32 quotes
Clark's Successful Newel Post Repair
Clark W. Griswold
Fixed the newel post.
[the newel post is wobbly, so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cousin Eddie's Warning About the Dog
Cousin Eddie
He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a "Mississippi leg hound" in im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let im finish.
[about Snot]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparation for the Holiday Season
Clark W. Griswold
Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the...season.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cousin Eddie's RV Acquisition Statement
Cousin Eddie
That right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Holiday Tree Enthusiasm
Clark W. Griswold
LOTTA SAP in here. Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!
[spits then give an "okay" sign]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Innocence and Holiday Anxiety
Ruby Sue
Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
Clark
Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue
Shitting bricks.
Clark
You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue
Sorry. Shitting rocks.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frozen Experience During Holiday Preparations
Ellen
Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark
That's all part of the experience, honey.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unrealistic Family Expectations Discussed
Ellen
You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark
When have I ever done that?
Ellen
Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Belly Scratching and Chapped Hands
Eddie
If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.
[about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Clark
I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Holiday Shopping Confusion
Mary
Can I show you something?
Clark
Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.
Mary
For your wife? For your girlfriend?
Clark
Uh...huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh, hee-hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
[mops his forehead with a pair of panties; realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back]
Mary
You have your coat on.
Clark
Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
Mary
Because it's cold out?
Clark
Yes, yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.
[laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Santa's Identity During Christmas
Ruby Sue
Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain’t Santa Claus?
Clark
I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
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Father and son discuss holiday preparations
Clark
Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty
Sure, Dad.
Clark
Hmm...Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...
[checks his watch; walks back into the house]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Checking the Christmas Lights for Knots
Clark W. Griswold
Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that.
[handing Christmas lights to Russ; pulls out a huge tangle of lights; hands it to Russ]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Guests and Surprising Reactions
Eddie
You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark
Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity Sparks a Question
Ellen
What are you looking at?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Tensions and Uncomfortable Truths
Audrey
Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen
Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
Audrey
I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Family Reunion During the Holidays
Clark
I just...can't believe you're standing in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie
Yeah, I'm excited bout it, too. It's a cryin shame the older kids couldn't make it.
[Eddie notices the candle spinner has stopped working and gives it a hard tap, knocking all the fan blades off]
Clark
I'll get that, don't worry about it.
Eddie
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, gettin cured off the Wild Turkey. And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparin for his career.
[finishes his glass of egg nog and goes to the walnuts as Clark tries to fix the spinner]
Clark
College?
Eddie
Carnival.
Clark
You ought to be proud.
Eddie
Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-a-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, he'll be guessin people's weight or barkin for the Yak Woman. You ever see her?
[Clark drops spinner blades]
Clark
No.
Eddie
Yeah, she's got these big horns growin out right above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal, and a helluva good cook.
Clark
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
Eddie
Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
Cousin Eddie
Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
[after finding out that Clark has received a "Jelly of the Month" club membership in place of a bonus]
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Holiday Greetings with a Twist
Clark W. Griswold
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
[as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cousin Eddie's Inquiry About the Chair
Cousin Eddie
Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?
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Concerns About Replacement and Personal Appearance
Eddie
I had to have it replaced cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. So, they put in a plastic one, and it ain't as strong, so...I don't know if I ought to go sailin down no hill with nothin between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
[describing the metal plate in his head]
Clark
Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Eddie
Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and over here is... Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
[gesturing over the left side of his head; bangs his right side]
Clark
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Exchange on the Holiday Spirit
Clark
Tis the season to be merry.
Mary
That's my name.
Clark
No shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Last-Minute Gift Ideas for Clark Griswold
Clark W. Griswold
Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-… sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?
[kicks something]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clark's Overwhelming Excitement and Disappointment
Clark W. Griswold
This is great! It's great! I'm dead!
[sliding through a forest on his saucer sled, barely avoiding trees]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Margo and Todd's Holiday Argument
Todd
Well, obviously something had to break the window, something had to hit the stereo!
Margo
And why is the carpet all wet, TODD?
Todd
I don't KNOW, Margo.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Holiday Tree Conversation
Todd Chester
Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
[mockingly]
Clark
Bend over and I'll show you.
[lifts up the mask]
Todd Chester
You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
[angrily]
Clark
I wasn't talking to you.
[looking at Todd's wife, Margo, who is insulted]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acknowledging the Lack of Twinkling Lights
Art
The little lights aren't twinkling.
Clark
I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Debate on Holiday Spending
Art
Beautiful, Clark.
[sarcastically]
Frances
Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey
He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art
So do washing machines.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sailing Down the Hill with Government Plastic
Cousin Eddie
I don't know if I oughta go sailin down no hill with nothin between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Tensions During Christmas Gathering
Audrey Griswold
Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
Ellen Griswold
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
Ellen Griswold
Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
Art
Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.
Mr. Shirley
Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.
[picks up the phone receiver]
Clark W. Griswold, Sr.
SQUIRREL!!!
[extreme close-up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Amateur Sledding Adventure: A Cautionary Tale
Clark W. Griswold
Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr.! Remember, don't try this at home, kids; I am a professional. Later, dudes. Let er rip. Hang 10! OH, SHIIIIIIIIIT!!
[pushes off; goes sledding downhill at ridiculously high speed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dedication to Family Christmas Spirit
Clark W. Griswold
I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.