15 quotes
A Comedic Introduction to New Characters
Sam
Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!
[''introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Barbara's Shocking Kidnapping Realization
Barbara
Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension Between Barbara and Sam Escalates
Barbara
My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will explode!
Sam
Bye-bye, Barbara!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ransom Discussion Between Barbara and Sandy
Barbara
When do I get outta here?
Sandy
Well, as soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom.
Barbara
Well, what's the problem? What is the ransom?
Sandy
It...it was $500,000.
Barbara
That shouldn't be a problem.
Sandy
He complained.
Barbara
He complained?
Sandy
Then we dropped our price to $50,000.
Barbara
Yeah?
Sandy
He didn't pay.
Barbara
He didn't pay? So now what?
Sandy
So now, we're dropping our price again to $10,000.
[''crying'']
Barbara
Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down? What is this, the bargain basement? I've been kidnapped by Kmart!
[''starts crying'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Consequences of Ruthlessness
Taglines
A tale of two kidnappers who wanted to be merciless but turned out to be hopeless.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ransom Demands Lead to Dire Consequences
Ken
If you notify the police, your wife will be killed. If you notify the media, she will be killed. If you deviate from our instructions in any way whatsoever, she will be killed. Do you understand?
[''over the phone'']
Sam
Perfectly
[''with a big grin on his face'']
News reporter
Just minutes ago, Mr. Stone received a phone call from a man demanding a ransom from his wife, Barbara.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desperation and Confrontation in Ruthless People
Ken
Mr. Stone, this is no joke. We're desperate people.
[''over the phone'']
Sam
I believe this is a joke pal and you're it. The last time we spoke you said my wife would be in the morgue if I didn't pay. Well, I didn't pay and I was at the morgue and she wasn't there. You lied to me. You know what I think?
Ken
No.
Sam
You got no nuts. What do I have to do? Put a gun in your hand, aim, and pull your finger down you spineless wimp. I dare you to kill her.
Sam
Now that oughta do it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Indifference to a wife's kidnapping
Taglines
Sam Stone's wife has just been kidnapped... And he doesn't want her back!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation with Law Enforcement Unfolds
Bender
GIVE THE BAG TO BOZO, DROP THE GUN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.
Earl
Who said that?
Walter
This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him.
Bender
IT'S THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
Earl
Really?
Bender
NO! WE'RE THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Over Phone Numbers
Sam
Hang on, will ya, Harry, I have some friends here.
Sam
Why don't you call me on my office line?, -7582777777. Right?
Sam
Business associate...
Harry
77777-75827777777, 77582777777.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Family Resemblance
Barbara
So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Calls and Humorous Confessions
Sam
Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here. Who is this? Well Ralph, Debbie can't talk right now. My dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done? I love wrong numbers.
[''answering the phone''; ''hangs up'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Money and Strong Resentment
Sam
I want the rest of that money. His money, her money, it's my money. I've had to live with that squealing, corpulent, little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman! I-I... I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Endless Cycle of Suffering and Survival
Sam
They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then... he stabilized. That son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER...!
[''complaining about his wife's wealthy father'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Panic Amidst Drowning Concerns at the Beach
Bystander no. 1
Somebody help! He'll drown!
Bystander no. 2
The water's way too cold
Bystander no. 3
There's riptides.
Bystander no. 4
I've seen sharks.
Bystander no. 5
Look! There's money!
Sam
My money! You can't do that! That's not your money! That's my money! Stop em!
[''arriving at the scene''; ''pushes the nearest cop into the water'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.