32 quotes
Taking Charge of One's Life
Dr. Jeffrey Van Helsing-Rosenberg
This is a perfect example of a man taking charge of his own life! And I feel... pretty good.
[''After having set fire to Dracula's Coffin'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Land Ownership and Historical Claims
Commissare Woman
You, and your... cockroach-eating friend over there, have 48 hours to get out! Good evening, Comrade Count!
Count Dracula
Wait one minute. This is my home. My people cleared the land. We tortured innocent peasants for it. We even murdered for it. By Romanian law, that makes it ours.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Confrontation Over Family History
Alexei Rugalov
You dirty bat! You bit my mother!
Count Dracula
What is your name?
Rugalov
Alexei. Rugalov.
Count Dracula
No, Alexei. I bit your mother, , and your grandmother.
[''recalls'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Government Agents Identified by Their Shoes
Renfield
I think they're from the government.
Count Dracula
How do you know?
Renfield
They're wearing shoes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Choosing Lunch on a Flight
Air Stewardess
Pardon me, would you like Chicken Kiev, Chateaubriand, or Veal Cutlet Florentine for lunch?
Renfield
Everything you mentioned is dead. Don't you have anything that's alive... and kicking?
Lady on plane with Cat
I'll have the Chicken Kiev, miss. Oh, why don't you bring a nice juicy mouse for little Salome here?
[''scoffs at Renfield'']
Renfield
Could I have one, too?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Misunderstood Nature of Wolves
Count Vladimir Dracula
You see? Even a child knows! The wolf is a very misunderstood creature. He never kills for sport, only what is needed. And he always protects the young... and the old.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expertise Asserted by Dr. Van Helsing-Rosenberg
Dr. Jeffrey Van Helsing-Rosenberg
I'm a doctor! I know what I'm doing.
[''repeated line'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Anticipation of a Mysterious Arrival
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
Where is he?
[''speaking of Count Dracula'']
Cindy Sondheim
He'll be here.
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
Another fly by night character.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reactions in a Surprising Moment
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
No!
Cindy Soundheim
What?
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
No! It can't be!
Cindy Soundheim
What, Jeffrey?
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
Dracula!
Cindy Soundheim
How did you know his name?
[''Amazed'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension Builds Over Miss Sondheim's Location
Renfield
You have 30 seconds to tell me where Miss Sondheim is, or...
Cindy's Modeling Agent
Or what? You'll eat your lunch in my office?
Renfield
No-o-o, my lunch will eat you.
[''Laughs as he reveals that his 'lunch' is a cobra'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dracula's Disgust with a Drink
Count Vladimir Dracula
What was that maniac drinking? Tastes like the Volga river at low tide!
[''after biting a wino'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dracula's Confusion About Modern Living Arrangements
Commissare Woman
Either you spend the rest of your life in an efficiency apartment with seven dissidents and one toilet, or you gather your aristocratic shit together and split. .
[''Leaves'']
Count Dracula
Renfield.
Renfield
Yes, master?
Count Dracula
What is an efficiency apartment?
Renfield
I don't know, master. What's a toilet?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dracula's Evening Plans for Refreshment
Count Vladimir Dracula
I'm going out for a bite to drink.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Romantic Revelations in Unexpected Places
Cindy Sondheim
Very cute! I told you I have got a man in here...
[''Sarcastically'']
Count Dracula
Now you do.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson in Responsibility and Relationships
Dr. Jeffrey Van Helsing-Rosenberg
Look, a check. She paid me everything she owes me. She left me, but she learned something. She's a responsible person ... or whatever.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dracula's Frustration with Noisy Children
Count Vladimir Dracula
Children of the night, shut up!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange on Relationships
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
Well, Count, what do you say to that?
[''triumphantly'']
Count Dracula
I would say, leave Cindy alone and find yourself a nice Jewish girl, Doctor!
Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg
Huh? Ah shit! It's the other one, isn't it?
[''looks at star'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Legacy of Van Helsings
Dr. Jeffrey Van Helsing-Rosenberg
In the name of all the Van Helsings who have ever lived... ]
[''is about to set Dracula's coffin on fire''; [Wikipedia:Disco Inferno|Burn, Baby! Burn!; ''throws the lit match on the coffin, and the coffin begins to ignite'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Century of Discontent in Disguise
Renfield
I thought you were having fun.
Count Dracula
Fun? How would you like to go around looking like a head waiter for 700 years?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dracula's Stance on Wine and Smoking
Count Vladimir Dracula
I never drink wine, and I do not smoke shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Cost of Healing According to Freud
Dr. Jeffrey Van Helsing-Rosenberg
You know what Freud said: if you don't pay for it, you don't get better.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lighthearted Remark on Absence
Cindy Sondheim
: So that's where you've been for the last two days, and I thought you were lost, you little devil .
[''talking to her kitten, sitting in the fridge''; ''kisses the kitten'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Transylvania's Excitement Relies on Dracula
Count Vladimir Dracula
Without me, Transylvania will be as exciting as Bucharest... on a Monday night.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Outdated Copyright and Self-Reflection
Count Vladimir Dracula
What is this? "Copyright 1923"? Renfield, you bumbling moron, this book is as out of date as... I am.
[''reading an American phrase book'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dracula's Lesson on Body Temperature
Count Dracula
Renfield! Renfield!
Renfield
Yes, Master!
[...]
Count Dracula
How many times do I have to tell you: body temperature!
[''thrusts his glass at him'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring Heritage and Consequences of Choices
Black mourner
Alvin - I told you to go find your roots, but who told you to drink the water?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Household Chores and Relationships
Cindy Sondheim
Can I get you anything?
Count Dracula
A broom, perhaps?
[''looking around at the mess in Cindy's apartment'']
Cindy Sondheim
Eh? Oh, I hate housework. It killed my mother.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Eulogy with Unconventional Revelations
Reverend Mike
I knew Brother Alvin... and he was a swinger!
Mourners
Yes! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Alleluia! etc.
Reverend Mike
He loved his booze, hahahaha. He loved his women.
Mourners
Yeah! And my wife, too! Yes, he did! Sure did! etc.
Reverend Mike
But must of all, he loved his Cadillac Saville, and it's a beaute. I know, because he left it to me, Hallelujah!
Mourners
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! etc.
Reverend Mike
I showed him how God wanted him to have a swell time while he was alive. Because, brothers and sisters, when you is gone, you is gone. And ain't no way, no how, nobody's going to bring you back here once you is dead!
Count Dracula
Good Evening.
Count Dracula
I am Count Dracula. I would like a large suite with a bath. I have a reservation.
[''to Reverend Mike, thinking him a Hotel receptionist'']
Count Dracula
This is not the lobby of the Plaza Hotel?
[''Confused'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dinner Mishap in Dracula's Lair
Renfield
Master, please be careful!
Count Dracula
What is it?
Renfield
You nearly stepped on my dinner!
Count Dracula
Forgive me. Bon appetit!
[''sees the large black beetle'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Benefits of Having a Patient Partner
Dr. Jeffrey Van Helsing-Rosenberg
Every now and then it sure helps to have a patient doing five to ten for breaking and entering.
[''picking hotel room lock'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Simplicity of Earlier Ages According to Dracula
Count Vladimir Dracula
Ah, Cindy Sondheim, you should have lived in an earlier age. Things were simpler, less complicated. Do you know how many women had nervous breakdowns in the fourteenth century? Two.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Significance of the Rooster's Crow in Dracula
Count Dracula
I heard a rooster crow.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.