Runaway Bride Quotes

Maggie Carpenter Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen.

Maggie Carpenter Is there one right person for everyone?

Ike Graham No, but I think attraction is mistaken for rightness.

Ike Graham Don't tell me. My doorman's another one of your admirers.

Maggie Carpenter Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts.

Priest Brian Of an impure nature?

Maggie Carpenter No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?

Maggie Carpenter There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.

Ike Graham A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes.

Ike Graham So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?

Maggie Carpenter I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?

Ike Graham I... I've got to think about this a little bit.

Maggie Carpenter Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

Ike Graham You were not!

Maggie Carpenter I was, because if you said "yes" right away, then I wouldn't get to say this next part, and I've been practicing. Ready?

Ike Graham I'm listening.

Maggie Carpenter I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want get out. But I also guarantee... that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me.

Maggie Carpenter I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.

Ike Graham Does it matter?

Maggie Carpenter I think so. When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.

Ike Graham Yes, I did.

Maggie Carpenter I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.

Grandma I like his tight butt.

Maggie Carpenter Grandma!

Grandma Well, I do.

Maggie Carpenter Benedict.

Ike Graham Arnold.

Maggie Carpenter I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.

Ike Graham Should I be writing this down?

Bob Kelly If you were imagining me, you did great. What the hell were YOU doing?

Ike Graham I'm sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.

Maggie Carpenter I kissed him back.

Bob Kelly Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me how long this has been going on?

Maggie Carpenter About a minute...?

Ike Graham A little longer for me.

Maggie Carpenter Really?

Bob Kelly What do you expect me to say to this?

Ike Graham How about - "I hope you'll be very happy together"?

Bob Kelly I hope you'll be very happy together.

Maggie Carpenter You're a cynical, explotive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.

Ike Graham Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

Ellie Graham I wonder where she's going.

Fisher I don't know, but wherever it is she will be there by 10:30 tomorrow.