Shrek Forever After (2010) - Quotes

Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour!

Rumpelstiltskin: [furiously; Piper frantically flute-spoke some more.; stomping his feet in rage; turns on to Wolf; turns on to Baba; turns on Piper; Piper set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic.] What!? Shrek and Fiona are together?! Yeah, I've heard enough of your toot-a-lee-toot-toot-toots! YOU BLEW IT! Wolfie! My speech wig. Baba! Ready for my make up. And Piper pulled my socks up. Wee tight.

Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator!

Rumpelstiltskin: [Man coughing; Pinocchio groan] Hello, people. It is I, Rumpelstiltskin... shepherd of your dreams. Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Your wildest dreams. Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! But hurry, this is a limited time offer. So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on!

Puss in Boots: It seems that we are safe.

Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.

Shrek: [bitterly] Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.

Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow-

Shrek: [angrily; voice cracked] Hey, don't you understand?! There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that, DAY AFTER THAT! My life was perfect! And I'm never gonna get it back!

Donkey: Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?

Shrek: [sighs, deeply remorseful now; He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop.] Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone, all right?! I didn't know what I had.

Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine!

Shrek: [picked the gingerbread man up] Gingy?

Gingy: You unhand me, green devil!

Shrek: What are you doing?

Gingy: Collecting my bounty!

Puss in Boots: Bounty?

Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker?

Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in.

Shrek: Deal of a lifetime?

Gingy: [last words; Shrek pondered this for a bit.] Where all your wishes come true.

Shrek: Wait a minute. I can still fix this.

Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that?

Shrek: [set Gingy down; turns to Gingy; But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look.] You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. OK, Gingy, tell me about this... (Puss, what are you doing?!)

Puss in Boots: Were you going to eat that?

Puss in Boots: Uh, Donkey, can I borrow your tongue?

Donkey: [stops licking himself; Puss started doing his 'big eyes' trick.; His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in.; Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick Puss, though he was disgusted to do so.] Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. All right!

Shrek: Stop!

Donkey: [he and Puss saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following.] Huh?

Shrek: Where are you going?!

Princess Fiona: To save my friends!

Shrek: How, by getting yourself killed?!

Princess Fiona: If that is what it takes!

Shrek: Puss, say something!

Princess Fiona: [suspiciously] Puss?!

Puss in Boots: Eh, let me explain.

Princess Fiona: [walks off] So that's how you knew so much about me.

Shrek: [jumping in front of her] Fiona, wait! Kiss me!

Princess Fiona: What?!

Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends.

Princess Fiona: [walks past him] Get out of my way!

Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!

Shrek: [frustrated] I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!

Princess Fiona: [short pauses; trolls gone] Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it?! It's all just a big fairy tale!

Shrek: [pleads] Fiona, don't say that, it does exist!

Princess Fiona: [voice cracked] And how would you know?! Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep?! Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting true love that NEVER CAME?!

Shrek: But... but I'm your true love.

Princess Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you?

Donkey: [worriedly] Maybe you kissed her... wrong?

Shrek: [sadly] No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.

Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day!

Shrek: I know everything about you, I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode.

Princess Fiona: Big deal.

Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the I.

Princess Fiona: So what?

Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower. But mostly importantly, Fiona. I know that the reason that you turn human every day. Is because you've never been kissed. Well, by me.

Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal?

Gretched: What she waiting for?

Cookie: He's going to get away!

Brogan: No, He's not.

Puss in Boots: Come on, Donkey, ¡¡vamonos!!

Donkey: Man, you are a cat-tastrophe!!

Puss in Boots: And you, are ri-donkey-lous!!

Shrek: [as Donkey opens his real eyes] Donkey! I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona.

Rumpelstiltskin: [to the Three Pigs; Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp.] Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you.

Horst: [whines; pigs gone] This little piggy wants to go home!

Griselda: [came running in] Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here.

Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute?

Rumpelstiltskin: Good.

Griselda: [scoffs; motions flute playing; She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm.; Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms.] You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, flute those ogres a lullaby? OK, got it! Make it stop!

Rumpelstiltskin: [With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. he gave an evil look.; The witches still stood where they were.; The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient he kicked her rear.; The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre.] All right, that’s enough. Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here!

Princess Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself.

Ogres: He’s never done that before. What? Why?

Donkey: I bet that’s because of us.

Shrek: Shhh!

Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable.

Princess Fiona: The plan’s simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. And then we attack!

Princess Fiona: [noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon.] And when the smoke clears… Wait, what’s this?

Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand.

Princess Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that.

Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? Go ahead and finish your little speech.

Princess Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free.

Brogan: And so will we.

Princess Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace.

