23 quotes
Misunderstood Legal Terms and Humor
Officer Landers
Littering, loitering, vandalism, vagrancy...
Officer Lister
And treason!
Officer Landers
No, not treason.
Officer Lister
You sure? Because in the book it says...
Officer Landers
I'm sure! All right, kids, out of the trash cans. Let's go.
Officer Lister
Come on, you heard the big guy. You see the light. Walk towards it. Come on, keep it moving. All right, drop your weapons. Pass them to me. Come on. I will shoot you.
Officer Landers
Well, lookie we've got here. You stay here. I'm checking this out.
Officer Lister
I am on it! Y'all think something is funny? You testing me, huh, tough girl? You disrespecting the badge? You don't want none of this. I'm telling you, test me, please! Y'all wanna test me? I am the police! I know that you're a thug, them brown eyes, I see it in your eyes.
Officer Landers
That's it! That is it!
Officer Lister
You got something to say, porky, huh? Devil deva?
Officer Landers
That's it, we're taking them in!
Officer Lister
That's what I am talking about! Where we taking them?
Officer Landers
To jail! Let's go!
Officer Lister
You hear that? You guys are going to jail!
DJ
But, Officer, you've gotta believe us!
Officer Lister
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 2%. You got the right to shut up!
Jenny
Okay, the house is a monster.
Officer Lister
And to think that I believed you!
Jenny
Ow!
Chowder
Hey, listen, I am with you guys. My cousin is a cop in Milwaukee. I mean, kind of a cop. He has a gun.
Officer Landers
Yeah, they're gonna love you downtown, jughead.
Chowder
Ow!
Officer Lister
We are super cops.
Officer Landers
Yeah, that's why I live in a condo.
Officer Lister
Super cop. Super duper cop. Super... Uh, you hear that?
[hears a noise]
Officer Landers
Yep, that's my stomach. I am starving.
Officer Lister
No, no, no. That sounds like a dangerous creature. I'm gonna go check it out.
Officer Landers
Oh, my gosh. This is like trying to wrangle a puppy. All right, I'll be back.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expressions of Family Love and Affection
Mrs. Walters
We both love you. That includes your dad.
Mr. Walters
That's right.
Mrs. Walters
Blow him a kiss.
Mr. Walters
He's had enough kisses.
Mrs. Walters
Blow him a kiss. Blow him a kiss.
Mr. Walters
Goodbye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Request to Use a Phone
Jenny
May I please use your phone?
Chowder
Yeah, sure.
DJ
Here. Who you calling?
Jenny
My mother.
Chowder
Rude.
DJ
You know, she's probably not gonna believe you. It's too much for the adult mind to comprehend.
Jenny
Um, is this pee? Because if it is, that's really gross.
DJ
It's...
Chowder
DJ?! You pee in bottles?!
DJ
What are you talking about? That one is your pee!
Chowder
Uh-uh! It's yours!
DJ
It's his!
Jenny
May I please speak with Alison?
Chowder
Oh, unsanitary!
Jenny
Her daughter, thank you.
DJ
It's his pee!
Jenny
Excuse me. Mom, I was selling chocolates in Mayville, and, well, it's kind of confusing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disruption in the Community
Taglines
There Goes The Neighborhood.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Living Nightmare of a House
Taglines
A living, breathing, nightmare of a house!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Crossover to the Other Side of the Street
Taglines
This Summer......Cross Over to the Other Side........Of the Street.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate Over Mysterious Shrine and Disappearance
DJ
Constance.
Chowder
Holy moly! He really did eat her!
DJ
Couldn't have. Her whole body is buried in cement.
Jenny
Look at all this stuff. Why would he build her a shrine if he murdered her?
Chowder
Maybe he just felt guilty or something. DJ, can we please get out of here?
DJ
Shh. I always knew you were hiding something, Mr. Nebbercracker.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Consequences of Past Actions
Mr. Nebbercracker
You stay away from those children, Constance! Constance.
DJ
Mr. Nebbercracker.
Mr. Nebbercracker
Oh, now. There, there. Oh, my sweet. You've been a bad girl, haven't you? You hurt people. Oh, Constance. We've always known this day would come. Haven't we? I—I have to make things right. I have to make things right. Constance? I've always done best for you, haven't I? Haven't I, girl? Constance? Let this be the right thing to do.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nature's Emergency Exit Explained
Jenny
Gross!
Chowder
Um, did we just get upchucked?
Jenny
The uvula, nature's emergency exit.
Chowder
That's it! Another great idea, DJ! Brilliant!
[dusting himself off]
DJ
What do you want from me, Chowder? I don't see you coming up with any big ideas!
Chowder
Oh, yeah? Yeah? Do you wanna hear my big idea? I'm going home to make a pretzel sandwich! See ya!
