Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009) - Quotes

Veck: [to Amy] What do you say?

Amy: Go to Hell.

Veck: Ouch.

Leon: [runs in a room with Amy and Stuart] Hey, y'all. There's some crazy ass people trying to take over the mall.

Stuart: I'm outta here.

Maya: [reading ad] Okay, next question: "Tell us about yourself.

Paul: Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.

Margaret: [types something in] Let me stop you right there. "Well-built, and a great hugger.

Paul: [after drinking Margarita, thinking it is lemonade] That lemonade is insane.

Vijay: Yeah, Paul. That's because it's a Margarita.

Paul: No. I-I-I don't drink.

Fat lady: I found it first.

Thin lady: No, you didn't.

Paul: Ladies. Problem. What's the genesis?

Thin lady: She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.

Victoria's Secret cashier: There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.

Fat lady: [to the cashier] Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.

Thin lady: [sarcastically] Really? Is he blind?

Paul: [startled] Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks. Not my first rodeo. Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.

Fat lady: No, you don't.

Paul: [looks at Veck, then pulls his gun illusion] Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.

Fat lady: So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.

Victoria's Secret cashier: That's true, she could.

Paul: [to the fat lady; steps aside. The two ladies exchange looks. Paul signals for the fat lady to come to him. The fat lady obeys and approaches him] Hey, not talking to you. Okay? Can I... uh... see you for a second, please, ma'am? Look, I understand your sensitivity. I've had some issues with weight myself.

Fat lady: [folds her arms] Are you calling me fat?

Paul: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying I've been down that road. I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? But as soon as I started eating healthier, I noticed I wasn't so moody. And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.

Fat lady: [pulls off her earrings and offers them to Paul] Can you hold onto these?

Paul: [his hand out] Sure.

Paul: [pushes the lady off of him. She bumps into the cashier counter. He yells at Veck, who only watches on with concern; the fat lady lunges at Paul and punches him in the chest, knocking him to the ground] She's got tremendous upper body strength. BACKUP! BACKUP! She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck. BACKUP! BACKUP!! BACKUP!!!

Veck: Hey, Blart? I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're going to give up.

Paul: [snarls] How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "ne" and "ver". Yeah. You heard me. NEVER!

Maya: [happily] All right, Dad.

Howard: Yeah, you and what army?

Brooks: What's wrong with that?

Howard: He has an army!

Kent: [sees Veck handcuffed; pulls out gun] Blart! Oh, very impressive; Taking down an assailant without a gun. I hope you don't mind if I use one.

Paul Blart: [Veck chuckles] What? Oh, no.

Kent: Oh, yeah.

Paul: I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands, then, huh?

Kent: Soon as I get my money.

Paul: [shows cell phone] Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.

Maya: Just give it to him, Dad.

Paul: [to Maya; to Veck; smashes cell phone] Oh, I will. SUCK ON THAT!!!

Kent: [talking to police radio] Okay. Situation update.

Police Radio: We have seven assailants in custody, sir.

Kent: [to police radio] Great. Nobody talks to em, but me.

Police Radio: Yes, sir.

Kent: [to Paul Blart; gun gets shot of his hand; He and Howard look in shock at Chief Brooks who shot him with Howard's gun. Howard retrieves his gun and cuffs Kent] You see, jackass, I don't need the phone. Cause I got all the access codes written on their arms. Now, if I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses. And since everybody thinks this was a bank rob-- OW!

Howard: I got a newsflash for ya. Your flight's been cancelled.

Brooks: [looking at his notebook of comebacks] That's better than anything I got.

Drill Instructor: Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.

Pahud: Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?

Veck: Y'know, my mother always said: "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.

Veck: [sees Paul hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts] I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how much much candy fell out.

Paul: [to a villain; sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out] Hey you, Scuba-dooby-doo!

Paul: [headbutts criminal, groans] Nobody wins with a headbutt.

Paul: [after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] It's the {{w|Loch Ness Monster}}. I don't drink.

Paul: [from trailer] Safety never takes a holiday.

Paul: [from trailer] Nobody knows this mall better than I do.

Paul: [talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing.