8 quotes
Tensions Rise Over Expensive Equipment
MAJ Ebersole
No, it'll hover. But as before, it will go completely haywire if we attempt to - fire the cannon.
[remembers earlier test]
MSG Bilko
We know that. We just need a couple of hours with it. Let's get started.
[to Wally]
Ebersole
Wait, wait! This is a $70-million piece of equipment! You think I'm gonna just let one of your men mess around with it? I think not.
Bilko
Mm. Hmm. Oh, boy- is it hot in here or what? Oh, wait, what's this? It's the IOU's from the poker game!
[Unconcerned; Takes out a few pieces of paper, and starts patting his forehead with them]
Ebersole
Would you like to use my tools?
[Bilko tears the papers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Responsibility and Rules in Military Life
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko
Listen, that M2 Bradley Fighting Vehicle is property of the United States Army; I want it back on the post by tonight! We have rules! Rules and regulations! I have your rental agreement right here. And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit! Teenagers. So irresponsible!
[On the phone; Turns to light a match on a sign that says "NO SMOKING", then lights a cigarette; Hangs up and sighs irritably]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Complex Feelings Towards a Rival
Colonel John T. Hall
You know, for all the differences I've had with Bilko over the years, I have to admit- I've always kind of liked him. The way he kept up the men's morale; the way he'd pretend to cry, when I went on leave. The way- every year, on my birthday- he'd have the men mow my name on the main lawn, with a big heart around it.
[talking to Major Thorn over alleged anomalies in Bilko's platoon]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Military Careers and Challenges at Fort Baxter
COL John Hall
Major, let me be frank. A negative report from you at this time would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. See, we've been in sort of a slump lately, and I-
MAJ Colin Thorn
Nine years without a single successful test? That's not a slump, Colonel, that's a tradition!
Hall
Look, Major- think for a minute. About the men; their careers! My career.
Thorn
Look, Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. This isn't exactly the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS; shining a seat with my ass in D.C., visiting every dumpy little post- I thought I'd be a colonel by now, or maybe even a general. Sorry, Colonel; what I saw this morning was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning.
Hall
Ah, wait! You know, there's more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. We have an award-winning, Hooah commissary!
CPT Moon
Try the chicken casserole!
Hall
And our softball team won the division title last year; Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the Glee Club finals!
Thorn
I'll certainly keep that in mind. Did you say Bilko?!
[Visibly bored; boards the helicopter and an aircrewman shuts the door. His eyes open wide and he opens the door, calling out to Hall]
Hall
Yes...?
Thorn
Is that Ernie Bilko?!
Hall
One and the same!
Thorn
Maybe I will stay for lunch!
[Gets back out of the helicopter]
Hall
Hoo-ah, light up that chicken casserole, Captain Moon!
Moon
Yes sir!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Adjusting to Changes in the Army
MAJ Thorn
Are these yours?
[Holding the high heels and bra up]
SGT Henshaw
It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir.
[looks ahead]
COL Hall
It's a new Army, Major. We're all adjusting.
[Shrugs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Note of Discontent Among Friends
MSG Ernest Bilko
What's the matter with you? You were full of energy at 6AM.
PFC Wally Holbrook
I don't think the guys like me.
Bilko
Well, what makes you say that?
Holbrook
They wrote me a note. "Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it.
Bilko
Yep, that's Doberman's X.
[Looks at the note]
Holbrook
Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?
Bilko
Why, what's wrong with Doberman?
Wally
He wet his bed!
Bilko
Oh, well, once in a while...
Holbrook
No, he did it from across the room.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bet on the Parking Lot Challenge
MSG Bilko
$20 says I can hit the parking lot.
PFC Wally Holbrook
I don't gamble.
Bilko
What is it you do?
Holbrook
Permission to speak -
Bilko
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
Holbrook
I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
Bilko
Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Accusations of Manipulation in Military Demonstration
MAJ Thorn
Wait! The demonstration was rigged!
MSG Bilko
Ah! Do I see politics in your future, sir? Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?
[Hurrying Tennyson away from Thorn]
GEN Tennyson
You know, I've never really given that serious consideration-
Thorn
Wait! General, he faked it! Didn't you see? The gun was aimed at Target Three, but they blew up Target Four!
[Catching up with them]
Tennyson
Yes, I did.
Bilko
Well, you remember Einstein's theory, sir- space is curved?
Tennyson
Yes.
Bilko
And these are smart weapons. Whoosh!
[Makes cutting motions with his hand, indicating the shot changed course.]
Thorn
Oh, cut the crap! He faked it! It's just another one of his scams!
Tennyson
That's a serious charge. Colonel, what about this?
COL Hall
Well, General, I must tell you, in all my years in the service, I have never- not once- publicly berated a fellow officer. But I realize now, from the very first moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter, he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko. I find his conduct inexcusable, and I'm going to recommend an ].
[walks towards Thorn; [w:Article_32_hearing|Article 32 investigation]
Tennyson
I see.
Thorn
You don't understand. He doesn't know what's going on, he never knows what's going on! This sergeant leads him around by the nose!
Tennyson
Major! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met!
[Shocked]
MAJ Thorn
I'm telling you... he's a BOOB! He doesn't get it! They faked the whole thing!
[Grabs Hall]
Tennyson
I'd like to see just one piece of solid evidence, to support these idiotic allegations!
[pinches fingers]
Thorn
Idiotic. How's this for evidence?! The Fire Control and Super Elevator Board! I took it out last night; so how can it work?!
[Pulls a part of the tank's electronics out of his pocket; Tennyson and the rest of the crowd are stunned at Thorn's admission; embarrassed, Thorn tries to hide the board]
Hall
So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major.
Bilko
I got it all on tape. Lucky!
[Producing a tape recorder]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.