[storms off but DJ stops him]
DJ
Chowder, the house is still alive and you're gonna wuss out?!
Chowder
I risked my life for you! I stole drugs for you and I could've died in there!
DJ
Yeah, me too!
Chowder
Yeah, but you're the one who killed Nebbercracker in the first place!
DJ
Getting your stupid ball back!
Jenny
You guys, stop fighting! You're acting like babies!
[intervening]
DJ
We are babies! What were we thinking? We tried to put a house to sleep with cold medicine. How lame can you get?
Chowder
Where are you going?
DJ
I'm going home. I suck.
[nearly gets run over by the ambulance]
Jenny
DJ!
Chowder
At least it's an ambulance. DJ? It's a ghost! Begone! Fie!
Mr. Nebbercracker
Begone yourself! Get away!
DJ
He's not a ghost! He's not dead! I'm not a murderer!
Mr. Nebbercracker
Of course I am not dead. Who said that I was dead?! You'll be dead if you don't scram!
Chowder & Jenny
DJ!
Mr. Nebbercracker
Don't you know what day this is? I'm running out of time! I'm running out of time! Honey, I'm home. Oh, look at you. Your shingles are all ruffled, and your windows are cracked. Oh, but it's no problem, sweetie. It's no problem at all.
DJ
It's her. The house is her.
Chowder
DJ, come on!
Jenny
Come back!
Chowder
Where are you going?!
Mr. Nebbercracker
Nothing a little paint and varnish can't handle.
DJ
Mr. Nebbercracker! I know about Constance.
[Nebbercracker turns around, glaring at D.J.; the house growls while watching DJ's re-encounter with Nebbercracker]
Mr. Nebbercracker
What? What do you know? You don't know anything! You were in my house? You--
[he tries to lunge at D.J., but he nearly falls, D.J. saves him from the fall and Nebbercracker recognizes DJ]
DJ
You didn't kill her, did you?
Mr. Nebbercracker
I love her so much.
Young Nebbercracker
Hello? I can take you away from here. Would you like that?
Constance
Yes!
Young Mr. Nebbercracker
OK, open your eyes. OK, it's not much, I know, but--
[she does so]
Constance
Darling!
Constance
Get away from my house! I'll rip them to bits! Help! Help!
Young Mr. Nebbercracker
Constance!
Constance
Help! Help!
Young Nebbercracker
What's wrong? Are you hurt?
Constance
Hurt?! Yes, I'm hurt!! Those criminals are attacking our house!!!!
Teenage Bully
Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
Young Mr. Nebbercracker
Now, now, they're- they're just kids, dear. It's Halloween.
Constance
No, no, no, it's my house, and they are HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Young Mr. Nebbercracker
Constance! Look at me! Look at me! As long as I'm here, I will never let anyone hurt you. Constance!
[he turns her face towards him; an egg is thrown at her]
Teenage Bully
Sucker!
Constance
You vandals!
[the bullies continue throwing eggs at her as she swings the axe to hurt them]
Teenage Bully
Eat this!!!! Eat this!!!!
Constance
You hooligans! I will get you!
Young Mr. Nebbercracker
CONSTANCE, NO!
[he tries to take the axe from her, but she accidentally knocks him over. Then she pulls the cement lever and falls into the pit, yelling. The cement spills on herself. The flashback ends with the finished house.]
Mr. Nebbercracker
So, I finished the house. She would have wanted that. She died, but she didn't leave. And that night, that, that one night of every year, I had to take precautions.
[a boy rides by the house on a bicycle, throwing a newspaper at it; the newspaper is thrown back at the biker, hitting him and making him fall off the bike causing it and other newspapers to fall out, cut to him hammering a "beware" sign in front of the house, then a trio of kids in Halloween costumes in front of the house]
Bully
Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
[he and the other two start throwing things at the house]
Mr. Nebbercracker
I had to. I had to!
Young Mr. Nebbercracker
HEY! Get off... STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!
Mr. Nebbercracker
She attacks anyone who comes near! Go! I'm coming, dear! GO!
[backs away from D.J.]
DJ
No, no, wait! I can't let you do this, Mr. Nebbercracker! I know that you've been protecting us all these years, but now it's our turn to protect you. Let her go.
Mr. Nebbercracker
But if I let her go...then I'll have no one.
DJ
That's not true.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Treats Amidst Suspenseful Observations
Chowder
8:00am. No detectable movement.
DJ
No detectable movement.
Zee
Hey, DJ, I brought you some chocolate.
DJ
Cover blown?
Chowder
Oh, no detectable movement.
Zee
What are you two weirdos up to?
Chowder
Oh, nothing. Just something in the house across the street just tried to eat us!
DJ
Yeah, we've been up all night watching it! We haven't even left this room once! Not even to go to the bathroom! Don't drink that!