Donkey: Man, this is serious!

Shrek: [slumps back] Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise?

Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution.

Shrek: [scoff] Revolution?

Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you are her true love and you came from an alternate universe.

Shrek: [sarcastically] Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?

Donkey: I do?!

Shrek: You saw what happened, she's gonna think I'm crazy.

Shrek: [spots the frog; blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once... Then I can do it again.

Donkey: [offscreen] Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons?

Shrek: [enters Fiona's tent] Donkey, shh. Hello? Fiona?

Puss in Boots: [green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo] You should not be here, señor.

Shrek: [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck] Puss? You've gotta be kiddin me.

Puss in Boots: Feed me, if you dare.

Shrek: [as he goes to say "fat", Puss gives him a look] Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa... Fancy!

Puss in Boots: Do I know you?

Shrek: [gasps softly] Well, where is your hat and your belt? And your wee little boots?

Puss: [laughs] Boots, for a cat?

Shrek: But you're Puss in Boots.

Puss in Boots: [opens a bottle of milk] Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown.

Shrek: [under his breath] That's not the only thing you have outgrown.

Puss in Boots: [a mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it; starts drinking out of the bowl himself] Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. Eh, I'll get him later.

Shrek: Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.

Puss in Boots: Well, I do get brushed twice a day.

Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona...

Princess Fiona: [enters her tent] What are you doing?!

Shrek: [notices Fiona behind him turns around] Hey!

Princess Fiona: Can I help you with something?

Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension.

Princess Fiona: A gift basket?

Shrek: [He then got out each different gift from the basket.; sniff] You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. Mmm.

Princess Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the…

Shrek: [holds out a homemade coupon book; came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it.] What’s this? Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now.

Princess Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful.

Shrek: [holds out hand; Fiona decided to shake his hand.; The two hugged.; Fiona quickly stopped him by stomping his foot then grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back in pain, forcing him to leave.; Fiona pushed him thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin.] Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. No hard feelings? An apologetic hug? And a quick kiss goodbye. Wait! Is that mistletoe I see?

Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?

Princess Fiona: Where’d we find that guy?

Puss in Boots: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft?

Princess Fiona: [then got out a comb and crush.] Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty?

Puss in Boots: [gives cute pose] I am.

Rumpelstiltskin: [turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake.; to one of the witches; Baba nodded; walked around the table as he continued.; One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement.; Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp.; He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant.; with frustration raising in his voice] Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? Baba? Good. Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Except, funny thing... Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!!

Rumpelstiltskin: [takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass; The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them.; He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces.; She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch.; She nervously declined as well.; puts pitcher down; narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch] But, as I was saying, I like to look at the goblet as half full. Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? Wet your whistle? A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! You.

Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms?

Rumpelstiltskin: No!

Hat Witch: [scared] Pointier hats?

Rumpelstiltskin: [to another witch] No! You!

Witch: [He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch, as she's melting] Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? What a world! What a world!

Rumpelstiltskin: [points to Baba; Baba jumped out of her chair in fear.; He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin.] You know, actually not a bad idea. Baba! I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person!

Donkey: [rushes up to plate] Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!

Shrek: [Points Donkey; Donkey stopped and frowned.; Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.; Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] Donkey! Don't eat that! There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it! You did.

Donkey: Uh-oh.

Shrek: [ducks] Look out!

Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK?

Donkey: [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.] I’m fine.

Shrek: [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.] Donkey.

Donkey: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!

Ogre #1: Watch your head.

Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy!

Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.

Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he?

Ogre #2: Yeah.

Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!

Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie.

Shrek: [He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Now, wait a minute! Hey!

Brogan: Here you go.

Brogan: Welcome to the resistance.

Shrek: [confused] Resistance?

Brogan: [puts arm around Shrek; He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.] We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere!

Shrek: [about soilders using their horn] I didn't know we could do that.

Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi…

Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go.

Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet.

Shrek: Trust me, you don’t wanna eat this one.

Donkey: I go down smooth, but come out fighting!

Shrek: Let go!

Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad.

Shrek: Your dinner is my friend!

Brogan: Come on, guys!

Cookie: I got to get the giblets out!

Ogres: [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief.] She’s back.

Shrek: [happily; hands axe to one of the ogres began running up to her, Fiona spots at him; Fiona kicks him and sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up.] Fiona! I’m so happy I found you!

Princess Fiona: [walked up, handing her axe to Gretched.; her helmet to Brogan.] Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.

Shrek: [worried] You don’t know who I am, do you?

Princess Fiona: [to Brogan] No. Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room.

Shrek: Fiona.

Princess Fiona: [to Gretched] Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.

