16 quotes
Consequences of Misbehavior in a Humorous Context
Milton Rockwell
Ah Marty, gimme the paddle. Ok, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to bend over that chair and drop your pants.
Marty Mauser
For real?
Milton Rockwell
You've been a really a bad boy and now you're going to get a spanking.
Marty Mauser
Oh come on.
Milton Rockwell
You want to get to Japan, don't you?
Marty Mauser
Yes, but...
Milton Rockwell
Well, that's what it's going to take.
Marty Mauser
So to be clear, you're going to bring me to Japan and then compensate me.
Milton Rockwell
Correct. We leave from Laguardia at 8am.
Marty Mauser
Uh, do I need a ticket?
Milton Rockwell
It's my plane.
Marty Mauser
And how do I know you're going to honor this?
Milton Rockwell
You don't. I'm not trying to control you Marty, but I don't think you understand the stakes. You have no power here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Provocative Challenge Between Characters
Wally
Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?
Marty Mauser
How bout I put my penis where your mouth is?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Value of Table Tennis
Kay Stone
Let me ask you something. Do you make money at this little table tennis thing?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Continence Through Personal Experience
Marty Mauser
Do you know what continence is, Wally? No? Every time I take a piss, I pull back, I hold my urine in, and I count to ten Mississippi.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Determination Amidst Life's Challenges
Marty Mauser
Everything in my life's falling apart but I'm going to figure it out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating Originality with the Marty Supreme Ball
Dion Galanis
It's an original ball for an original guy. It's the Marty Supreme Ball, not the Marty Normal Ball.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Promise of Retribution by Marty Mauser
Marty Mauser
I'm going to do to Kletzki what ] couldn't.
[[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Intentions Among Friends
Marty Mauser
How much is he paying you?
Officer Sal
What's that?
Marty Mauser
You heard me.
Murray Norkin
That's enough, Marty!
Marty Mauser
No! How much is my uncle paying you to scare me?
Officer Sal
Excuse me?
Marty Mauser
Cause whatever it is, I'll double it for you to suck my dick.
Officer Sal
What did you just say to me?
Marty Mauser
Ugh, brush your teeth. What'd you, gargle diarrhea...
[''the cop hits him'']
Murray Norkin
Hey, hey, hey!
Marty Mauser
He hit me, Murray! He hit me!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unresolved Communication Between Friends
Rachel Mizler
Aren't you going to say something?
Marty Mauser
Uh... Congratulations?
Rachel Mizler
Congratulations? Are you... I've been trying to get in touch with you for 8 months!
Marty Mauser
I wouldn't know. I've...
Rachel Mizler
I left a million messages with your service!
Marty Mauser
Look, I can see what you're trying to do and it's not gonna work.
Rachel Mizler
Excuse me?
Marty Mauser
It's not mine, Rachel.
Rachel Mizler
It is absolutely yours.
Marty Mauser
I pull out! I pull out, does Ira pull out?
Rachel Mizler
What are you saying...
Marty Mauser
It's a simple question, just answer it yes or no.
[''Rachel cries'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Survival Instincts Shaped by Upbringing
Marty Mauser
It's every man for himself where I come from. That's just how I grew up.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Comparison of Performance Quality
Merle
When you see this woman act you'll feel like you got your cock sucked by a vacuum cleaner.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict in a Moment of Grief
Ira Mizler
What's this?
[Marty and Rachel were embraced]
Rachel Mizler
Marty's father just died. I was consoling him.
Ira Mizler
Bullshit.
Marty Mauser
Ira, this is my friend since I was 8 years old.
Ira Mizler
Am I talking to you?
Marty Mauser
Now you are.
Rachel Mizler
Marty, don't...
Ira Mizler
No. Keep going. I'll rip that unibrow right off his fucking forehead.
Marty Mauser
You wanna get physical with me? Like an ape?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Meaning and money in life dynamics
Marty Mauser
I give you meaning, and he gives you money.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marty Mauser's Bold Assertion
Marty Mauser
I'm Hitler's worst nightmare.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Purpose and Obligation
Marty Mauser
I have a purpose. If you think that it's some kind of blessing it's not. It means I have an obligation to see a very specific thing through.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Eternal Existence and the Pursuit of Happiness
Milton Rockwell
I was born in 1601. I'm a vampire. I've been around forever. I've met many Marty Mausers over the centuries. Some of them crossed me, some of them weren't straight. They weren't honest. And those are the ones that are still here. You go out and win that game, you're gonna be here forever too. And you'll never be happy. You will never be happy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.