Sgt. Bilko (1996) - Quotes

MAJ Thorn: Wait! The demonstration was rigged!

MSG Bilko: [Hurrying Tennyson away from Thorn] Ah! Do I see politics in your future, sir? Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?

GEN Tennyson: You know, I've never really given that serious consideration-

Thorn: [Catching up with them] Wait! General, he faked it! Didn't you see? The gun was aimed at Target Three, but they blew up Target Four!

Tennyson: Yes, I did.

Bilko: Well, you remember Einstein's theory, sir- space is curved?

Tennyson: Yes.

Bilko: [Makes cutting motions with his hand, indicating the shot changed course.] And these are smart weapons. Whoosh!

Thorn: Oh, cut the crap! He faked it! It's just another one of his scams!

Tennyson: That's a serious charge. Colonel, what about this?

COL Hall: [walks towards Thorn; [w:Article_32_hearing|Article 32 investigation] Well, General, I must tell you, in all my years in the service, I have never- not once- publicly berated a fellow officer. But I realize now, from the very first moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter, he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko. I find his conduct inexcusable, and I'm going to recommend an ].

Tennyson: I see.

Thorn: You don't understand. He doesn't know what's going on, he never knows what's going on! This sergeant leads him around by the nose!

Tennyson: [Shocked] Major! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met!

MAJ Thorn: [Grabs Hall] I'm telling you... he's a BOOB! He doesn't get it! They faked the whole thing!

Tennyson: [pinches fingers] I'd like to see just one piece of solid evidence, to support these idiotic allegations!

Thorn: [Pulls a part of the tank's electronics out of his pocket; Tennyson and the rest of the crowd are stunned at Thorn's admission; embarrassed, Thorn tries to hide the board] Idiotic. How's this for evidence?! The Fire Control and Super Elevator Board! I took it out last night; so how can it work?!

Hall: So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major.

Bilko: [Producing a tape recorder] I got it all on tape. Lucky!

MAJ Ebersole: [remembers earlier test] No, it'll hover. But as before, it will go completely haywire if we attempt to - fire the cannon.

MSG Bilko: [to Wally] We know that. We just need a couple of hours with it. Let's get started.

Ebersole: Wait, wait! This is a $70-million piece of equipment! You think I'm gonna just let one of your men mess around with it? I think not.

Bilko: [Unconcerned; Takes out a few pieces of paper, and starts patting his forehead with them] Mm. Hmm. Oh, boy- is it hot in here or what? Oh, wait, what's this? It's the IOU's from the poker game!

Ebersole: [Bilko tears the papers] Would you like to use my tools?

MAJ Thorn: [Holding the high heels and bra up] Are these yours?

SGT Henshaw: [looks ahead] It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir.

COL Hall: [Shrugs] It's a new Army, Major. We're all adjusting.

MSG Bilko: $20 says I can hit the parking lot.

PFC Wally Holbrook: I don't gamble.

Bilko: What is it you do?

Holbrook: Permission to speak -

Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Holbrook: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.

Bilko: Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?

COL John Hall: Major, let me be frank. A negative report from you at this time would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. See, we've been in sort of a slump lately, and I-

MAJ Colin Thorn: Nine years without a single successful test? That's not a slump, Colonel, that's a tradition!

Hall: Look, Major- think for a minute. About the men; their careers! My career.

Thorn: Look, Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. This isn't exactly the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS; shining a seat with my ass in D.C., visiting every dumpy little post- I thought I'd be a colonel by now, or maybe even a general. Sorry, Colonel; what I saw this morning was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning.

Hall: Ah, wait! You know, there's more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. We have an award-winning, Hooah commissary!

CPT Moon: Try the chicken casserole!

Hall: And our softball team won the division title last year; Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the Glee Club finals!

Thorn: [Visibly bored; boards the helicopter and an aircrewman shuts the door. His eyes open wide and he opens the door, calling out to Hall] I'll certainly keep that in mind. Did you say Bilko?!

Hall: Yes...?

Thorn: Is that Ernie Bilko?!

Hall: One and the same!

Thorn: [Gets back out of the helicopter] Maybe I will stay for lunch!

Hall: Hoo-ah, light up that chicken casserole, Captain Moon!

Moon: Yes sir!

MSG Ernest Bilko: What's the matter with you? You were full of energy at 6AM.

PFC Wally Holbrook: I don't think the guys like me.

Bilko: Well, what makes you say that?

Holbrook: They wrote me a note. "Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it.

Bilko: [Looks at the note] Yep, that's Doberman's X.

Holbrook: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?

Bilko: Why, what's wrong with Doberman?

Wally: He wet his bed!

Bilko: Oh, well, once in a while...

Holbrook: No, he did it from across the room.

Colonel John T. Hall: [talking to Major Thorn over alleged anomalies in Bilko's platoon] You know, for all the differences I've had with Bilko over the years, I have to admit- I've always kind of liked him. The way he kept up the men's morale; the way he'd pretend to cry, when I went on leave. The way- every year, on my birthday- he'd have the men mow my name on the main lawn, with a big heart around it.

Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: [On the phone; Turns to light a match on a sign that says "NO SMOKING", then lights a cigarette; Hangs up and sighs irritably] Listen, that M2 Bradley Fighting Vehicle is property of the United States Army; I want it back on the post by tonight! We have rules! Rules and regulations! I have your rental agreement right here. And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit! Teenagers. So irresponsible!