Name: My Cousin Vinny
Genre: Drama, Comedy
Released: 1992-03-13
Duration: 119 min
Rating: 7.5
Cast: Ralph Macchio, Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei, Mitchell Whitfield, Fred Gwynne

My Cousin Vinny

Hostile Witness Questioning in Court

Vinny Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct? Is that correct?

Judge Haller Would you please answer the counselor's question?

Lisa No, I hate him.

Vinny Your Honor, may I ask your permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

Lisa You think I'm hostile now? Wait till you see me tonight.

Judge Haller Do you two know each other?

Vinny Yeah, she's my fiancée.

Judge Haller Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

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My Cousin Vinny

Courtroom Objection to Opening Statement

Vinny Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.

Jim Trotter Objection, Your Honor, counsel's entire opening statement is argument.

Judge Haller Objection sustained. Counsel's entire opening statement, with the exception of "thank you," will be stricken from the record.

[to the jury]

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My Cousin Vinny

Inconsistent Train Schedule Discussion

Vinny Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?

Hotel Clerk No, sir, it's very unusual.

Vinny Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.

[the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train]

Hotel Clerk I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

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My Cousin Vinny

Questioning the Validity of Visual Evidence

Vinny I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!

[Questioning Lisa]

Lisa Would you like me to explain?

Vinny I would love to hear this!

Judge Haller ...So would I.

Lisa The car that made these two equal-length tire marks had positraction. Can't make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the 64 Buick Skylark!

Vinny And why not? What is positraction?

Lisa It's a limited-slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The 64 Skylark had a regular differential, which anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothin’.

Juror That's right.

[Quietly]

Vinny Is that it?

Lisa No, there's more. You see when the left tire mark goes up on the curb, and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the 64 Skylark had a solid rear axle. So, when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge, but that didn't happen here, the tire mark stayed flat and even; this car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the 60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks: one was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheelbase, and wheel track as the 64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

[Shows on the picture]

Vinny And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint-green paint?

Lisa They were!

[leans forward with her hands on the witness stand]

Vinny Thank you, Ms. Vito! No more questions. Thank you very very much. You've been a lovely lovely witness.

[kisses her right hand; kisses her left hand]

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My Cousin Vinny

Questioning the Feasibility of a Crime

Vinny Is it possible the two defendants... entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... Then two different men drive up in a similar - Don't shake ya head. I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now... Two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?

[Gives Haller a glance; sees Tipton is already shaking his head; continues]

Tipton No. They didn't have enough time.

Vinny Well, how much time was they in the store?

Tipton Five minutes.

Vinny Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?

Tipton No.

Vinny Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry. So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.

Tipton That's right.

Vinny So you knew that. Uh, do you remember what ya had?

Tipton Eggs and grits.

Vinny Eggs and grits. I like grits too. How do you like your grits? You like em regular, creamy or al dente?

Tipton Just regular, I guess.

[confused by the question]

Vinny Regular. Instant grits?

Tipton No self-respectin’ Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.

[chuckles]

Vinny So, Mr. Tipton. How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?

[Walks over to Jury, as he prepares his next question]

Tipton I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.

[nervously]

Vinny I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you just say you're a fast cook, that’s it!? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen... than on any place on the face of the Earth!?

[Walks back over to Tipton]

Tipton I don't know.

[faltering]

Vinny Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans!?

Jim Trotter Objection, Your Honor.

Judge Haller Objection sustained. You can ignore the question, Mr. Tipton.

Vinny You sure about that five minutes?

[advancing on Tipton]

Tipton I don't know.

Vinny Are you sure about that five minutes?

Tipton I don't know!

Judge Haller Mr. Gambini, I think you made your point.

[banging his gavel]

Vinny ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT FIVE MINUTES!?!?

Tipton I may have been mistaken.

[embarrassed]

Vinny I got no more use for this guy.

Stan You're fired. I want him!

[gets up and points at Vinny]

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My Cousin Vinny

A Comedy of Trial and Error

Taglines A Comedy of Trial and Error

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My Cousin Vinny

Judicial Consequences and Unexpected Revelations

Judge Haller Mr. Gambini, I’d like to speak to you in my chambers.

[Motioning to his chamber; Walks into the chamber with Vinny behind him]

Judge Haller You're a dead man.

Vinny I'm a dead man?

Judge Haller That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you wanna know what he replied?

Vinny Did you just say Gallo?

Judge Haller Yes, I did.

Vinny Gallo wit a G?

Judge Haller That's right.

Vinny Jerry Gallo's dead!

Judge Haller I'm aware of that!

[holds up fax]

Vinny Well I'm not Jerry Gallo! I'm Jerry Callo! "C-A-LLO!

Judge Haller Alright. Let's get this cleared up right now. Hello. This is Judge Chamberlain Haller. Can I speak to the clerk? OK, I'll be here.

