National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 (1993) - Quotes

A humorous take on law enforcement challenges

Main cast: [[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz] ] - Becker

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sgt. Wes Luger's Humorous Observation

Main cast: [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson] ] - Sgt. Wes Luger

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sgt. Jack Colt's Insightful Observation

Main cast: [[w:Emilio Estevez|Emilio Estevez] ] - Sgt. Jack Colt

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Video Revelation

Taglines: Oh my God! They're on video!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Aspiring for Academy Award Nominations

Taglines: We'd like to have been nominated for 9 ACADEMY AWARDS

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anticipate the Sequel Before Watching

Taglines: See it before they make the sequel.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Surprise at Armed Presence

Taglines: Oh my god! They have guns!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Avoiding Consequences for Future Installments

Taglines: Don't Shoot, You'll Spoil The Sequel!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Manipulation and Betrayal in Relationships

Miss Destiny Demeanor: This has gone far enough! First you use my affection, then you use me to sell drugs, through the Wilderness Girls! What kind of a man are you?

Gen. Morters: A user.

Miss Destiny Demeanor: I knew that. I knew that when you made me parade around in that leather demicup underwire bra, with matching panties and garter belt.

Gen. Morters: Is that the bra with the metal studs?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: That's the RED one! I'm talking about the black set, with the gold tread piping!

Gen. Morters: ... always loved that one.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Desires of a Relatable Woman

Miss Destiny Demeanor: I'm just a gal like any other gal. I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Strained Relationships and Personal Challenges

Det. Irv Lansing: My wife and I haven't had sex in over two years. I have a six month old daughter.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Weapon Confusion Among Characters

Sgt. Wes Luger: What's going on in here?

Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!

Wes Luger: I don't have one...

Mr. Jigsaw: [confused] You are not carrying a weapon?

Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.

Mr. Jigsaw: Pick up the gun.

Mr. Jigsaw: Drop the gun Mr. Luger!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Plea for Mercy in Tension

Mr. Jigsaw: [holding a gun on York] In a little while, Miss York, you will be begging for mercy.

Sgt. Billy York: No, no, I'll beg now.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Identifying McCracken in the conversation

Sgt. Billy York: [after being questioned about the microfilm] McCracken!

Mr. Jigsaw: Thank you, Ms York!

Mr. Jigsaw: [turns back, confused] Is that Dan McCracken, or Mike McCracken?

Sgt. Billy York: Mike...

Mr. Jigsaw: [turns back again] Is he on Alpine or Oak?

Sgt. Billy York: [thinking] Alpine.

Sgt. Billy York: Psst... Park on Third - you'll never find a spot on Alpine.

Mr. Jigsaw: [smiling] Thank you! You have been most co-operative!

Sgt. Billy York: [in pain] Don't mention it.

Mr. Jigsaw: [to the blind guy sitting by the door] Remember - you saw nothing!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Confusion Over Location in Helicopter Scene

John McClane: [angrily] What the hell are ya doing?

Man in helicopter: Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway?

John McClane: Huh?

Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway?

John McClane: No! No this is 814 Pacific coast Highway! 1014 is two blocks up that way!

Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!

John McClane: (sarcastically) Yeah? No problem! No problem!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Curious Inquiry About Taste

Sgt. Jack Colt: I just gotta ask... what *does* human flesh taste like?

Dr. Harrold Leacher: Chicken.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clarifying the Concept of Nothing

Becker: What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'.

Sgt. Wes Luger: Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing.

Becker: Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy?

Sgt. Wes Luger: That's better.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Consequences of Hasty Decisions

Gen. Morters: Where's the microfilm, Mike?

Mike McCracken: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men.

Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure.

Mike McCracken: But he who hesitates is lost.

Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover.

Mike McCracken: What you see is what you get.

Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships.

Mike McCracken: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend.

Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Nightmares and Unexpected Revelations

Sgt. Jack Colt: Who the hell are you?

Mr. Jigsaw: I'm your worst nightmare.

Jack Colt: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.

Mr. Jigsaw: Okay, alright, so I'm not your worst nightmare. But I am right up there.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Determined Detectives Face Danger Together

Sgt. Jack Colt: Good thing we took valet.

Sgt. Wes Luger: Taxi!

Sgt. Jack Colt: I guess we're making somebody nervous. But I'll tell you this: It's gonna take a lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off of this case.

Sgt. Wes Luger: Not a helluva lot more.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Arrival by Taxi

Sgt. Jack Colt: So what are you doing here?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you.

Sgt. Jack Colt: I mean, what brought you here?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi.

Sgt. Jack Colt: Yeah, but why?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop.

Sgt. Jack Colt: [Holds up a sign board] I mean... Why the hell did you come here?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous.

Colt: You better go.

Pretentiousness Explained in Simple Terms

Dr. Harrold Leacher: Quid pro quo Mr Colt.

Sgt. Jack Colt: What does that mean?

Dr. Harrold Leacher: It means I'm pretentious.

A Playful Exchange About Sleeping Habits

Becker: Do you sleep in the nude?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Only when I'm naked

Investigation of a Felony Begins

Wes Luger: We're investigating a felony, Miss Demeanor.

Suspicions About Wilderness Girls Cookies

Sgt. Wes Luger: I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something.

Captain Doyle: On something is more likely. You know all those Wilderness Girls cookies were laced with cocaine.

Sgt. Wes Luger: No wonder I couldn't eat just one.

Uncovering Connections to General Morters

Sgt. Wes Luger: There's something between you and this General Morters.

Colt: He was my C.O. in NAM. CIA listed him as M.I.A. but the V.A. ID'd him and so we put out an APB.

Wes Luger: Oh, I see.

Payment Structure in Negotiations

Gen. Morters: Half the payment now. Half tomorrow. Half on delivery.

Size Matters in Unexpected Conversations

Valet: [After being handed a large denomination bill] You got anything smaller?

Sgt. Wes Luger: Keep it.

Valet: Anything larger?

Sgt. Wes Luger: [Menacingly] Yeah.

Consequences of Failure in Law Enforcement

Captain Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?

Sgt. Wes Luger: Everything except for the dancing with figs thing!

Questioning Names in a Serious Moment

Sgt. Jack Colt: Give me a name!

Beckard: Weren't your parents supposed to do that?

Shared Experiences and Long-lasting Partnerships

Sgt. Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.

Sgt. Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.