27 quotes
Official Business vs. Family Obligations
Buffy
Doofy! Mom said get home now.
Doofy
Tell Mom I'm on official police business.
Buffy
Cindy, you okay?
Doofy
Hey, hey, hey! No talking to the witness!
Buffy
Go get in the car, Doofy, she's coming with us.
Doofy
Does Mom know?
Buffy
Yeah, Doofus!
Doofy
Mom says when I wear this badge your supposed to treat me like a man of the law.
Buffy
Yeah, well, Mom also said for you to stop sticking your Dickerson in the vacuum cleaner!?
All The Police Officers
Yeah! Ha ha! (laughing at Doofy and clapping)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Size on Self-Perception
Greg
A small dick's like a disability, man! How would you like to make fun of a guy in a wheelchair?! Huh? Would you?, Come on out you sick fuck. I'll kick the shit outta you, all right?! It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Motives in Horror Movies
Cindy
Why are you doing this, Bobby?
Bobby
Why?! WHY?! You hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive. Did "Scream" have a plot?
Ray
No.
Bobby
Did "I Know What You Did Last Summer" make any sense? Don't think so! What the hell's with the sequel, huh? What the hell's with that fat, white Jamaican guy?
Ray
Ah, I want to kill that motherfucker, man.
Cindy
It's just bad casting, Bobby...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gail Hailstorm Introduces a Shocking Crime Report
Gail Hailstorm
Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book "You're Dead, I'm Rich". A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened. A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead... that's it! ... two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred.
[reporting live while a student is in the background fooling around; pulls out a gun and shoots the student]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold and Unconventional Statement
Taglines
Merciless. Shameless. Unique.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Follow the Rules or Face Consequences
Taglines
Obey The Rules... Or Die Laughing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussing the Aftermath of a Crime
Cindy
Wait, shouldn't we check his wallet?
Buffy
For what?
Brenda
Shit, he might have some money. We already committed murder, we might as well rob his ass!
Bobby
Good idea, I'll take credit cards!
Brenda
I want the jewelry!
Ray
I'm-a take his drawers!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Revelation of a Gruesome Crime
Cindy
He murdered all my friends!
Cindy's Dad
Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Free Speech
Heather
That's what's so important about the First Amendment. It gives us the right to say what we want without fear of retaliation.
Teacher
Oh, shut the fuck up!
Drew
*SILENCE!*
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Accidental Touch Leads to Awkward Confession
Gail
All right, who copped a feel?
Kenny
Gail, it was me.
Gail
Oh my God.
Kenny
It was an accident Gail! I only touched the-the top of the breast. It was so tender and juicy-
Gail
SHUT UP!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gail Hailstorm's Demanding Camera Instructions
Gail Hailstorm
Okay, chopzilla, listen up, This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home... And if this little piggy doesn't roll the goddamn camera, I'm gonna shove my foot up his fucking ass -
[holds up her thumb; holds up her middle finger; points at cameraman; camera clicks on]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About Insides in Scary Movie
Killer
I wanna see what your insides look like.
[on the phone, looking at a porn magazine]
Drew
Well... well then, turn to page 54.
Killer
Oh... hey, nice!
[flips page, then turns it over]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
No Mercy, No Shame, No Sequel
Taglines
No Mercy. No Shame. No Sequel.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inappropriate Humor and Consequences Discussed
Reporter
How close were you to the victim?
Shorty
Real close, real close. Til the roofies wore off and she woke up, talkin about pressin charges. So I just pulled my tongue out her ass and left.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Compassion and Judgment in Unlikely Encounters
Buffy
Well, I'm much more of a people person. I'd rather feed all the hungry little children of the world and much rather help my fellow man than some animal.
Homeless Man
Spare a dollar?
Buffy
Eww! Get away from me, you bum!
Cindy
Buffy!? Can't you see that he's just hungry?
Cindy
Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.
Homeless Man
I said a dollar, bitch!
Cindy
Ow!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Between Father and Daughter
Cindy's Dad
What's going on in there? Ah, ow, ow, Daddy's head is stuck, unstick Daddy's head, ow...
Cindy
Dad, can you knock?
Cindy's Dad
Knock? I thought I heard screaming in here!
Cindy
No, no, you didn't, Dad.
Cindy's Dad
Oh, it must have been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess.
Cindy
Yeah.
