Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) - Quotes

A Humorous Take on a Bank Heist

Radio report: ...two crooks who have just held up the bank for one hundred and fifty thousand...that is all.

Fields: That is all? A hundred and fifty thousand. That's all. It ain't hay, is it?

Radio report: ...One crook - slight build, evidently a jockey, has a horse scar behind his left ear...other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear, apple-red cheeks, mutton-chop whiskers.

Fields: Sounds like a full-course dinner to me! What? No apple pie?

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A Conversation About Ambitions and Choices

Gloria Jean: But how can you look out for me when I'm here and you're way down there?

Fields: You want to go to school, don't you?...You want to grow up and be dumb like ZaSu Pitts?

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Perspective on Fear in Crisis Situations

Gloria Jean: We're falling two thousand feet!

Fields: All right, dear. Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous.

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A Woman with a Substantial Fortune

Peter Carson: [about Mrs. Hemoglobin] She has a bank roll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.

Fields: She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me.

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Skepticism Towards Men's Deceitful Nature

Mrs. Hemoglobin: Men. Men. They're all alike. They'll deceive you as your father did me. He kissed a chorus girl and when I found out he said, Oh, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing.

Ouliotta: Do you think he drinks?

Mrs. Hemoglobin: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.

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Questioning Masculinity and Identity

Ouliotta: Are you really a man?

Fields: Well, I've been called other things.

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A Reflection on Love and Regret

Gloria Jean: Why didn't you ever marry?

Fields: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

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Martini Misadventures on a Flight

Flight Attendant: Are you air sick?

Fields: Somebody put too many olives in my martinis last night.

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Philosophical Reflection on Whiskey and Mortality

Receptionist: [talking on the phone] You big hotty-dottie. You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night. Someday, you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Fields: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death where is thy sting?

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Misunderstandings in Casual Conversation

Waitress: And another thing, don't be so free with your hands.

Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

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A Humorous Exchange Between Waitress and Fields

Waitress: And another thing. You're always squawking about something. If it isn't the steak, it's something else.

Fields: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.

Fields: You used to be an old Follies girl?

Waitress: [pause] You know, there's something awfully big about you. Your nose.

Fields: [Looking at her rear end] There's something awfully big about you too.

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Menu Confusion at the Diner

Fields: Is there any goulash on this menu?

Waitress: [wiping a spot off the menu] It's roast beef gravy.

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Understanding a Kitten Stocking Joke

Kid: What's a kitten stocking?

Fields: A sock on the puss!

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Beauty and Family Ties in Conversation

Peter Carson: If that girl is as beautiful as you say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.

Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin: [after kissing Peter Carson] You must be a professional.

Gloria Jean: My Uncle Bill...But I still love him.

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Skepticism Towards Unexpected Talent

Mr. Pangborn: Marvelous. Wonderful. Amazing. The girl has been living on a mountaintop since she was three months old and for no reason at all, suddenly blossoms out with Jump and Jive. Do you actually think I'm a dope? Now don't you answer that.

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Critique of Script Quality and Continuity

Mr. Pangborn: This script is an insult to a man's intelligence - even mine...It's impossible, inconceivable, incomprehensible, and besides that, it's no good. And as for the continuity, it's terrible.

Reflecting on Fortunate Circumstances in Travel

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: Lucky we didn't have an accident...We'd never have made it.

The Futility of Arguing with Women

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: There's no sense arguing with a woman.

Unpleasant Sensation Described Humorously

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

Desire for Comfort and Luxury

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: [to Gloria Jean] Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?

Realizing a Missed Opportunity with Humor

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: [after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!

Advice on the Importance of Sleep

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: [offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me.

Traveling Alone or in a Group?

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: [about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

Frustration with Unwelcome Guests

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything.

Cold Shower with No Extra Charge

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: [after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope.

Unexpected Chaos in a Familiar Greeting

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill: [to a pretty girl; the girl's boyfriend punches him] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? All five of em hit me at once.