Punchline Quotes

Steven Gold If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - cuz funny Steve's going under.

Steven Gold Don't be scared, cuz I'm funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin in the Rain"!

Taglines It only hurts when you LAUGH!

Steven Gold I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know.

Lilah Krytsick Oh okay, so I'm not funny, SHOOT ME!

Stand-Up Comic Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?

Albert Emperato You don't want carpet! You want an area rug!

Lilah Krytsick Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name.

Taglines Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.

John $500! What the hell did you buy for $500?

Lilah Jokes.

Steven Gold We are all God's animated cartoons.