Sione's Wedding (2006) - Quotes

Waitress: Hey ummm if you want more corn beef, there's heaps out the back. Cheer up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Stanley: [suddenly startled because of the voice and the last few words; Waitress is shocked upon recognizing Tyrique, and suddenly runs off] Latifah?

Derek: Albert.

Albert: Derek.

Derek: Sole man, where you going?

Albert: Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me sole, alright?

Derek: Why?

Albert: What do you mean why? Cause you're white, not Samoan.

Derek: Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?

Albert: That's none of your business.

Derek: [looks strangely at Albert] You disrespecting me?

Albert: [laughing] Hey?

Derek: [Sefa, Michael, and Stanley laugh] Comin on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood.

Michael: Just hit the prick, Albert.

Albert: [[w:Bad (Michael Jackson song)#Music video|Michael Jackson video; Michael, Sefa, and Stanley crack up] Derek...this is not a ], okay? So stop being a dick and get out of my way.

Stanley: [Albert looks back at him] What about Tanya? Tanya, who you work with?

Michael: I thought she's seeing someone else.

Albert: She hangs out with Derek.

Stanley: She thinks he's a dick.

Michael: So how come she's going out with him?

Stanley: She's not going out with him?

Michael: That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.

Albert: [snaps] Michael, you asked Tanya?!?! Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?!

Stanley: So you do like her.

Albert: So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys. He's obviously the someone else.

Stanley: Or...she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely? Cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.

Michael: How do you know all this?

Stanley: I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.

Leilani: [teary-eyed] What do you want?

Sefa: I got a pitch stranger put a needle up my dick.

Leilani: God, did it hurt?

Sefa: Then he tells me I don't have any of the symptoms.

Leilani: Of what?

Sefa: [[w:sexually-transmitted disease|STD; glances away, then back to Leilani in a hushed voice] Of WHAT? The ] I did give you! The one you went to the clinic for?

Leilani: The family planning clinic, Sefa. I'm pregnant.

Sefa: What are these?

Stanley: Pants!

Sefa: Who's wearing them?

Stanley: You are!

Sefa: Correct!

Leilani: [Leilani's crew laughs] And who washes the skid marks out of them?

Albert: [The others agree; Pastor prepares swing but stops] So we're different people when these girls around Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. Sione's like a little brother to us.

Michael: Especially me, sir.

Stanley: They're related.

Albert: [Pastor's swing is interrupted again; Gang agrees] And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin.

Michael: [Sione shrugs] Right, Sione?

Pastor: [Points club head to each of the four] Not just dates. Not some girl foolish enough to say Yes to a night out and free food. You must bring girlfriends.

Albert: Girlfriends?

Stanley: But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!

Albert: Good one, Stanley.

Pastor: Someone to whom you've made a commitment.

Michael: Commitment?

Pastor: [Mimics; Normal voice; Makes the swing, but the ball bounces off the golf cart and Sefa's head before it lands inches away from the hole] Commitment'? Girlfriend'? Other words you don't understand, ah? You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street.

Pastor: [Sefa, Albert, Michael, and Stanley agree, and an assistant readies the VCR.] We have a problem. As a shepherd of the Lord charged with watching over our little community, I have officiated at many happy occasions. Celebrations of love, togetherness, peace and harmony...and there are weddings you four have attended. Shall we watch some? Tavita's wedding.

Sione: [in footage] It's not funny guys, it's not funny! Do you know what the hell you've done!?!?

Pastor: And Albert, don't think anyone has forgotten Iakopo's wedding.

Pastor: [as assistant switches tapes] Sefa, don't think anyone has forgotten Mose's wedding.

Pastor: [Albert coldly looks at a sweaty Stanley.] And just last night, your crowning glory. Eugene's wedding.

Stanley: [off-cam voice; speaks to camera] Bolo, Bolo, Bolo! You didn't see me, okay? I was not here! Later!

Albert: [off-cam; The lens is blocked] Eugene's gone ballistic....

Various Voices In Camera: Shut up, shut up! Turn it off! No, you shut up!

Pastor: Shame and heartache, because of FOUR IMMATURE FOOLS! My flock have commanded to me, and that is why my decree, is this...at Sione's wedding, all of you...are banned. Our meeting is over.