17 quotes
Child's Innocent Perspective on Fatherhood
Reporter
Did you see your daddy out there?
Joey
I have a toy pony, he takes big shits.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Significant Events in Mystery, Alaska
Bailey
Big doings we got here in Mystery. Price World wants to come here, and now the New York Rangers want to come.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the Simplicity of Hockey
Donnie
This is hockey, okay? It's not rocket surgery.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Coaching vs. Playing: A Common Perspective
Donna
Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that?
John
Because they can't play.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking Local Services in Mystery, Alaska
Donnie
Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Winter Festivities and Cold Fingers
Janice
It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut!
Charles
What?
Janice
I can't feel my fingers.
Matt
You need to rub them on a nice, warm Yuletide log.
Janice
I beg your pardon?
Matt
Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.
Janice
Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.
Charles
I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.
Matt
You need to relax!
[''laughing'']
Janice
Charles!
Matt
Do you like massages?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Excitement Over a Zamboni Announcement
Scott
And we're getting a Zamboni, Donna.
Donna
A Zamboni? Wow, I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
Scott
Jesus Christ!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Judge's Dismissal of Hockey Discussion
Judge Walter Burns
Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear about Price World, and I don't want to hear another word about a hockey game. We talked about that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misguided Remarks on Body Image
John Bebe
Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank.
Matt Marden
I never would've said that to her face!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Demand for Privacy
Walter
Hi, what's wrong.
Joanne
Uh, Walter, get out. This is private.
Walter
I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof. After all, I am the father of this child...
Joanne
Walter, if you don't leave, I *swear* I'll tell you.
Walter
Right.
[''pause'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Small Town's Potential Unveiled
Taglines
A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Hockey and Fun in Cold Weather
Matt
I play hockey and I fornicate, because those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Change in Donna's Mood
Donna
John?
John
You've been smiling a lot lately.
Donna
Excuse me?
[''smiling, still puzzled'']
John
Ever since he came back, Charlie. You been smiling a little more.
Donna
John, that was high school.
[''finally understanding'']
John
This is not a pond!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Town Opinions and Misunderstandings
Bailey
You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh?
[''questioning a witness in court'']
Mr. Walsh
I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt.
Bailey
Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Moment of Self-Acceptance
Bailey
Forgive me, your honor. I'm fat.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration in a Small Town Encounter
John
You okay?
Mr. Walsh
No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Sounds in Conversation
Sarah
Mother walrus going "Thwap, thwap, thwap"?
Matt
What?
Sarah
You want to hear a "Thwap"?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.