25 quotes
Differing Perspectives on Personality Traits
Kirk
Patty's not a bitch, she's uh... different.
Stainer
Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.
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Lunch Plans and Family Concerns
Kirk
She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.
Stainer
That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.
Devon
Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?
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Self-Esteem and Self-Perception in Relationships
Molly
And I'm fine with that too. And I was fine with you up until about three minutes ago.
Kirk
That's great Molly. I'm so glad you're fine with me.
Molly
Okay, Kirk. Maybe-maybe you're right. Maybe you are a five. You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point. Everytime someone walks into a room you compare yourself to them, deduct a point. You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it, deduct a point. Um how are we doing? Oh, oh yeah, hoping that I have a defect that you can work with? Deduct whatever's left.
Kirk
I'm out of here. Webbed fucking feet, are you kidding me?
Molly
Kirk!!
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A Conversation About Time and Relationships
Kirk
Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. What do you think?
[pulls out earring box; to his friends]
Stainer
Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.
Devon
I think it's really pretty. How's it work? Oh...
[opens box]
Jack
What the hell is that?
Kirk
I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer
No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.
Kirk
I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack
When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk
I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.
Jack
Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?
Kirk
What?
Jack
You're a moodle.
Kirk
A moodle?
Jack
A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.
Stainer
No one would ever fuck a moodle.
Jack
No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Devon
Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
Stainer
Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?
[holding earring box]
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Unexpected Relationships and Humorous Doubts
Stainer
Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... FUCK YOU.
Devon
It is a pretty impressive catch, Kirkey.
Stainer
Yeah, the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife. What? Did that already happen?
[shocked silence]
Devon
We weren't technically dating yet.
Stainer
My bad.
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Unexpected High School Reunion Humor
Patty
You look just like someone I went to high school with.
Stainer
Oh yeah? What high school? Maybe it was me.
Patty
No, he's in a coma.
Stainer
Huh. Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey.
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Questioning Attractiveness in Relationships
Taglines
How can a 10 go for a 5?
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Slippery Floors and Sportsmanship Disputes
Dylan
Fuck it! This floor is slippery. These shoes are fucked for this.
Mr. Kettner
Dylan, sportsmanship!
Dylan
Fuck you!
Mrs. Kettner
Timeout.
Dylan
You guys take a timeout for being assholes.
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Misunderstandings About Relationships and Breakups
Kirk
Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?
Devon
Cause I thought you had.
Kirk
No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
Stainer
A "sticky wicket"?
Kirk
Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
Stainer
And how many times have you called her?
Kirk
Five.
Stainer
And how many times have you really called her?
Kirk
Seventeen.
Stainer
It's done. Tao of Love.
Kirk
What?
Stainer
That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.
Kirk
No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.
Stainer
Tina Jordan does.
Kirk
Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
Stainer
She was my Molly.
Kirk
You never mentioned her.
Stainer
I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.
Kirk
That's what that was? You said you had mono.
Stainer
Yeah. Mono of the heart.
Jack
Oh, my God, how's your vagina?
Stainer
Shut up, Jack!
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One Chance with a Stunning Woman
Taglines
When she's this hot, You get one shot.
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Casual Attire for Swimming Discussion
Ron
Come on in for a dip, girl.
Molly
Oh no, I don't even have a bathing suit.
Dylan
You can wear your underwear. It's just like a bikini it covers all the good shit.
Ron
Yeah, underwear is fine.
Marnie
RON!
Ron
It's like what they did in the old days.
Molly
Underwear would be fine... if I were wearing any.
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Date Announcement for She's Out of My League
Taglines
It'll all add up March 12
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Comparing Jack to Yoda in a humorous way
Devon
You're like Yoda.
Jack
I know.
Devon
You're like... Sex Yoda.
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Exploring Masculinity and Perceptions of Gayness
Kirk
So how is this not gay?
Devon
I think there's nothing gay about it. The fact that you're letting a straight, married man shave your testicles...I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive.
Kirk
There is some logic in that...