Zee
Oh, gross! Whatever disease you guys have, I'm sure it's got letters and that they make pills for it.
DJ
Zee, it's true. There's something evil going on across the street.
Zee
That's excellent. I'm really happy for you. Anyway, have you two astronomers seen Bones? He left last night unexpectedly and he never came back.
DJ
Never came back?
Chowder
The bottle!
DJ
Of course!
Zee
Oh, okay, you know what? I really don't have time for this.
Chowder
Listen, Zee, I really don't know how to tell you this...
DJ
Your boyfriend has most likely been eaten alive.
Zee
Sherry Klausen. I gotta go. Breakfast. Happy Halloween, losers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rookie Officer Faces Unusual Situation with Kids
Officer Landers
All right, kids, this had better be good. I was out there in the forest wrestling with a bear claw when we got the call. I was eating a donut.
[laughs]
Officer Lister
All three of you, step to the car now.
Chowder
My ears.
Officer Landers
Well, they're at the car. It's okay. He's a rookie, first week on the job.
Jenny
Officer, we have reason to believe that there's a dangerous creature inside that house.
DJ
It may have killed a man.
Chowder
And a dog.
Officer Lister
Doggy down? We've got a situation! We've got a situation!
Officer Lander
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Officer Lister
I'm calling for backup. Didn't you hear what the kid just said? There's a dangerous creature inside that house.
Officer Landers
We don't have backup. It's just Judy at the station. And this is no situation. It's just a couple tater tots hopped up on too many Pixy Stix.
Officer Lister
I bet you the dead dog would beg to differ.
Officer Landers
What was that?
Officer Lister
Nothing.
Officer Landers
All right, time's up, peewees. It's Halloween, and believe it or not, we've got things to do.
Officer Lister
Oh, we do?
Officer Landers
Yeah.
DJ
No, no, wait. You can't. All right, this thing, it has a mouth, and it comes out and grabs things and pulls them in and eats them.
Chowder
Yeah, like this.
Jenny
Okay, okay! The thing is, we're trying to make this sound more real than it normally would.
Officer Landers
Hmm, problem is that it sounds kind of not real. So we'll see you later.
DJ
No. All right, I'll show you. But if things get out of hand...
Officer Landers
We'll aim for Bigfoot. That's loaded!
[he and Officer Lister laugh]
Officer Lister
He's hopping.
Jenny
Smart house.
Officer Landers
Hey! You- both of you, come here. Bring it to the car. Come on. I'm gonna forget about you throwing that rock because that dance was pretty funny. But the next time any of you mess with this guy's house, all three of you are going in the hole, you got it? Now, I'll give you ten seconds to march!
Jenny
But we need your help! It's your job to help us!
Chowder
Mm-hmm.
Officer Landers
1...
DJ
Come on.
Officer Landers
2, 3, 4, 5...
Chowder
Ow, that's tender!
DJ
My house is right over there!
Jenny
So much for relying on the government.
Chowder
Yeah, I know. I hate the government. Dude, we're screwed.
DJ
No, we're not! We'll go to an expert! You're looking at the three-time, tri-state, over fourteen Thou Art Dead champion. His name is Reginald Skullinski, but they call him "Skull".
[scene cuts to arcade]
Jenny
Who's "they"?
Chowder
Me and DJ.
DJ
Yeah.
Chowder
He's the smartest guy on earth.
Jenny
So, let's go talk to him.
DJ
Hey, Jenny, Jenny.
Chowder
Hey, Jenny, Jenny, hold on. Hold up. Skull is in the game zone right now, and you don't wanna mess with him when he's in the game zone.
Jenny
Fine, so how long is he gonna be playing?
Skull
Die, die!
Chowder
Who knows? He once played for four days straight on one quarter, a gallon of chocolate milk, and an adult diaper.
DJ
The man is a legend.
Jenny
Well, if he is not coming out of the game zone, then we are going in.
DJ
What? Hey, what are you...?
Chowder
Uh, what? Jenny, no.
Skull
It's like you're not gonna do it. Like, you're gonna die. You're gonna die. Oh, did you see that? I just chopped off your head again. Your head's rolling. You can't see it. Your eyes are on your head.
DJ
Uh, sir?
Skull
What? I'm busy playing a video game without even looking at the screen. What?!
DJ
Okay, old man Nebbercracker's house is possessed, and I need to know how to destroy it before it comes out and tries to kill people...
Skull
Calm down. You make me wanna throw up in some tinfoil and eat it! Oh, you like the steel of my blade? It's so cold! Yah! Possessed house, you say? Hmm. In my travels to the video store and comic-book conventions, I've seen many strange and wondrous things. And I've heard tell of man-made structures becoming possessed by a human soul so that the spirit becomes merged with wood and brick, creating a rare form of monster, known as Domus Mactabilis.
