Me, Myself & Irene (2000) - Quotes

Officer Stubie: [''To [[w:FBI|FBI agents; [w:gerbiling|rectum] ] and police arrived to find him tied to tree with live chicken's head in Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?

Officer Stubie: [''To Charlie/Hank's sons after [[w:anti-police|handcuffing him to door of patrol vehicle] I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!

Mr. Murphy the disabled guy: [''Upon leaving gas station store and seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank of his vehicle''] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!

Lieutenant Gerke: I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!

Shonte Jr.: [''On Charlie's new chin sporting a chin dimple''; [w:Charles Heston|a Spartacus looking motherfucker] He sure is ]!

Shonte Jr.: [[w:IAU definition of planet|how the hell can they call Pluto a planet; [w:elliptical orbit|has an elliptical orbit] Man, ]?! No motherfucking planet ]! This shit don't make no sense!

Jamaal: [''Referring to father Charlie/Hank to FBI agents''] He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!

Agent Boshane: [''Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow''] We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''To Irene''] Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls...

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''Being chased by FBI agents''] Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''After Dicky falls on Hank''] Warden. I want my own cell.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Ever been bitch slapped?

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''To Irene''] Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop''; ''Puts ticket on the windshield''] There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [[w:exhibitionism|Would you like to see my weasel] Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. ]?

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground''] Well fuck my ozone.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [''Driving while singing along to [[w:Dwarves (band)|The Dwarve’s; ''repeatedly''; ''glances over at Irene looking paranoid''; ''Turns off radio''] ] MotherFucker song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo... Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Arrivederci, deadwood.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Had enough? Up yours.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: [[w:beer|a beer] Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you ].

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans: I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.

Narrator: [[w:uzi|an Uzi; [w:University of Texas tower shooting|and climb a clock tower] It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out ] ].

Narrator: [''A beginning montage of Charlie/Hank is riding his patrolbike''] Meet Charlie. Helpful dad. Upstanding citizen. And an 18 year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land, The Rhode Island State Police. That's Charlie's home. Modest like the man. Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer. Which will come into play a little later in our story. But i'm getting way ahead of myself. You know maybe it's best if we just go back and beging at the beginning.