[picks up phone, dials]

Judge Haller He's gonna call back after 3. Which gives you a "stay of execution". Unless, by some miracle you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don't you go to lunch?

[hangs up, returns to Vinny]

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My Cousin Vinny

The Importance of a Single Opportunity

Vinny Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winnin’ the case. I could do it! I really could. Let me tell ya how, okay? The D.A.'s gotta build a case. Buildin’ a case is like buildin’ a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-lookin’ bricks, like, like these, right?

[puts his hand on the wall]

Bill Right.

Vinny Let me show ya somethin’. He's gonna show you the bricks. He'll show ya they got straight sides. He'll show ya how they got the right shape. He'll show ‘em to ya in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show ya. When ya look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, cause you're innocent. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

[he holds up a playing card, the Ace of Spades, with the face toward Bill; turns the card, so that its edge is toward Bill.; Flips the card back over to show a Joker]

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My Cousin Vinny

Contrasting Styles in a New Environment

Lisa What?

Vinny Nothin’, you stick out like a sore thumb around here.

Lisa Me? What about you?

Vinny I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin’ cowboy boots.

Lisa Oh, yeah, you blend.

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My Cousin Vinny

Legal Disclosure and Trial Rights Explained

Lisa Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?

Vinny I told you why already.

Lisa He has to, by law! You're entitled! It's called "disclosure", ya dickhead! He has to show ya everything, otherwise, it could be a mistrial! He has to give you a list of all of his witnesses, you can talk to all of his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises! They didn't teach you that in law school either?

[Vinny is speechless; Lisa has her hands on her hips]

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My Cousin Vinny

Trial Expectations in a Southern Courtroom

Vinny Questions? Ask who questions?

Bill You knew you could ask questions, didn't you Vin?

Stan Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!

Vinny Hey, Stan. You're in Ala-fuckin’-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol’ boy. There is NO WAY this is not goin’ to trial.

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My Cousin Vinny

A Dispute Over Pool Wager

Vinny Hey, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini--

Lisa His name's J.T.

Vinny J.T., I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won; I'm here to collect.

J.T. How bout if I just kick your ass?

Vinny Oh, a counteroffer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer, call that a counteroffer. Let me see, this is a tough decision you're givin’ me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars? Hmm, let me think. I could use a good ass kickin’, I'll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.

J.T. Over my dead body.

Vinny You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counteroffer: do I have to kill you? What if I was just to kick the ever-lovin’ shit outta ya?

J.T. In your dreams.

Vinny Oh, no, no, no, in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta ya, do I get the money?

J.T. If you kick the shit outta me...

[contemplates this]

Vinny Yeah.

J.T. ...then you get the money.

Vinny What happened? Rear-ended?

Neck Brace No, I fell.

Vinny Oh. Okay, let’s see if we agree on the terms. The choice now is: I get my ass kicked, or, option B: I kick your ass, and collect the 200. I'm goin’ wit option B, kickin’ your ass and collectin two-hundred dollars.

[takes his coat off]

J.T. Are we gon’ fight now?

Vinny Yeah, first let me see the money.

J.T. I have the money.

Vinny All right, show it to me.

J.T. I can get it.

Vinny You can get it? All right, get it. Then we'll fight.

Vinny Did you fall in your place, or somebody else’s?

Neck Brace My place.

Vinny Shit.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

My Cousin Vinny

Nervousness in Uncertain Situations

Vinny What's the matter with you?

Lisa I don't know.

Vinny You're actin’ like you're nervous or somethin’.

Lisa Well, yeah, I am.

Vinny What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.

Lisa You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell ya what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's goin’ on. Alls I know is that you're screwin’ up and I can't help.

Vinny You left me a little camera, didn't you?

Lisa Oh, Vinny! I'm watchin’ you go down in flames, and you're bringin’ me with you, and I can't do anything about it!

Vinny And?

Lisa Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is gettin’ married. My biological clock is tickin’ like this, and the way this case is goin’, I ain't never gettin’ married!

[stamps foot three times]

Vinny Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just achin’ to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?! Is it possible?!

[stamps foot three times; Stares upward to indicate him thinking of anything else; looks up again]

Lisa Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

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My Cousin Vinny

Legal Procedures and Misunderstandings in Court

Vinny My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were gettin’ arrested for, uh, shopliftin’ a can of tuna.

Judge Haller What are you tellin’ me? That they plead not guilty?

Vinny No. I'm just tryin’ t’explain.

Judge Haller I don't wanna hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients--

Judge Haller Uh, Mr. Gambini? All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.

[motions for him to approach the bench]

Vinny But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.

Judge Haller Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you wanna skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defendin’ clients who say they didn't do it. The next words out of your mouth are either gonna be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't wanna hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even wanna hear you clear your throat. Now, how... do... your... clients... plead?

[enunciating]

Vinny I think... I get... the point.

[enunciating, but the words go right past him]

Judge Haller No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?

