news!

Tony: What?

Colin: I bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks!

Tony: No!

Colin: Yes! To a fantastic little place called Wisconsin!

Tony: No!

Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin!

Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're going out with rich, attractive guys.

Colin: Nah, Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.

Tony: That is total bollocks. You’ve actually gone mad.

Colin: No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.

Tony: No, Col. No.

Colin: Yes!

Tony: Nyet!

Colin: Da!

Tony: Nein!

Colin: Ja, darling!

Colin: I've just worked out why I can't find true love.

Tony: Why is that?

Colin: English girls. They're stuck up, you see. And I am primarily attractive to girls, you know, who are cooler, game for a laugh. Like American girls. So I should just go to America! I'd get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?

Tony: I think it's...crap, Colin.

Colin: That's where you're wrong. American girls would dig me with my cute British accent.

Tony: You don't have a cute British accent.

Colin: Yes, I do! I'm going to America.

Tony: Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arsehole. Accept it.

Colin: Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

Harry: Sarah, turn off your phone and tell me exactly how long you've been working for us.

Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and what, about two hours.

Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and I'd say about an hour and thirty minutes.

Harry: I thought as much.

Sarah: Do you think everybody knows?

Harry: Yes.

Sarah: Does Karl know?

Harry: Yes.

Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.

Sam: [referring to the [[Titanic; holds up one finger] ] film] There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me. She's "the one".

Daniel: Fair enough.

Daniel: Option One: ask her out.

Sam: Impossible.

Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.

Sam: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.

Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.

Sam: It's a route I've considered.

Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...

Sam: Hygiene.

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school – are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?

Sam: You really want to know?

Daniel: I really want to know.

Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?

Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.

Sam: OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.

Daniel: Sorry?

Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?

Sam: No.

Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.

Sam: Why?

Daniel: Well, you know – I thought it might be something worse.

Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?

Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

Judy: [to Jack] All I want for Christmas is you.

Billy Mack: [after fluffing up recording his song "Christmas is All Around" for the second time] Oh, fuck, wank, bugger, shitting, arse, head and hole!

Billy Mack: Thank you, Ant or Dec.

Billy Mack: Oh. Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs..... Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!

David, the Prime Minister: [[Shakespeare; [Winston Churchill|Churchill; [The Beatles; [Sean Connery; [w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter; [David Beckham] We may be a small country, but we are a great one. A country of ], ], ], ], ], ]'s right foot, David Beckham's left foot come to that...

David, the Prime Minister: [first lines, playing over a montage of reunions at Heathrow Airport; the following words appear on screen; the screen turns black, showing the words "love actually"] Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.