Spaceballs (1987) - Quotes

President Skroob: [When the self-destruct siren is going off] Where the hell are we, Paris?!?

President Skroob: [to Dark Helmet] Never have that damn thing down in front of me! How do I know that you're not making faces at me under that thing?

President Skroob: [Winded after running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.

President Skroob: [Sandurz and Helmet look at each other in disbelief] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!

President Skroob: [Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!

President Skroob: [After beaming to the bridge, his head is on backwards] Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?!

Dot Matrix: That was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

Dot Matrix: Here I am! I'm sorry! I had to make a pit stop! I'm so excited that I couldn't hold my oil.

Dot Matrix: [sniffs] Well... Goodbye, virgin alarm.

Dot Matrix: We'll have none of that mister! How far did he get? What'd he touch?

Dot Matrix: It's either the 4th of July or someone's trying to kill us!

Dot Matrix: [After Barf, introduces himself, opening the emergency exit of the wedding car] Not in here, Mister. This is a Mercedes!

Dark Helmet: Come back, you fat bearded bitch!

Dark Helmet: [about the self-destruct cancellation button being out of order; [future] Out of order?! Fuck! Even in the ] nothing works!

Dark Helmet: [[friends] Say goodbye to your two best ], and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Dark Helmet: [[evil; [good] So, Lone Starr, now you see that ] will always triumph, because ] is dumb.

Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!

Dark Helmet: [To Lone Starr] I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Dark Helmet: You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.

Dark Helmet: [pause] Commence operation "Vacu-Suck"!

Dark Helmet: 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Dark Helmet: [ogling Dr. Philip Schlotckens' nurse] I bet she gives great helmet.

Dark Helmet: Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with strawberries!

Dark Helmet: [feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed; [brain] What have I done?! My ]s are going into my feet!

Dark Helmet: Ludicrous Speed, Go!

Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?! Chicken?!!

Dark Helmet: [[galaxy; A soldier volunteers, but Helmet stops him; Soldier: Jawohl, Lord Helmet!; [planet; pauses, looking at the camera, then opens door, but finds nothing, then lifts helmet] Now we'll show her who is in charge of this ]. Hold it...I'll handle this personally. So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your ]...to ours. She's not in there!

Dark Helmet: [Mr. Radar has just been "jammed" with raspberry.; pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face; camera slams into his face and knocks him out] There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Starr!

Dark Helmet: ['''Everyone On-Board:''' [raises hands; except one; lowers helmet] How many Assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow? Yo!] I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes! Keep firing, Assholes!

Opening credits: [in tiny print] : If you can read this, you don't need glasses.