Scrooged (1988) - Quotes

Cameos: [[Miles Davis; [w:Larry Carlton|Larry Carlton; [w:David Sanborn|David Sanborn] ], ], ], and Paul Shaffer - street musicians

Cameos: [[w:Mary Lou Retton|Mary Lou Retton] ] - Herself / Tiny Tim

Cameos: [[w:Lee Majors|Lee Majors] ] - Himself

Cameos: [[w:John Houseman|John Houseman] ] - Himself

Cameos: [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet] ] - Himself

Cameos: [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett] ] - Himself / Ebenezer Scrooge

Cameos: [[w:Jamie Farr|Jamie Farr] ] - Himself / Jacob Marley

Taglines: Bill Murray is back among the ghosts. Only this time, it's three against one.

Taglines: The spirits will move you in odd and hysterical ways.

Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.

Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?

Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh...he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?

Preston: A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.

Frank: I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire...Scrape em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!

Claire: Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve!

Frank: [starts to walk away and then turns around] Bah, humbug.

Frank: Same old Claire...still trying to save the world.

Claire: You still trying to run it?

Props man: [tries to attach antlers to a mouse] I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.

Frank: Did you try staples?

James: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?

Frank: Yeah, you get to treat them bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough them up.

Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!

Frank: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!

Ghost of Christmas Past: [disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!

Frank: What's going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!

Ghost of Christmas Past: You still spend the next fifteen years sitting on your ass watching TV.

Frank: Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game-

Ghost of Christmas Past: [[w:The Courtship of Eddie's Father|The Courtship of Eddie's Father] That was the kid on ].

Frank: There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails-

Ghost of Christmas Past: [[w:Little House on the Prairie (TV series)|Little House on the Prairie] PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was ]!

Frank: ...Was it the the homecoming episode?

Ghost of Christmas Past: [exasperated] Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.

Frank: Yeah? Name one.

Frank: I get it. You're here to show me my past, and I'm supposed to get all dully-eyed and mushy. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy!

Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother...Niagara Falls!

Frank: I want to see her nipples.

Censor Lady: But this is a Christmas show.

Frank: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples!

Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.

Frank: See? And these guys are really looking!

Lew: Oh, Frank. Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble.

Frank: All right. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you're right, that I am in big trouble. What exactly would that mean?

Lew: [pats his chest, sending dust flying, and coughs] Look at me. Look at your future. Now, if you don't change your ways, you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am. One minute, I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, lining up a putt. A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast.

Frank: [pointing at him] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not a worm feast. You're a HALLUCINATION, brought on by alcohol! Russian vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl! I'm under a lot of pressure lately, I've been putting on a big-

Lew: [grabs his hand] SILENCE!

Frank: Ow...

Lew: I had it all. I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Frank: [almost laughing] ADORED?! Let's be honest, Lew! You paid for the women.

Lew: I'm warning you, Frank: don't waste your life as I did mine.

Frank: Waste? How can you say that?! You're a legend in this business! You're the man who invented the miniseries!

Lew: Mankind should have been my business! Charity, mercy, kindness - that should have been my business. Don't wait. Get yourself involved. Now it's too late for me, but it's not for you. You can be saved!

Frank: Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too.

Grace: What about my bonus?

Frank: Towel and a facecloth.

Frank: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.

Elliot: Well, uh...granted but the people already wanna watch the show.

Frank: [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up; stands in front of the screens] That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: [images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face; shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off; jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car; guy with shotgun fires] Acid rain. Drug addictions. International terrorism. Freeway killers. Now more than ever...

Frank: [speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...

Frank: [Speaking along with announcer; promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. He takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives] ...might just depend on it. Not bad, huh?

Ghost of Christmas Past: [after driving harmlessly through a van; laughs] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!

Earl Cross: [pauses for a second] All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work...'My back hurts, my legs ache, I'm only four! The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better!

Promo Announcer: The night the reindeer died!

Elliot Loudermilk: [[w:Bugs Bunny|Hello wabbit] ].

James Cross: [last lines] My brother, The King of Christmas.

Frank Cross: [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower] What is this? ]?

Frank Cross: [[w:King Kong|gorilla climbing that building.] Can we look at something else? Oh look. There's a ]

Frank Cross: That happened because it's Christmas Eve, I'm telling you! I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve! It's, it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we, we, we smile a little easier, we, w-w-we, we, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be! It's a miracle, it's really a sort of a miracle, because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know what I'm talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having, having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, and there are people that are cold. You can go out and say hello to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say here. You can make em a sandwich, and say Oh, by the way, here! I get it now! And if you, if you give, then you, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's, it's everybody that's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this pure thing, you'll, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow! You won't be one of these bastards who says, Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud. It's not! It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it's gonna happen to me now. I'm ready for it! And it's great! It's a good feeling. it's, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I'm, I'm, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.

Frank Cross: [confronted by the ghost of his old boss] No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.

Frank Cross: The bitch hit me with a toaster! I love a girl with spirit.