28 quotes
Pets Not Allowed on the Premises
Major Payne
You know there ain't no pets allowed on this here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
[While confronting a blind kid with his dog]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Transformation from Soggy to Resilient
Major Payne
You're still a shit sandwich... you're just not a soggy one. I will no longer refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne's Take on Sympathy
Major Payne
Move it, turds! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, you look in the dictionary between spit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Business of Killing
Major Payne
Know this: Killing is my business, ladies; and business is GOOD!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discipline and Control in Leadership
Major Payne
I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry-ass asses belong to ME! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butt without my say-so!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne's Determination to Win
Major Payne
Know this, pukes: We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on win! Whiskey! India! November! GET USED TO HEARING THAT WORD!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Search for Mature Recruits
Taglines
He's looking for a few good men...or at least a few guys old enough to shave.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne's Warning About Respect
Major Payne
ONE...don't you feel dumb. TWO...look at you! THREE...don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you in the ground!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
House of Payne Invitation
Taglines
Welcome to the House of Payne.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Military Life and Personal Relationships
Major Payne
Negative. I figure if the marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one.
[''To Emily about being married'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne's Paranoia and War Experiences
Major Payne
Know this about me, Private Ass-Eyes! War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up; and I get the urge to kill. Do not aggravate my condition!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embrace the Major Payne Way
Major Payne
From now on, my little group of scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Special Gift from the Heart
Major Payne
Here I got somethin for ya.
[puts a piece of metal in Emily's hand]
Emily
What is it?
Major Payne
A bullet. It's somethin special. It's from my heart.
Emily
Really? Well, where did you get it?
Major Payne
From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pressure and Distraction in Painful Moments
Marine Private
AHHHH my arm, my arm!
Major Payne
Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?
Major Payne
Now you might feel a little pressure.
Marine Private
AUGGGGH! My finger, my finger!
Major Payne
Works every time.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Cadet Disqualification
Col. Braggart
Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.
Lt. Col. at the Games
That's not enough. Look at them, these animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn't even show up.
Major Payne
Ain't no need for name calling.
Col. Braggart
Major Payne, what are you doing here? I was told you were away on an important assignment.
Major Payne
What could be more important than having my boys winning this here competition? I suggest we get this party started. Is that OK with you Col.?
Col. Braggart
Cadets I'm pleased to announce the top two rated squads that will compete for first and second place in the Parade Drill Competition. Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne Asserts Authority Over Cadets
Major Payne
My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer.
[Addressing the Madison Cadets]
Cadets
Boo. Booooooooo!
Major Payne
I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have 8 weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-discipline cadet unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!
[Lowering his pistol]
Tiger
Boo-hoo!
[pokes his head out]
Major Payne
What?
Tiger
I have to go to the bathroom!
Major Payne
You hold it, turd.
Tiger
I can't!
Major Payne
I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground!
[glares]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne's Compliment to His Unit
Major Payne
I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!
[''To the squad, while watching them all run wearing dresses'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Colon Cleansing with Major Payne's Humor
Major Payne
Nope, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Return to Military Duty After Setback
General Decker
Payne, what happened? You've only been out one week.
Major Payne
It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.
General Decker
Listen, I've made some calls and I have an assignment for you. It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Authority and Responsibility in Family Dynamics
Major Payne
You hit that boy again, Im'ma do more than salute you.
[Grabs the arm of Alex's stepdad mid-swing]
Alex's Stepdad
This is between me and my son.
Alex
Stepson!
Major Payne
Whoever he is, he's on my time now.
Major Payne
Now, Im'ma ask you nicely: please, return to your vehicle. You go on now.
Major Payne
Go on back to your bunk, son.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discomfort with Affection
Emily
He's trying to show you some affection.
Major Payne
I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Feeling Good in Uniform
Major Payne
Got no worries, got no stress.
Major Payne
Cause we feel good in our dress.
Cadets
Cause we feel good in our dress.
Major Payne
Major Payne's a major diss.
Cadets
Major Payne's a major diss.
Major Payne
He makes us squat when we piss.
Cadets
He makes us squat when we piss.
Major Payne
Got no worries, got no care.
Cadets
Got no worries, got no care.
Major Payne
I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair.
Cadets
I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair.
Major Payne
Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann.
Cadets
Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann.
Major Payne
Got to earn my right to be called a man.
Cadets
Got to earn my right to be called a man.
Major Payne
I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command!
Student
Their pantyhose is falling down.
Major Payne
Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!
Emily
Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses?
Major Payne
They're putting on a fashion show.
Emily
I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative re-enforcement.
[angry]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Remark on Size
Major Payne
I heard tell your mother's so fat, she uses planets for billiard balls.
[To a hulking biker dude, whom the squad hired to muss him up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Request for Field Knife
Major Payne
Hey Corporal. Go tell Mom to get my field knife.
[Payne's adopted son, Tiger steps out in front and faces him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Major Payne's Impact on the Situation
Major Payne
He in there? If he's still in there he ain't happy!
[Facing closet; Tiger nods; Payne unloads several rounds into the closet]
Tiger
Major Payne just terminated that Bad man with extreme prejudice! And if he's still in there, he ain't happy!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Military Advancement Decisions
General Decker
At ease, Payne. Relax. Do you know why you're here?
Major Payne
Sir, no, sir.
General Decker
The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lt. Col. list, your name's not on it. You get two chances to advance, then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now
Major Payne
General, are you telling me that in this man's military is there no room for trained weapon of destruction?
General Decker
Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.
Major Payne
There's got to be somebody who needs some killing.
General Decker
I'm sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with Restlessness and Desire for Action
Major Payne
It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man. And already I'm startin to get the itch. Problem is I got nothin to scratch. God, I'm hungry. Hungry for action, hungry for blood. Hell, I'm just plain ol hungry. Feel like I'm gettin weaker, while Charlie's gettin stronger in the jungle. Gotta maintain discipline; gotta keep up my strength! Cause the hard reality is, I gotta get a job.
[''After being discharged from the Marines'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Unity in Teamwork
Major Payne
A squad that lives together, wins together! "Unity", turds; that is the key word in "unit", without the "Y"!
[Introducing the squad to their new barracks]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.