18 quotes
Emphasizing Year-Round Safety Awareness
Paul
Safety never takes a holiday.
[from trailer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dispute Over Last Push-Up Bra
Fat lady
I found it first.
Thin lady
No, you didn't.
Paul
Ladies. Problem. What's the genesis?
Thin lady
She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.
Victoria's Secret cashier
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
Fat lady
Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
[to the cashier]
Thin lady
Really? Is he blind?
[sarcastically]
Paul
Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks. Not my first rodeo. Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
[startled]
Fat lady
No, you don't.
Paul
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.
[looks at Veck, then pulls his gun illusion]
Fat lady
So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.
Victoria's Secret cashier
That's true, she could.
Paul
Hey, not talking to you. Okay? Can I... uh... see you for a second, please, ma'am? Look, I understand your sensitivity. I've had some issues with weight myself.
[to the fat lady; steps aside. The two ladies exchange looks. Paul signals for the fat lady to come to him. The fat lady obeys and approaches him]
Fat lady
Are you calling me fat?
[folds her arms]
Paul
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying I've been down that road. I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? But as soon as I started eating healthier, I noticed I wasn't so moody. And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
Fat lady
Can you hold onto these?
[pulls off her earrings and offers them to Paul]
Paul
Sure.
[his hand out]
Paul
She's got tremendous upper body strength. BACKUP! BACKUP! She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck. BACKUP! BACKUP!! BACKUP!!!
[pushes the lady off of him. She bumps into the cashier counter. He yells at Veck, who only watches on with concern; the fat lady lunges at Paul and punches him in the chest, knocking him to the ground]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Consequences of Aggression in Conflict
Paul
Nobody wins with a headbutt.
[headbutts criminal, groans]
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Determination in the Face of Opposition
Veck
Hey, Blart? I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're going to give up.
Paul
How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "ne" and "ver". Yeah. You heard me. NEVER!
[snarls]
Maya
All right, Dad.
[happily]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Sharp Retort in a Tense Exchange
Veck
What do you say?
[to Amy]
Amy
Go to Hell.
Veck
Ouch.
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Introduction of Characters and Interests
Maya
Okay, next question: "Tell us about yourself.
[reading ad]
Paul
Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.
Margaret
Let me stop you right there. "Well-built, and a great hugger.
[types something in]
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Playful Greeting from Paul Blart
Paul
Hey you, Scuba-dooby-doo!
[to a villain; sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]
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Questioning Strength in Numbers
Howard
Yeah, you and what army?
Brooks
What's wrong with that?
Howard
He has an army!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflection on Lack of Training
Paul
What are you trained to do? Nothing.
[talking to himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for a Bat and Candy Imagery
Veck
I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how much much candy fell out.
[sees Paul hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Paraphrased Advice on Getting Things Done
Veck
Y'know, my mother always said: "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expertise in Mall Knowledge
Paul
Nobody knows this mall better than I do.
[from trailer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lighthearted Greeting from Pahud
Pahud
Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?
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Conflict Over Weapons and Vacation Plans
Kent
Blart! Oh, very impressive; Taking down an assailant without a gun. I hope you don't mind if I use one.
[sees Veck handcuffed; pulls out gun]
Paul Blart
What? Oh, no.
[Veck chuckles]
Kent
Oh, yeah.
Paul
I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands, then, huh?
Kent
Soon as I get my money.
Paul
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
[shows cell phone]
Maya
Just give it to him, Dad.
Paul
Oh, I will. SUCK ON THAT!!!
[to Maya; to Veck; smashes cell phone]
Kent
Okay. Situation update.
[talking to police radio]
Police Radio
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
Kent
Great. Nobody talks to em, but me.
[to police radio]
Police Radio
Yes, sir.
Kent
You see, jackass, I don't need the phone. Cause I got all the access codes written on their arms. Now, if I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses. And since everybody thinks this was a bank rob-- OW!
[to Paul Blart; gun gets shot of his hand; He and Howard look in shock at Chief Brooks who shot him with Howard's gun. Howard retrieves his gun and cuffs Kent]
Howard
I got a newsflash for ya. Your flight's been cancelled.
Brooks
That's better than anything I got.
[looking at his notebook of comebacks]
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Misunderstanding a Beverage's True Nature
Paul
That lemonade is insane.
[after drinking Margarita, thinking it is lemonade]
Vijay
Yeah, Paul. That's because it's a Margarita.
Paul
No. I-I-I don't drink.
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Mall Under Threat from Intruders
Leon
Hey, y'all. There's some crazy ass people trying to take over the mall.
[runs in a room with Amy and Stuart]
Stuart
I'm outta here.
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Skepticism About the Loch Ness Monster
Paul
It's the {{w|Loch Ness Monster}}. I don't drink.
[after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk]
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Passing the Obstacle Course for Training Admission
Drill Instructor
Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.