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Discussion on Names and Perceptions
Stainer
Let's face it, Marnie's kinda a skank. Oh, hey Marnie. We were just talking about Marnie the name, and how it's unfortunate it's not more common.
[Marnie appears]
Marnie
Fuck you Stainer.
Stainer
But, you didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.
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Belief in Possibility and Relationships
Jack
Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Stainer
OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.
Jack
Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.
Kirk
Anything is possible"?
Devon
Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.
Stainer
Such as?
Devon
] and ].
[[w:Lyle Lovett|Lyle Lovett; [Julia Roberts]
Jack
Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to ].
[[Denise Richards]
Stainer
All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
Jack
OK, OK, OK. ] and ].
[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong; [Naomi Watts]
Stainer
They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Jack
Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer
He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.
Devon
What about the President of France and that girl that went out with ]?
[[Mick Jagger]
Stainer
He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.
Devon
Wait a second... The Beast.
Stainer
Who?
Devon
The Beast from ]. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.
[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]
Stainer
OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.
Devon
You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.
Stainer
Power of love.
Jack
Very... perfect.
Kirk
Beautiful.
Devon
Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.
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Introducing Molly to the Group
Kirk
This is when you say "Hi Molly".
Dylan
Who are you?
Kirk
She is Molly.
Ron
Why is she here?
Kirk
She came with me.
Dylan
Did you hit her car or something?
Kirk
Jesus... No but thank you for asking.
Dylan
Are you a social worker?
Molly
Nope.
Dylan
Aw shit are we being evicted?
Kirk
No.
Dylan
Are you a hooker?
Debbie
Dylan!
Dylan
Or a prostitute I mean?
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Miscommunication with the Museum Director
Museum Director
Can I see your invitation?
Kirk
Can I see your invitation?
Devon
Probably not the best thing to say to the Museum Director.
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Unconventional Advice in a Frustrating Situation
Patty
Dude, go shit in your hand.
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Unexpected Encounters in a Phone Call
Kirk
Hello?
[Answering Molly's phone]
Patty
Who is this?
Kirk
Might be the guy with the new iPhone, who are you?
Patty
Might be your worst fucking nightmare!
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Confrontation with a Threatening Ultimatum
Stainer
Foler, you have a choice, you can step aside, or you can fight me. If that's how you wanna go, I warn you, I will go Dark Side. I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off, and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I am an insane motherfucker! You know that from the breakroom! What's it gonna be?
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Late Arrival with No Apology
Mr. Fuller
Thanks for coming in, Kettner.
Kirk
Sorry I'm late, Fuller.
Mr. Fuller
You better have a damn good excuse.
Kirk
Nope.
Mr. Fuller
Take a second? Make something up?
Kirk
Nope.
Mr. Fuller
Interesting.
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Curiosity About Attraction and Social Media
Devon
Hey, did she say anything about Wendy thinking I'm hot?
Kirk
No.
Devon
Shoot, I wonder if she is on Facebook?
Kirk
Devon, you're on Facebook?
Devon
Yeah... I got like 37 friends.
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Debating Kirk's Attractiveness Among Friends
Stainer
I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Devon
Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.
Stainer
A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Jack
Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.
Stainer
But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk
Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer
Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.
Jack
Five.
Stainer
Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Kirk
Where do you get this shit?
Stainer
Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
Jack
Oh, not even you, huh?
[chuckles]
Stainer
I'm a six, okay?
Jack
Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?
Stainer
You're an eight.
Jack
Okay, you're a six then.
Stainer
But I get a one point bump because I'm in a band.
Kirk
Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deducation.
Stainer
Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
Kirk
What about your crappy car?
Stainer
Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Jack
Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer
Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. It's right next to "fuck you"!
Devon
I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
Jack
My God. What are you, ]? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
[[Hannah Montana]
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Confrontation Over Cellphone Use on Plane
Plane Doctor
You shouldn't be using your cellphone. It's bad for the plane.
Patty
Oh, I'm sorry, are you the plane doctor? No? Then shut the fuck up.
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