Shrek: I need to talk to you.

Princess Fiona: [turns on Shrek] What is it?!

Shrek: [calmly; Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look.; As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.; as Butterpants; Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't he, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] OK, I know you don’t remember me, but… we’re married. Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Right? Who’s with me?

Princess Fiona: [chuckles a bit] Wow, I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.

Shrek: Fiona, I need to…

Princess Fiona: [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! went to their battle stations.]

Shrek: Fiona!

Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!

Shrek: [grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.] Come on, now.

Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.

Princess Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.

Donkey: [to Shrek] That’s your wife?

Shrek: That’s my wife.

Donkey: [Shrek gave a weird look at him.] Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family!

Donkey: [but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back.] Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, no, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast!

Shrek: Fiona!

Shrek: Oh, no.

Shrek: If I didn’t saved Fiona. Then who did?

Shrek: [Donkey looked surprised.; pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face] This is the favor Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. It’s a symbol of our love. Now smell it!

Donkey: [winces] Hey, man, get that dirty favor out of my face!

Shrek: [waves it in front of Donkey] Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl!

Donkey: [Then he started sniffing.; sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit.] Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Wait a minute. I think I got something. Whatever it is, it’s sweet.

Shrek: Fiona.

Donkey: Luscious and tasty.

Shrek: [frowns; Donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest.] Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. Donkey!

Donkey: [running] Just take my wallet!

Shrek: [chases after Donkey] Hey!

Donkey: [running; Shrek tackles Donkey] Just take my wallet! I'M BEING ASS-NAAAAAAPPED! HELP! ANIMAL CRUELTY! HELP--!

Shrek: [covers Donkey mouth] You need to calm down. I'm your friend.

Donkey: [muffled] My friend?!

Shrek: [uncovers Donkey's mouth] I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? Good! I'm gonna let go.... right.... now.

Donkey: [screaming] Please! EAT MY FACE LAST! SEND MY HOOVES TO MY MAMA!

Shrek: Donkey! You got to trust me.

Donkey: Why should I trust you?

Shrek: [sighs; singing; Donkey looks up at Shrek and smiles at him, but then runs away screaming] Because... Because.... OK. Winter, spring, summer, fall, all you got to do is call... And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye... You've got a friend. FINE! GO AHEAD, RUN AWAY, WHO NEEDS YOU!

Donkey: [offscreen] I’ve never seen an ogre cry.

Shrek: [wiped the tear away] I’m not crying.

Donkey: [choking up; starts to cry himself] It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, or a little baby grandma kitten. That is so darn sad.

Shrek: I said I’m not crying!

Donkey: [recovers] Hey, take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset?

Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have.

Donkey: Oh, you signed up for one of them time-shares, huh?

Shrek: [pulls out contract] No. I signed this.

Donkey: [gasps] You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin!

Shrek: Yeah, I got that.

Donkey: His fine print is crafty.

Shrek: I know.

Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky.

Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say?

Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is.

Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print, and there’s nothing about an exit clause in here.

Donkey: [grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper.] Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills.

Shrek: What are you doing?

Donkey: [Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding.; Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre.; Shrek only gave a confused look.] Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Now, who’s Lou?

Shrek: [snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss".] Give me that! "True Love’s Kiss.

Donkey: Hey, boy, you gonna have to take me to dinner first.

Shrek: [rolls eyes; picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling.] According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back!

Donkey: [gets down] OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona?

Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know.

Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last?

Shrek: [His eyes widened in realization.] The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. Oh, no.

Witch: [Rumpelstiltskin took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. spots at Pinocchio] Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer.

Rumpelstiltskin: [turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs] Wolfie!

Wolf: [dryly] Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.

Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig.

Pinocchio: [pleading] Mr. Stiltskin, oh, please!

Rumpelstiltskin: [cutting him off; The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over him] Abupupup! OK, go.

Pinocchio: Oh, please make me a real boy!

Rumpelstiltskin: [got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away; to Pinocchio; rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign.] Go away! Terms are in the details, balsa boy.

Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!

Shrek: Stiltskin!

Rumpelstiltskin: [Witches gasps and the music stops; laughs stood up on his desk; walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive.] Oh, Shrek! There he is!

Pinocchio: [his arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice.] Oh! So close!

Rumpelstiltskin: [hopped from the table and announced to all the witches.; They all cheered wildly. Then he climbed up towards Shrek; pulling on Shrek's ear whispers] Have I been waitin for you! Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day?

Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on?! What have you done?

Rumpelstiltskin: [hopped off; skips to his table and sits on it] No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.

Shrek: [roll his eyes] They would never do that.