Cindy's Dad
Look, I gotta leave town for a couple days, okay? No big deal, it's just that you know, that new business that I started with those plumbing guys.
Cindy
Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar!
Cindy's Dad
Yeah, yeah, that's right. Well, there's a problem, some money went missing and apparently some legs are gonna get broken, eh, it's just better if I lay low for a couple days. Now, if the cops raid the place...
Cindy
I never heard of you.
Cindy's Dad
And don't forget...
Cindy
To flush your stash.
Cindy's Dad
Oh, you are my little girl, I love you so much. And I left you a little something in the coffee can.
Cindy
Dad...
Cindy's Dad
But, remember you have to step on it before you sell it. Now what are you gonna cut it with?
Cindy
Umm, baking...
Cindy's Dad
Baking soda, not baking powder. Cause baking powder guys will have muffins growing out of their noses.
Cindy
Dad...
[giggles]
Cindy's Dad
You love that joke, honey. You've loved that joke since you were 2 years old. Okay, well...
Cindy
Have a good trip.
Cindy's Dad
Bye.
Cindy
Bye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Hilarious Take on Horror Films
Taglines
A Killer Comedy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Consequences of Calling the Police
Cindy
We have to call the police.
Ray
No way, I ain't goin to jail!
Cindy
We have to!
Greg
Hey, Cindy! Do you know what happens to young boys in prison?! All those sex starved convicts just waitin for a fresh piece of meat?!
Ray
Hey, you're right, Cindy, maybe we should call the police.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Visibility in a Frightening Situation
The Killer
Do you know where I am?
Cindy
Um, you're, you're behind the couch...
Killer
What?! How do you know that?
Cindy
I can um, see your feet.
The Killer
Oh, great! Okay, turn around, close your eyes, no peeking! (The Killer hides under the rug, but then gets up)
The Killer
Hey, hey, hey! Turn around! No peeking!
The Killer
(hides behind the curtain with his hook hanging out) Okay, now turn around. Now, do you know where I am? Ha ha ha, you don't, do you?
Cindy
No, Mr. Killer, I don't know where you are...
The Killer
I'll give you a big clue! (The Killer pops back out)
The Killer
(chases her and trips) Oh, I gotta stop drinking.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Cancelled TV Shows
Cindy
You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!
Ray
No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers... cancelling TV shows does! (continues to stab Bobby with more violence) The Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good-ass show! And we didn't even get a final episode!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Survival Rules from a Distressed Character
Shorty
Shit, son! Yo, whats the deal? Yo, if y'all are watching this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner or worse, dead. But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell you the rules to survive this situation. Rule number 1: you gotta be quick. Rule number 2: DON'T fall down. And rule number 3: whatever you do, NEVER LOOK BACK! Y'all wish me luck... SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!
[laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Take on Horror Films
Taglines
Funny As Hell.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Investigation into Cindy Campbell's Father
Gail
Have they located Cindy Campbell's father?
Sheriff
No.
Gail
Isn't he a suspect?
Sheriff
That is classified information! Where are you getting that?
Gail
I'm sorry. My sources is strictly confidential.
Doofy
Hey, Gail. (To the crowd) Gail swallows!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for Slower Pace
Doofy
(to runners) Hey! Slow it down!
Runner
Blow me!
Doofy
All right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tragedy Acknowledged Amidst Unfortunate Events
Sheriff
Let me just say that the killing of these teens has been tragic, but, uh... hey, you know, shit happens.
[At a press conference]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Threats and Challenges in a Tense Encounter
Drew
Listen asshole, you've had your fun and you better stop or else!
Killer
Or else what?
Drew
Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute, and he's black and he'll kick your ass!
Killer
Oh, really?
Drew
Yeah!
Killer
You mean the one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman?
Drew
How'd you know?
Killer
Turn on the patio lights.
[man dressed like Prince is tied up.]
Man
Help! Help!
Drew
That's not my boyfriend! I mean, I fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Revelations of Love and Identity
Cindy
I thought you loved me.
Bobby
Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you discover new things about yourself. That's right, Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
Ray
What? I ain't gay!
Bobby
What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray
So? They play good music.
Bobby
What about our trip to San Francisco?
Ray
I wanted to go shopping.
Bobby
(on the verge of tears) But... you made love to me.
Ray
First of all, you sucked my dick-
Bobby
Whatever!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.