DJ
The house is Mr. Nebbercracker.
Chowder
We're its murderous enemies.
Skull
Have fun getting killed. Oh, look at that blood.
DJ
So, how do we kill it?
Skull
You've gotta strike at the source of life, the heart.
DJ
But houses don't have hearts.
Skull
Yes! Yeah, you might be right about that. Sorry, children, but I've got some very important business to take care of. I won't be seeing you later.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Warning: Danger Lurks in the House
Taglines
Hide Your Children. This House Will Eat Them!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern Over Mysterious Neighbors and Strange Behavior
DJ
Mom, he did it again! He took another tricycle.
[running out the front door]
Mrs. Walters
Okay, honey. We talked about this. You cannot stay up in your room all day, staring at an old man through a telescope.
DJ
But, Mom, there's something wrong with that house. I'm serious!
Mrs. Walters
What was that?
DJ
I'm serious.
[clears throat]
Mrs. Walters
His voice sounds funny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Trespassing on Private Property
Mr. Nebbercracker
GET OFF MY LAWN! Trespasser! Do you want to be eaten alive?!
[to Eliza; Eliza screams in terror; runs over to her as she tries to get her tricycle out of his lawn while pedaling faster]
Eliza
No.
Mr. Nebbercracker
Then GET OUT OF HERE!
Eliza
My Tric.....
Mr. Nebbercracker
STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Return in Monster House
Chowder
Heat seeker!
DJ
Chowder, what are you doing?! Shut up!
Chowder
What?
DJ
Nebbercracker's back from the dead.
Chowder
No way.
DJ
Yeah.
Chowder
They left the keys in here. You dare me?
DJ
Chowder, you're not listening to me! Nebbercracker's haunting me, all right? His blood is on my hands. And now he's coming back for revenge.
Chowder
You're really crazy right now, have you noticed that? I think you're just freaking out because you killed a guy today. Life goes on for you. Try and relax, be cool like me.
DJ
Chowder, what are you doing?!
Chowder
Make it stop!
DJ
Quit screwing around! I need your help.
Chowder
Fine, you want my help?
DJ
Yeah.
Chowder
I got three words for you: trick-or-treat.
DJ
Okay, whatever. Let's go.
Chowder
Hold on.
DJ
Chowder, come on.
Chowder
The haunting is subtle, yet really, really boring. Can I go home now?
DJ
Chowder, shh! He'll hear you!
Chowder
DJ, this is why nobody will sit next to us at lunch. I'll go ding-dong-ditch the house and you'll see. No ghost!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation at the Haunted House
Mr. Nebbercracker
YOU!
DJ
No.
Chowder
DJ, run! Get the ball and run! You are so close!
Mr. Nebbercracker
What have you done?
Chowder
Just nudge it over here.
DJ
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean...
Mr. Nebbercracker
YOU ARE DEAD!
[angrily runs after DJ]
Chowder
Run! DJ, come on!
[starts running from Nebbercracker]
DJ
Chowder!
Chowder
Come on, DJ!
[Chowder sees DJ being caught by Nebbercracker]
DJ
HELP, CHOWDER!
[screaming]
Chowder
Help!!! Help!!!
[shouting]
Mr. Nebbercracker
You think you can just terrorize my lawn?!
[lifting DJ in the sky like in the Lion king]
DJ
No, I'm sorry!
[getting lifted]
Mr. Nebbercracker
You wanna be a dead person?!
DJ
No, I love life!
Mr. Nebbercracker
This place is not a playground for children!
DJ
Got it from now on!
Mr. Nebbercracker
This is my house! Why can't you respect that? Why can't you just, stay away from my....?!?!
[stops and makes weird faces, his spine cracks as he falls down on top of DJ, releasing him]
Chowder
Whoa. No siren. Never a good sign.
DJ
I'm a murderer.
Chowder
No, you're not!
DJ
I'm not?
Chowder
When it's an accident, they call it manslaughter!
DJ
I think I'm gonna throw up. Babysitter's here.
Chowder
See ya, DJ!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Saving the Neighborhood Together
Taglines
It's up to them to save the neighborhood
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Welcome to the Fun House Experience
Taglines
Welcome to the Fun House!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Three Kids and One Living House
Taglines
Three Kids. One House. It's Alive!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Long-Awaited Escape from Captivity
Mr. Nebbercracker
45 years... We have been trapped for 45 years. And now... we're free!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The House Has Its Own Life
Taglines
The House is . . . . Alive!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discovery of Nebbercracker's Hidden Toys
Chowder
Whoa. Look at all these toys.
Jenny
This must be where Nebbercracker kept his stash.
Chowder
Stash".
[chuckles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Plea for Assistance
Mr. Nebbercracker
Take this. You have to help me, please?! I know you can do it! Go on! Go, hurry!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.