Vinny Not guilty.

Judge Haller Thank you.

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My Cousin Vinny

Miscommunication in the Courtroom

Vinny Is it possible that the two youts–

Judge Haller Uh, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?

Vinny Uh, what word?

Judge Haller Two what?

Vinny What?

Judge Haller Did you say "yutes"?

Vinny Yeah, two youts.

Judge Haller What is a yute?

Vinny Oh, excuse me, Your Honor, two youths.

[enunciates]

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My Cousin Vinny

Bathroom Sounds and Responsibility

Vinny Is that a drip I hear?

Lisa Yeah.

Vinny Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?

Lisa So?

Vinny Well, did you use the faucet?

Lisa Yeah.

Vinny Why didn't you turn it off?

Lisa I did turn it off.

Vinny Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?

Lisa Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?

Vinny No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.

Lisa Maybe it's broken.

Vinny Is that what you're sayin’? It's broken?

Lisa Yeah, that's it; it's broken.

Vinny You sure?

Lisa I'm positive.

Vinny Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.

Lisa I twisted it just right.

Vinny How can you be so sure?

Lisa If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.

Vinny How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?

Lisa Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.

Vinny In that case, how can you be sure that's accurate?

Lisa Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation. (Rips a page out of a magazine)

Vinny Dead-on balls accurate"?

Lisa It's an industry term.

Vinny I guess the fuckin’ thing is broken.

My Cousin Vinny

The Irrelevance of Fashion in Life-or-Death Situations

Vinny What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Ho!

[Lisa comes out of the bathroom]

Lisa Imagine you're a deer. You're prancin’ along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put ya little deer lips down to the cool clear water...bam! A fuckin’ bullet rips off part of ya head! Your brains are layin’ on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now, I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!

[Puts her hands on her hips]

My Cousin Vinny

A Unique Take on Courtroom Dramas

Taglines There have been many courtroom dramas that have glorified The Great American Legal System. This is not one of them.

My Cousin Vinny

Unexpected Connections in Legal Matters

Vinny What the hell was that all about back there?

Lisa I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry Callo!

Vinny What friends you got in the clerk’s office?

Lisa Your friend.

Vinny My friend?

Lisa Judge Malloy.

Vinny My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Lisa Well, I guess that plan's moot.

Vinny Yeah.

Lisa You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all ya cases, but with somebody else's help. Right? You win case, after case, - and then afterwards, you have to go up to somebody and you have to say- "thank you"! Oh my God, what a fuckin nightmare!

My Cousin Vinny

Courtroom Dress Code Reminder

Judge Haller Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?

Vinny You were serious about that?

My Cousin Vinny

Expert Knowledge Tested in Courtroom Exchange

Jim Trotter Now, uh, Ms. Vito, bein’ an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?

Lisa That's a bullshit question.

[scoffing]

Jim Trotter Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Lisa It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.

Jim Trotter Impossible because you don't know the answer!

Lisa Nobody could answer that question!

Jim Trotter Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an "expert witness"!

Judge Haller Can you answer the question?

Lisa No, it is a trick question!

Judge Haller Why is it a trick question?

Vinny Watch this.

[to Bill]

Lisa Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in 55, the 327 didn't come out till 62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till 64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.

[Vinny sits back, contently crossing his arms]

Jim Trotter Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

My Cousin Vinny

Introducing the New Guy in Jail

Guard Here. Got somebody for you.

[Vinny slips guard a 'tip', and enters the cell]

Vinny You must be Stan, how ya doin’?

Stan Why'd they bring you in here?

Vinny Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me here. Hey, sleepin’, huh? Cute little guy. Y’know, maybe I should start wit you. Let him sleep a little bit.

Stan I don't wanna do this.

Vinny Hey, I don't blame ya. If I was in your situation, I'd wanna get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, y’know, let's try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. What's the matter? Hey, relax, relax. Y’know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. Y’know, to get acquainted before we uh, y’know, before we get to it. What's wrong with you?

[Stan nervously moves away from Vinny]

Stan I don't wanna do this.

Vinny I understand, but y’know, what are your alternatives?

Stan My alternatives? To what, to you? I don't know, suicide, death...

Vinny Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin’ fucked one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up, but Vinny stops him) Hey, lighten up. Don't worry, I'm gonna help you.

Stan Gee, thanks.

[sarcastically]

Vinny Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be outta line here.

Stan You think I should be grateful?

Vinny Yeah, I mean it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin’ knees!

Stan I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny Hey, I'm doin’ a favor here, y’know. You're gettin’ me for nothin’, you little fuck.

Stan Boy, that's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan No. No, no. I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny That's it. You're on your own. I'm just takin’ care of Sleepin’ Beauty.

Bill Hey, back off! Vin! Vinny!

Stan Vinny?

[somewhat confused]

Bill Vinny bag o donuts. How are you?

Stan This is Vinny?

My Cousin Vinny Quotes

find it. watch it.