National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) - Quotes

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain’t Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shitting bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shitting rocks.

Eddie: [describing the metal plate in his head] I had to have it replaced cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. So, they put in a plastic one, and it ain't as strong, so...I don't know if I ought to go sailin down no hill with nothin between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Eddie: [gesturing over the left side of his head; bangs his right side] Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and over here is... Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

Clark: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Clark: I just...can't believe you're standing in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.

Eddie: [Eddie notices the candle spinner has stopped working and gives it a hard tap, knocking all the fan blades off] Yeah, I'm excited bout it, too. It's a cryin shame the older kids couldn't make it.

Clark: I'll get that, don't worry about it.

Eddie: [finishes his glass of egg nog and goes to the walnuts as Clark tries to fix the spinner] Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, gettin cured off the Wild Turkey. And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparin for his career.

Clark: College?

Eddie: Carnival.

Clark: You ought to be proud.

Eddie: [Clark drops spinner blades] Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-a-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, he'll be guessin people's weight or barkin for the Yak Woman. You ever see her?

Clark: No.

Eddie: Yeah, she's got these big horns growin out right above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal, and a helluva good cook.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Eddie: [about Snot, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.

Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Art: The little lights aren't twinkling.

Clark: I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty: Sure, Dad.

Clark: Hmm...Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty: [checks his watch; walks back into the house] Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

Art: [sarcastically] Beautiful, Clark.

Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.

Art: So do washing machines.

Todd: Well, obviously something had to break the window, something had to hit the stereo!

Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don't KNOW, Margo.

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Audrey: I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him.

Clark: Tis the season to be merry.

Mary: That's my name.

Clark: No shit.

Mary: Can I show you something?

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.

Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend?

Clark: [mops his forehead with a pair of panties; realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back] Uh...huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh, hee-hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary: You have your coat on.

Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?

Mary: Because it's cold out?

Clark: [laughs] Yes, yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark: When have I ever done that?

Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Todd Chester: [mockingly] Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: [lifts up the mask] Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd Chester: [angrily] You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.

Clark: [looking at Todd's wife, Margo, who is insulted] I wasn't talking to you.

Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.

Audrey Griswold: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Ellen Griswold: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Ellen Griswold: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

Art: Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Mr. Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

Clark W. Griswold, Sr.: [extreme close-up] SQUIRREL!!!

Cousin Eddie: [after finding out that Clark has received a "Jelly of the Month" club membership in place of a bonus] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Cousin Eddie: Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

Cousin Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin down no hill with nothin between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

Cousin Eddie: [about Snot] He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a "Mississippi leg hound" in im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let im finish.

Cousin Eddie: That right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.

Clark W. Griswold: [kicks something] Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-… sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?

Clark W. Griswold: [sliding through a forest on his saucer sled, barely avoiding trees] This is great! It's great! I'm dead!

Clark W. Griswold: [pushes off; goes sledding downhill at ridiculously high speed] Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr.! Remember, don't try this at home, kids; I am a professional. Later, dudes. Let er rip. Hang 10! OH, SHIIIIIIIIIT!!

Clark W. Griswold: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Clark W. Griswold: [handing Christmas lights to Russ; pulls out a huge tangle of lights; hands it to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that.

Clark W. Griswold: [spits then give an "okay" sign] LOTTA SAP in here. Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!

Clark W. Griswold: [the newel post is wobbly, so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

Clark W. Griswold: [as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Clark W. Griswold: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the...season.