Mr. Deeds Goes to Town Quotes

Longfellow Deeds When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm going to ask him to show you to the door. Many people don't know where it is.

Morrow Pal, look, how would you like to go on a real old-fashioned binge?

Deeds Binge?

Morrow Yeah, I mean the real McCoy. Listen, you play saloon with me and I'll introduce you to every wit, nitwit, and half-wit in New York. We'll go on a twister that'll make Omar the soused philosopher of Persia look like an anemic on a goat's milk diet!

Deeds Well, I guess that oughtta be fun.

Morrow Fun? Listen, I'll take you on a bender that will live in your memory as a thing of beauty and a joy forever!

Longfellow Deeds From what I can see, no matter what system of government we have, there will always be leaders and always be followers. It's like the road out in front of my house. It's on a steep hill. Every day I watch the cars climbing up. Some go lickety-split up that hill on high, some have to shift into second, and some sputter and shake and slip back to the bottom again. Same cars, same gasoline, yet some make it and some don't. And I say the fellas who can make the hill on high should stop once in a while and help those who can't. That's all I'm trying to do with this money. Help the fellas who can't make the hill on high. It's like I'm out in a big boat, and I see one fellow in a rowboat who's tired of rowing and wants a free ride, and another fellow who's drowning. Who would you expect me to rescue? Mr. Cedar - who's just tired of rowing and wants a free ride? Or those men out there who are drowning? Any ten year old child will give you the answer to that.

Cedar Do you know the defendant, Mr. Longfellow Deeds?

Jane Faulkner Oh yes, yes, of course we know him.

Cedar How long have you known him?

Jane Faulkner Since he was born.

Amy Faulkner Yes, Elsie Taggart was the midwife.

Jane Faulkner He was a seven months baby.

Cedar Thank you, that's, that's fine. Do you see him very often?

Jane Faulkner Most every day.

Amy Faulkner Sometimes twice.

Judge May Must we have the echo?

John Cedar Suppose you just answer, Miss Jane. Now, will you tell the court what everybody at home thinks of Longfellow Deeds?

Jane Faulkner They think he's pixilated.

Amy Faulkner Oh, yes, pixilated.

Judge May He's what?

Cedar What was that you said he was?

Jane Faulkner Pixilated.

Amy Faulkner Mm-hmm.

Cedar Now that's rather a strange word to us, Miss Jane. Can you tell the court exactly what it means?

Board member Perhaps I can explain, Your Honor. The word "pixilated" is an early American expression derived from the word "pixies," meaning elves. They would say the pixies had got him. As we nowadays would say, a man is "barmy.

Judge May Oh. Is that correct?

Jane Faulkner Mm-hmm.

Amy Faulkner Mm-hmm.

Longfellow Deeds Even his hands are oily.

Babe Mabel, that guy's either the dumbest, stupidest or the most imbecilic idiot in the world or else he's the grandest thing alive. I can't make him out... I'm crucifying him.

Mabel People have been crucified before.

Babe Why? Why do we have to do it?

Mabel You started out to be a successful newspaper woman, didn't ya?...

Babe Here's a guy that's wholesome and fresh. To us, he looks like a freak. Do you know what he told me tonight? He said when he gets married, he wants to carry his bride over the threshold in his arms... I tried to laugh, but I couldn't. It stuck in my throat... He's got goodness, Mabel. Do you know what that is?... No, of course you don't. We've forgotten. We're too busy being smart alecks. Too busy in a crazy competition for nothing.

Deeds He talks about women as if they were cattle.

Walter Every man to his taste, sir.

Deeds Tell me, Walter. Are all these stories I hear about my uncle true?

Walter Well, sir. He sometimes had as many as 20 in the house at the same time.

Deeds 20! What did he do with them?

Walter That is something I was never able to find out, sir.

Judge May Mr. Deeds, there has been a great deal of damaging testimony against you. Your behavior, to say the least, has been most strange. But in the opinion of the court, you are not only sane, but you're the sanest man that ever walked into this courtroom!

Cornelius Cobb You're wasting your time. He doesn't want any lawyers. He's sunk so low he doesn't want help from anybody. You can take a bow for that. As swell a guy as ever hit this town, and you crucified him for a couple of stinking headlines. You've done your bit. Stay out of his way.

Cedar I'm John Cedar, of the New York firm of Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington.