Rumpelstiltskin: [Flashback to King Harold and Queen Lillian; King Harold writing the contract; King Harold and Queen Lillian screaming disappears drops their crowns flashback ends he holds the King's crown, sighs happily] They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. And then they disappeared! They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse.

Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse!

Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed?

Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man!

Rumperstiltskin: [starts scatting "Happy Birthday"] Here, let spell out for ya. You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby.

Shrek: [shocked] You took the day I was born.

Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me.

Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up...

Rumpelstiltskin: But you haven’t heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you!

Shrek: Where's Fiona? WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!

Rumpelstiltskin: [Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making him more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some mores; mockingly] Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don’t exist. How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! HAPPY OGRE-DAY!

Shrek: [enraged; He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back.] RUMPEL!! AAAAAHHHH!

Rumpelstiltskin: GET HIM! GET HIM, WITCHES!

Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes.

Witch: Come on, girls!

Rumpelstiltskin: [kicks a witch] Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! Do it!

Shrek: [calls back; zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches.] I’ll be right back, Donkey!

Donkey: [to Rumpelstiltskin; The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe.] I don’t know you. I don’t know him.

Donkey: [Rumpelstiltskin ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help.] I’m glad I’m not you.

Donkey: Help me! Help!

Donkey: Oh, no! Help!

Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball!

Shrek: [covers Donkey's eyes] Watch out!

Rumpelstiltskin: [turns on Wolf] Wolfe, my angry wig.

Donkey: [singing] ♪ Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely

Shrek: [groans; His eyes opened up in realization.] Donkey, stop with the singing, will you?

Donkey: ♪ I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say

Shrek: [hit his head on the ceiling.] Donkey! Ow!

Donkey: [He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving..] ♪ Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on til tomorrow Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! ♪

Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening?!

Cage Witch #1: [whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song.] Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song.

Shrek: Hey! Please don't hit Donkey! It's not very nice.

Donkey: [singing] ♪ But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh ♪

Cage Witch #2: [took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash.] Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music.

Donkey: [The only response was another lash.; The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along.] Will you witches make up your mind, please? ♪ No matter what they take from me ♪

Donkey and Witches: [singing] ♪ They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all ♪

Shrek: Psst, Donkey? What's going on? Do you know where Fiona is?

Donkey: Shh! Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said.

Shrek: [as Donkey rolls his eyes] Where are my babies? And where's your wife, Dragon?

Donkey: Look, ogre. I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I've never seen you before in my life.

Shrek: [puzzled] Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey!

Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway?

Shrek: It's me, Shrek. Your best friend?

Donkey: [scoffs; As he kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration.] A donkey and an ogre friends? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!

Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they're taking me?

Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin.

Shrek: Stiltskin!

Cage Witch: [hits Shrek with her broom; The second witch whipped Donkey again.] I said, quiet!

Donkey: [singing; Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed.] ♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪ ♪ Why don't you hit me with your best shot Hit me with your best shot ♪

Shrek: Oh, no.

Donkey: [To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well.] ♪ Fire away! ♪

Shrek: [sees another poster] Sure is great to be wanted again. Oh, nice one.

Shrek: Fiona?

Shrek: Oh no.

Shrek: [runs to it; However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it.] My home. Fiona! Fiona! Are you in there?!

Shrek: [yelling out; He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland.] All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! Rumpel!

Broomsy Witch: [points at Shrek; Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy.] Ogre! We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him!

Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?!

Broomsy Witch: Looks like a troublemaker!

Broomsy Witch: Spread ‘em!

Broomsy Witch: Nice job, ladies!

Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!

Pumpkin Witch: [drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face] You have the right to shut your mouth!

Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talkin about.

Rumpelstiltskin: [takes a sip of an eyeball-tini] I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.

Shrek: [chuckles and rolls eyes] Free? That’s a laugh.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah?

Shrek: [ate the eyeball off the toothpick.] Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again.

Rumpelstiltskin: [stands up in his chair; He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away.] Well, why didn’t ya say so? Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on!

Shrek: Oh, great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favorite people.

Rumpelstiltskin: [laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder.; started rummaging through his deal scrolls.; finds one; He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day".] Hold on. "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." Ah. "Ogre for a day".

Rumpelstiltskin: [mimicking scared citizen] Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be like, "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made... sense.

Shrek: All right, what’s the catch?

Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing.

Shrek: Alright. I knew it. So what do you want?

Rumpelstiltskin: A day.

Shrek: A day?

Rumplestiltskin: Ooh, rat's done!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all.

Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone. And by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.

Shrek: Still, I don’t know.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. It doesn’t matter. Hey, do you like white meat or dark meat?

Shrek: [As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly.] So what day would I have to give up?

