13 quotes
Confidence in Blart's Abilities
Paul Blart
Always bet on Blart.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Contest of Insanity
Paul
I told you I was crazy.
Vincent
And I told you...that I'm crazy.
Paul
Whoa. Y-You can't out-crazy me. My crazy will take your crazy, shove it in a metal tube, fill it with ], then blowtorch it until the rats have no way to escape except eating their way through your crazy.
[[Ratatouille|rats]
Vincent
Wow. You are oblivious to the avalanche of insanity I am about to unload. You don't know what I will do to you!
Paul
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL DO TO YOU! I WILL SPIN AROUND UNTIL I THROW UP ON YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS! I SIMPLY DON'T CARE!
Vincent
I STICK YOUR FACE IN MAPLE SYRUP AND MAKE YOU SING GOSPEL! HOW DOES THAT BLOW YOUR HAIR BACK, BLART?!
Paul
]
[[Despicable Me (film)|I WILL CRAWL INSIDE YOU AND LAY EGGS LIKE A BABY SPIDER!]
Vincent
I WELCOME IT! I'VE GOT 2 DIFFERENT COLORED EYES! SHOWS YOU HOW I LIVE MY LIFE!
Paul
I WILL BRING A FOLK GUITAR TO A PUMPKIN FIGHT BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP!
Vincent
Okay, you lost me on that last one.
[pause]
Paul
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW CRAZY I AM! NOW GIMME BACK MY DAUGHTER!
Vincent
GIVE ME MY PAINTING!
Paul
AAAAAHH!!!
[throws the painting on the floor but it didn't slide due to the carpet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encouragement to Help Others
Paul Blart
Help someone today!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uniform Complaints and Acknowledgments Among Friends
Henk
Excuse me, guys, uh, but we have a complaint about the noise.
[walks in]
Robinson
That's why we have you.
[walks up to Henk]
Vincent
Gotta say, Henk, nice uniform.
Henk
Right? Look at that! Ha-ha, smiley! You don't wanna know what it took to get the real deal.
Vincent
No, I don't
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call for Action in the Mall
Margaret
Oh, there's my paper.
[final words; gets run over by a milk truck]
Vincent
Unacceptable. Kill him.
[referring to Paul Blart]
Divina
Your uniform as requested, Officer Blart.
Saul
Paul...can you step up to the plate and save us?
Khan
I came straight from a haircut.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defiance Against Death
Paul Blart
Not today, death! Not today!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern Over Negligence and Safety
Maya
Hey, Dad. I ordered your favorite.
Paul
Oh, really? Well, you know what, I've lost my appetite. What has gotten into you? ] You said you were taking a nap.
[[Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2|You lied to me.]
Maya
Well, I was going to, but...
Paul
Mm, you never called me once. You leave the bath filled which could've caused water damage, candles lit which could've burnt down {{w|Las Vegas, Nevada}}.
[interrupts Maya]
Maya
I'm sorry. It's just Lane invited me to go out to the pool...
Paul
Lane? Lane? That's what this betrayal's about? Chicken Chow LANE?!
[interrupts again]
Maya
Dad, people are looking.
[smiles nervously]
Paul
What happened to her, Maya? What happened to the pristine girl who could never tell a lie? What happened to my little ]?
[calms down; [Mr. Peabody & Sherman|George Washington]
Maya
George Washington"?
Paul
He could never tell a lie. He was full truth in a powdered wig.
Maya
I think you're overreacting.
Paul
Really? And when were you gonna tell me about that?
[pulls out UCLA application]
Maya
Where did you find this?
[pause, takes the application]
Paul
Please, Maya. I'm a highly-trained security specialist. You can't expect to keep secrets from me.
Maya
I didn't think I'd get in.
[pause]
Paul
I didn't even know you applied there. What happened to Central Jersey Applied Technical Junior College?
[sighs in disappointment]
Maya
We're talking about {{w|UCLA}} here!
[excited]
Paul
Yeah, I thought we were talking about CJATJC.
Maya
Dad, you don't understand. I have a chance to go to {{w|California}}!
Paul
Maya, California... It's-It's too far away.
Maya
Well, think about it this way: you can come visit me in the wintertime when really cold in Jersey.
[pause]
Paul
Of course I can if I want some smog in my earthquake flakes!
Maya
You know what, I've decided: I'm going.
[pause]
Paul
Wait, you've...decided? You've just decided? Well, you know what, decision overruled. Judge Blart, ]!
[[Bee Movie|now in session; slams a plate of bread]
Maya
I know you've lost a lot lately and you're scared. But what you're doing right now is so wrong. I'm going to UCLA.
[voice breaking; Paul shakes his head; she walks out in frustration]
Paul
Maya? Maya, you get back... Maya...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing a Critical Decision Point
Paul Blart
It looks like we've come to a fork in the road.
[shoots the vibrating fork like a bow-and-arrow]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Exclamation of Surprise
Maya Blart
Holy crawfish!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Duty of a Mall Cop
Paul Blart
We are trained to detect, deter, observe, and report. But one day, ], a man did more than that. And I AM THAT MAN!
[[Paul Blart: Mall Cop|6 years ago]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Decision About the Future
Maya Blart
If we live, I'm not going to UCLA.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encouraging a Father to Enjoy Vacation
Maya Blart
Come on, Dad. It's a vacation. Try to enjoy it.
[from trailer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing life without alcohol
Paul Blart
I don't drink. But I do ride!
[slaps horse's butt, then horse kicks him into a car]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.