National Lampoon's Van Wilder (2002) - Quotes

Concern About Van's Academic Status

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Culmination of Desire and Connection

Taj: This is the culmination of my being.

Naomi: Baby, I'm about to culminate, now get over here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Lesson in Unconventional Advice

Van: Now, repeat after me. No cock pump...

Taj: No cock pump.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Compliments and Connections in Conversation

Van: Blue. It brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes; not unlike yourself. Anyone ever tell you that?

Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Dangers of Apathy

Other Characters: Prof. McDoogle: Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Humor in Unusual Situations

Other Characters: Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Memorable Ten Seconds in Life

Other Characters: Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Father's Unconventional Revelation About His Son

Other Characters: Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Character's Firm Response to Nickname Usage

Other Characters: Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Frustrated Outburst of Insults

Taj Mahal Badalandabad: You...you...you....you pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Identification of the White Barry

Taj Mahal Badalandabad: This is the White Barry.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Cultural Exploration and Humorous Ambitions

Taj Mahal Badalandabad: [Van Wilder spits out his water] Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Follow Your Heart's Path

Van Wilder: Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Perspective on Life and Death Situations

Van Wilder: I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Questioning Authority in Hell's Management

Van Wilder: Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Humorous Take on Drinking and Midgets

Van Wilder: Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Life's Too Short to Take Seriously

Van Wilder: Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Note Taking Advice from Van Wilder

Van Wilder: Write that down.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Naked Mile Run and Unexpected Attire

Van Wilder: Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Introduction of Sherri and Terri's Preferences

Van Wilder: [[w:medulla oblongata|medulla oblongata's] I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... ].

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Friendship and Secrets in College Life

Van Wilder: [under breath] Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! Not that you had to.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Playful wordplay on a character's name

Van Wilder: Her name is Naomi. That's I MOAN backwards.

Embracing Identity in College Life

Van Wilder: You must be Pre-Med Dick.

Perceived Value in Relationships and Narratives

Van Wilder: All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story.

Advice on safe practices in relationships

Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

Stay in school, don't be a fool.

Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, stay in school.

Censorship and Confidence in Society

Van Wilder: Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.