Rumpelstiltskin: [bitterly/faster; Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure.; He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table.] Oh, I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) How bout the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? A day some meddling oaf stuckhisbignosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYING YOUR BUSINESS AND RUINING YOUR LIFE?! Just for an example.

Shrek: [laughing] Well, how about the day I met Donkey? Now there’s a day I’d like to take back.

Rumpelstiltskin: [laughing; gets an idea] I don’t know who that is. I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. An innocent, mindless little baby.

Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care.

Rumpelstiltskin: [He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing.] Oh, just one will do. OK, good. A day from your childhood it is.

Shrek: I guess there’s nothin wrong with wanting a little time for myself.

Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours.

Shrek: I’m still my own ogre!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is!

Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before.

Rumpelstiltskin: [pushes the contract towards him] So why start now, huh?

Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it!

Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now?

Rumpelstiltskin: [mockingly] Have a nice day.

Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!

Shrek: [groans] I think I fell on my keys.

Shrek: If she thinks I'm going to slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre, and I’m not gonna apologize for actin like one.

Rumpelstiltskin: [from the distance] Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you?

Shrek: Yeah, it’s me, Granny.

Rumpelstiltskin: AN OGRE?! Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me!

Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you.

Rumpelstiltskin: [peeks out] But you are an ogre… aren’t you?

Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed.

Rumpelstiltskin: So, you're not gonna eat me?

Shrek: No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going'?

Shrek: Nowhere.

Rumpelstiltskin: [grins] What a coincidence! I was just headin that way myself. But seriously, let me give ya a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do, after all you’ve done for me. I got a hot rat cookin'. All right! So, can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration, huh? Eyeball-tini?

Shrek: Well, maybe just one.

Butterpants father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar.

Butterpants: Do the roar.

Shrek: Uh, roar.

Butterpants: [unimpressed] I don't like it.

Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake.

Heimlich: But we ate ze other cakes.

Butterpants father: Come on, man. One roar!

Donkey: [The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar.] Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar!

Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes?

Dieter: We ate them, too.

Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops.

Horst: No, I ate them.

Dieter: What, you didn’t share?

Horst: [frowns] Well, you didn’t share the croissants!

Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay.

Princess Fiona: [came and took her kids, holding them.] Shrek, what's going on?

Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waitin'.

Butterpants: Do the roar.

Crowd: Do the Roar! Do the Roar!

Princess Fiona: We Need the Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!

Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy.

Puss in Boots: [lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.] Everybody, I have found... another cake!

Princess Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay?

Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Princess Fiona: Unbelievable!

Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers are...

Princess Fiona: I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek, I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids first birthday?

Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault?

Princess Fiona: Yes! But.... You know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home.

Shrek: [mimicking the tour guide] You mean that roadside attraction we live in? "Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite!" I USED to be an ogre, now I'm just a Jolly Green Joke!

Princess Fiona: Okay, okay. Maybe you're not the ogre you used to be. But maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Shrek: [scoffs; throws down the party hat] Oh, I wouldn't expect you to understand. It is not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace!

Princess Fiona: [solemnly] And the other half locked away in a tower.

Shrek: [sighs] Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Back when the world made sense!

Princess Fiona: [sharply] You mean, back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep?

Shrek: [angrily] Exactly!

Princess Fiona: [widens her eyes in great shock, not believing what her husband just said to her; solemnly] Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that... is you?

Shrek: [bitterly; leaves] That's just great.

Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek!

Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks?

Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches?

Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce!

Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre.

Shrek: [puzzled] A real ogre?

Rumpelstiltskin: [narrating; He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona kissing and a separate picture of their babies.] No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona.

Rumpelstiltskin: [irate] True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies!

Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace (sarcastically) Goody for them!

Rumpelstiltskin: [furiously] AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY--

Rumpelstiltskin: EVER--

Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!

Pinocchio: Uh, sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that.

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?

Pinocchio: Oh, I'm not a real boy.

Rumpelstiltskin: [looking devious] Do you want to be?

Pinocchio: [kicks him out of the library; closes the door] NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS!

Rumpelstiltskin: [coughs, and looks at the ripped page of the royal family in anger] I wish that ogre was never born!

King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse.

Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas.

King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s…

Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin!

Rumpelstiltskin: [narrating] Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures.

Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me.

Shrek: You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.

Shrek: [spots at Fiona's crown] Oh, no. If I didn’t saved Fiona. Then who did?

Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family?!

Shrek: Happy birthday, Farkle! Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart, I believe this is yours.

Shrek: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!

Shrek: Donkey, what's going on? Do you know were Fiona is?