Assessing Marriage Happiness on a Scale
Counselor:
At the scale of one to ten, how happy are you in this marriage?
Jane: [quickly]
Eight.
John:
Wait, is ten perfectly happy or...?
Counselor:
Just respond instinctively.
John: [turns to Jane]
You ready?
Jane:
Yeah.
Together:
Eight.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate Over the Flawed Plan
Jane:
You deviated from the plan.
John:
The plan was flawed.
Jane:
The plan was not flawed.
John:
Anal.
Jane:
Organized.
John:
Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.
Jane:
Well, your instinct set off every alarm of the building.
John:
My instinct got the job done. It may not have been Jane Show...
Jane:
No! It was John Show. It was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.
John:
Your fake mother's birthday present.
Jane:
The point is, you are always the first to break team.
John:
You don't want a team. You want a servant to hire.
Jane:
I want someone I can count on.
John: [sigh]
Jane, there is no air around you any more.
Janeh:
Oh, what is that supposed to mean?
John:
That means there is no room for mistakes, whatsoever. No mistakes. No spontaneity. Who can answer that?
Jane:
Well, you don't have to. Because this is not even a real marriage!
Danz:
Who are you people?
Jane:
Shut up!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Secrets and Tensions in a Relationship
John: [during a car chase; Jane slams on the brakes]
I never told you, but I was married once before. Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?
Jane: [hitting John]
You're what's wrong with me!
John:
It was a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane: [pause]
Oh, that's better! That's much better! What's her name and social security number?
John:
No, you're not gonna kill her.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Exchange of Threats and Compliance
Jane:
Promise me to leave the town or I will blow it.
John:
Ok... I give up. Please blow it.
Jane:
Excuse me. What?
John:
Go on. Blow it.
Jane:
You think I won't?
John:
I think you won't.
Jane:
OK. Five. Four. Any last words?
John:
Your new curtains are hideous.
Jane: [Janet hit's the PC keyboard and the bomb detonates. The monitor screen blacks out.]
Goodbye John. What the hell is this?
Janet:
You said Goodbye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Button Pushing and Confidence Challenges
John:
Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.
Jane:
Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Adjusting to New Situations
Jane:
If you don't like them we can take them back.
John:
All right, I don't like them.
Jane: [pause]
You'll get used to them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Distance in Unspoken Words
Jane:
There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor:
Marriage.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding a Simple Question about Intimacy
Counselor:
How often do you have sex?
Jane:
I don't understand the question.
John:
Yeah I'm lost, is this a one to ten thing?
Jane:
Yeah, is, like, ten nothing or one? Cause tech- technically speaking, zero would be nothing.
Counselor:
How bout this week?
John:
Including the weekends?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disagreement on Years of Marriage
John:
Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
Jane:
Six.
John: [chastened]
Five or six years.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Trust and Unfinished Stories in Relationships
Jane Smith:
Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
Eddie:
I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Silence and Deception
John Smith:
Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punch line is you die.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unusual Conflict Between Spouses
John Smith:
We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on beginnings and endings
John Smith:
I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
