Scrooged Quotes

Cameos ], ], ], and Paul Shaffer - street musicians

Cameos ] - Himself / Ebenezer Scrooge

James You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?

Frank Yeah, you get to treat them bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough them up.

Cameos ] - Himself

Ghost of Christmas Past GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON!

Ghost of Christmas Present Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!

Earl Cross All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work...'My back hurts, my legs ache, I'm only four! The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better!

Promo Announcer The night the reindeer died!

Elliot Loudermilk ].

James Cross My brother, The King of Christmas.

Cameos ] - Himself / Jacob Marley

Frank I get it. You're here to show me my past, and I'm supposed to get all dully-eyed and mushy. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy!

Ghost of Christmas Past That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother...Niagara Falls!

Frank I want to see her nipples.

Censor Lady But this is a Christmas show.

Frank Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples!

Carpenter You can barely see them nipples.

Frank See? And these guys are really looking!

Frank Same old Claire...still trying to save the world.

Claire You still trying to run it?

Frank Cross No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.

Ghost of Christmas Past You still spend the next fifteen years sitting on your ass watching TV.

Frank Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game-

Ghost of Christmas Past That was the kid on ].

Frank There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails-

Ghost of Christmas Past PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was ]!

Frank ...Was it the the homecoming episode?

Ghost of Christmas Past Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.

Frank Yeah? Name one.

Elliot Hello, IBC program room.

Preston This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?

Elliot Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh...he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?

Preston A butthead?

Elliot He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.

Lew Oh, Frank. Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble.

Frank All right. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you're right, that I am in big trouble. What exactly would that mean?

Lew Look at me. Look at your future. Now, if you don't change your ways, you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am. One minute, I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, lining up a putt. A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast.

Frank No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not a worm feast. You're a HALLUCINATION, brought on by alcohol! Russian vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl! I'm under a lot of pressure lately, I've been putting on a big-

Lew SILENCE!

Frank Ow...

Lew I had it all. I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Frank ADORED?! Let's be honest, Lew! You paid for the women.

Lew I'm warning you, Frank: don't waste your life as I did mine.

Frank Waste? How can you say that?! You're a legend in this business! You're the man who invented the miniseries!

Lew Mankind should have been my business! Charity, mercy, kindness - that should have been my business. Don't wait. Get yourself involved. Now it's too late for me, but it's not for you. You can be saved!

Taglines Bill Murray is back among the ghosts. Only this time, it's three against one.

Frank Cross That happened because it's Christmas Eve, I'm telling you! I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve! It's, it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we, we, we smile a little easier, we, w-w-we, we, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be! It's a miracle, it's really a sort of a miracle, because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know what I'm talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having, having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, and there are people that are cold. You can go out and say hello to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say here. You can make em a sandwich, and say Oh, by the way, here! I get it now! And if you, if you give, then you, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's, it's everybody that's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this pure thing, you'll, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow! You won't be one of these bastards who says, Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud. It's not! It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it's gonna happen to me now. I'm ready for it! And it's great! It's a good feeling. it's, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I'm, I'm, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.

Ghost of Christmas Past You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!

Frank I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!

Ghost of Christmas Past Hey, Frank! Up here!

Frank What's going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!

Frank Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too.

Grace What about my bonus?

Frank Towel and a facecloth.

Frank Cross The bitch hit me with a toaster! I love a girl with spirit.

Frank I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.

Elliot Well, uh...granted but the people already wanna watch the show.

Frank That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.

Scrooge Promo Announcer Acid rain. Drug addictions. International terrorism. Freeway killers. Now more than ever...

Frank It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Scrooge Promo Announcer Don't miss Charles Dickens immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...

Frank ...might just depend on it. Not bad, huh?

Frank Cross Can we look at something else? Oh look. There's a ]

Props man I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.

Frank Did you try staples?

Cameos ] - Himself

Frank Cross What is this? ]?

Cameos ] - Himself

Taglines The spirits will move you in odd and hysterical ways.

Frank I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire...Scrape em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!

Claire Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve!

Frank Bah, humbug.

Cameos ] - Herself / Tiny Tim