13 quotes
Love Followed by Interrogation
Taglines
First comes love. Then comes the interrogation.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams and Nightmares in Family Meetings
Taglines
He finally met the girl of his dreams. Too bad her dad's a nightmare.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Vigilant Warning
Jack Byrnes
All right. Now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 19 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings at Airport Security
Norm the Security Guard
I have a plane full of people telling me you threatened that stewardess.
Greg
I was not threatening her, I was just trying to get my bag in the overhead storage thing.
Norm the Security Guard
You were acting like a maniac and then you threaten her with a bomb.
Greg
No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm the Security Guard
You said Bomb.
Greg
I said it's not like I had a bomb on an airplane.
Norm the Security Guard
You said bomb on an airplane.
Greg
What's wrong with saying bomb on an airplane?
Norm the Security Guard
You can't say bomb on an airplane.
Airport Security
Hey, Norm, take 5. We've got a specialist.
Greg
Bye, Norm.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Relaxed Approach to Expectations
Taglines
No pressure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters and Conflicting Realities
Greg
Oh, shit. How'd you get here?
Jack
I'm everywhere, Focker.
Greg
I didn't do anything, Jack.
Jack
Yeah, I know.
Greg
Well, then tell these guys that I'm not a terrorist.
Jack
Listen, Focker. I'm not gonna tell anybody anything until you answer some questions. Unless you want to spend the next couple of years of your life in prison, you better goddamn well tell me the truth. No more lies. You understand? No more lies.
Greg
Did you do this?
Jack
Just answer the questions.
Greg
Did you have me taken off of that airplane?
Jack
Just answer the question. Put your hands over there. That's it.
Greg
You're sick, you know that?
Jack
Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Are you a male nurse?
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Are you a pothead?
Greg
No.
Jack
Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
[beat]
Greg
Yes.
Jack
And you did that because you were desperately seeking my approval?
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Do you wanna marry her?
Jack
Do you want to marry her?
Greg
I did... until I met you.
Jack
What does that mean?
Greg
I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family.
Greg
I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack
If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg
Would you lighten up a lot?
Jack
Yeah.
Greg
Yes or no?
Jack
Yes.
Greg
Would you promise to let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack
I promise not to interfere in your lives all the time.
Greg
Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack
Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg
Jack, yes or no?
Jack
Ever?
Greg
No!
Jack
Okay, yes.
[beat]
Greg
Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack
Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?
[glares at Greg; Takes Greg's hands again and continues]
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg
Yes.
Jack
Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg
Of course.
Jack
Gaylord Focker... Will you be my son-in-law?
[takes out a small jewelry box and shows it to Greg to find an engagement ring]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Trusting Others with Loved Ones' Safety
Jack
Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids... and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience — it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain... that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg
Sure, I think so.
Jack
No. The answer is, you cannot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Moment of Awkward Poetry
Dina
Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Jack
Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
Greg
What? No! What... what... what poem?
Dina
You see, when Jack had to retire... for health reasons...
Jack
That's a bunch of malarkey. Honey, I'm fine.
Dina
The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he... sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Pam
Please, we really wanna hear it.
Greg
Poem, poem. Please!
Jack
Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate... and put it next to the urn.
Greg
Nice.
Dina
It's very special.
Jack
My Mother," by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven. But you were also an angel of God, and He needed you, too. Selfishly, I tried to keep you here... while the cancer ate away your organs... like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face... nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet... in heaven.
Pam
Daddy, that's beautiful.
Dina
It always gets me.
Greg
Amazing. So... so.. so much love, yet also so much information.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Question About Adult Content
Jack
Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
[slowly]
Greg
No. I mean, well, I don't.
[long pause; sees readout beginning to skew, then tries to keep calm before answering; looks at graph and Jack sees needles skewing wildly]
Jack
Yes or no?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ex-CIA Father Meets Nurse Son-in-Law
Taglines
Jack's an ex-CIA man. Greg's a nurse.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Dynamics and Expectations in Relationships
Pam
I love you, Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes.
[storms out of room]
Jack
So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!
[to Dina]
Dina
Well, who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him. I think it's time for you to find out what Pam wants.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bag Check Dispute on the Flight
Flight Attendant
I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.
Greg
I got it.
Flight Attendant
No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.
Greg
No, I'm not — hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant
There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg
I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline — you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?
Flight Attendant
I can assure you that your bag... will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.
Greg
Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
Flight Attendant
No.
Greg
No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole... and listen to me when I say that I am finished... with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Flight Attendant
Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we—
Greg
Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.
Flight Attendant
Sir!
Greg
I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant
Sir, sir—
Greg
If you would take a second... and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now... and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Differences in Family Dynamics
Jack
Greg, would you like to say grace?
Pam
Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
Jack
You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? Unless you have some objection.
[to Greg]
Greg
No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.
Pam
Okay.
Greg
O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle... and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts... for the... smorgasbord... You have so aptly lain at our table this day... and each day... by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly. To see Thee more clearly. To follow Thee more nearly... day by day... by day. Amen. Amen.
Dina
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
[moved]
Jack
Thank you, Greg. That was interesting, too.
[a bit stumped, but still impressed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.