Deeds Budington must feel like an awful stranger.

Deeds Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington. Funny, I can't think of a rhyme for "Budington".

Cobb Why should you?

Deeds Well, whenever I run across the funny name, I like to poke around for a rhyme.

Deeds Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.

Walter You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.

Deeds I did what?

Walter As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes at all. You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.

Deeds Don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

Walter That's what the two policemen said, sir.

Deeds What two policemen?

Walter The ones who brought you home, sir. They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting "back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!

Cedar Do you know a fellow by the name of Longfellow Deeds?

Stationmaster Deeds?...Yes sir, yes, indeedy. Everyone knows Deeds.

Cedar We'd like to get in touch with him. It's very important.

Stationmaster Deeds. Fine fellow, very democratic. You won't have no trouble at all. Talks to anybody.

Morrow You hop aboard my magic carpet and I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.

Deeds Well, I'd kinda like to see Grant's tomb and the Statue of Liberty.

Morrow Well, you'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through, you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you'll mount Mount Everest, I'll show you the Pyramids and all the little pyramidees, leaping from sphinx to sphinx!

Babe To most people, it's an awful let-down....To most people, it's a washout.

Deeds Well, that depends on what they see.

Babe Now what do you see?

Deeds Me? Oh I see a small Ohio farm boy becoming a great soldier. I see thousands of marching men. I see ] with a broken heart surrendering. And I can see the beginning of a new nation, like ] said. And I can see that ] being inaugurated as President. Things like that can only happen in a country like America.

Longfellow Deeds What puzzles me is why people seem to get so much pleasure out of, out of hurting each other? Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?

Mrs. Meredith He's over to the park arranging a bazaar so as to make money for the fire engines. Mal, you should have known he was at the park.

Stationmaster Knew it all the time, but these men said they wanted to see the house. Can't read their minds if they don't say what they want.

Longfellow Deeds People here are funny. They work so hard at living they forget how to live. Last night, after I left you, I was walking along and - and lookin at the tall buildings, and I got to thinking about what ] said. They created a lot of grand palaces here, but they forgot to create the noblemen to put in them. I'd rather have Mandrake Falls.

Deeds Now, um, heh, now about the Faulkner sisters. That's kind of funny. I mean, about Mr. Cedar going all the way to Mandrake Falls to bring them here. Do you mind if I talk to them?

Judge May Not at all.

Deeds Jane, who owns the house you live in?

Jane Faulkner Why, you own it, Longfellow.

Amy Faulkner Yes, you own it.

Deeds Do you pay any rent?

Jane Faulkner No, we don't pay any rent.

Amy Faulkner Good heavens, no, we never pay rent.

Deeds Are you happy there?

Jane Faulkner Oh, yes.

Amy Faulkner Yes indeed.

Deeds Now, uh, Jane, a little while ago you said I was pixilated. Do you still think so?

Jane Faulkner Why, you've always been pixilated, Longfellow.

Amy Faulkner Always.

Deeds That's fine, hm, I guess maybe I am. And now tell me something, Jane: who else in Mandrake Falls is pixilated?

Jane Faulkner Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated - except us.

Amy Faulkner Mm-hmm.

John Your honor, what she is saying has no bearing on the case. I object!

Judge May Let me speak!

Babe I know why he won't defend himself! That has a bearing on the case, hasn't it? He's been hurt, he's been hurt by everybody he met since he came here, principally me. He's been the victim of every conniving crook in town. The newspapers pounced on him, made him a target for their feeble humor. I was smarter than the rest of them: I got closer to him, so I could laugh louder. Why shouldn't he keep quiet - every time he said anything, it was twisted around to sound imbecilic! He can thank me for it. I handed the gang a grand laugh. It's a fitting climax to my sense of humor.

John Why, your honor? This is preposterous.

Babe Certainly I wrote those articles. I was going to get a raise, a month's vacation. But I stopped writing them when I found out what he was all about, when I realized how real he was. He could never fit in with our distorted viewpoint. Because he's honest, and sincere, and good. If that man's crazy, your honor, the rest of us belong in straitjackets!

John Your honor, this is absurd. The woman's obviously in love with him.

Babe What's that got to do with it?

John Well, you are in love with him. Aren't you?

Babe What's that got to do with it?

John You are. Aren't you?

Babe Yes!