27 quotes
Uncertainty in Plans and Responsibilities
Duff
I'm not goin in.
John
What?
Duff
Someone has to watch in case he comes home.
John
I thought you said he was going to be out all night.
Duff
He *will* be out all night.
John
Then why do we need a look-out?
Duff
We don't. Just go in.
John
You go in.
Duff
Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk?
John
What risk?
Duff
There is no risk. Just go!
[''John displays his face of annoyance and shakes his head'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Swinging from the Branch: A Character's Call
Duff
The branch! Swing from the branch Rickey!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Let It Go
Detective Charles
I urge you to drop it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Detective Charles Discusses Unusual Cleaning Habits
Detective Charles
I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? ]. Do you know what he told me? He said "Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots... just for a really good scrubbin'... you guys think you're so smart don't you?
[[w:Colonoscopy|I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer]
Duff
No.
Detective Charles
The way you made those surveillance tapes just... disappear? You just... got rid of em some how...
John
What tapes?
Detective Charles
Will you do me a personal favor son?
John
Sure.
Detective Charles
Don't ever play ME... like a flute... OK? Because see, you two idiots got real lucky, I don't have enough to keep you here. But mark my words gentlemen... I mean... you're goin down. I mean... you're either goin down... or by God I'm gonna take you down. But either way... once you're down? YOU'LL STAY DOWN! YOU'LL STAY DOWN! YOU... WILL... STAY DOWN! Now get up and get out! Get up! get out! ...go get up and go! Don't touch my door!
[''Picks up a paper weight and slams it on his desk three times''; ''Throws paper weight''; ''Repeatedly''; ''Loud whistle'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cymbals in an Overworked Marching Band
John
We've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in an overworked marching band.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Over an Insult
Elaine
He's an asshole.
[''Whispers'']
Duff
Mmm... ].
[[w:casserole|casserole]
Elaine
I said asshole.
Duff
I heard casserole!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comedy of Misguided Intentions
Tagline
A comedy about doing the wrong things... for the right reasons.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Reflection on Failed Aspirations
Duff
See those dead plants? I planted those.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Unusual Experiences with Humor
John
Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Nostalgic Exchange Between Old Friends
John
Dave! John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"?
David Loach
I call everybody "asshole.
John
Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time?
David Loach
Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Crime Reported to Officers by Duff
Duff
It's a good thing your here officers, because a crime has just been committed.
[''After having been humped by a dog'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Grandmother's Unexpected Comparison to Trump
John's Grandmother
Who do you think I am, Albert fuckin Trump?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicted Feelings About Elaine
Duff
Elaine... I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch! She's a dirty, dumb bitch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with Identity and Self-Perception
Duff
I'm not liquid... I'm not... liquid.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Threat Over Relationship Trust
Mr. Warner
I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity here. Now, if you have slept with her, you tell me here, you tell me now, and we'll let it go... have you slept with my daughter?
John
Mr. Warner... I have never slept with Elaine
Mr. Warner
Good! Goddammit that's good! Because if you had John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let em rattle around in your skull ]. Have a good one!
[[w:Yahtzee|like dice in a Yahtzi cup]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Creating Fake Identities for Communication
Duff
We should make up some fake names.
John
Why?
Duff
Just in case we have to communicate while we're inside.
John
OK.
Duff
I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got two girls pregnant, man. Two girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle. Who you gonna be?
John
Steve...
Duff
Steve.
John
Yeah.
Duff
Okay, Steve.
John
Okay, Kyle.
[''Continues walking with Duff'']
Duff
Wait.
John
What?
Duff
I wanna change. I wanna be Steve.
John
I'm Steve; You're Karl.
Duff
Kyle!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Character Commentary on Another's Worthlessness
Mr. Warner
This guy is a lump.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Avoiding Disturbance While Arriving Home
John
Why didn't you just ring the door bell?
[''Coming out of his house'']
Duff
I didn't wanna wake Elaine.
[''Whispering'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Planning a Ski Trip
Duff
We're going skiing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Dynamics and Personal Perceptions
John
Elaine never liked my sister Patty. Maybe it was because Patty was a free spirit. I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling my own sister... sexually indescriminate trailer trash.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Guidelines for Pruning Trees Explained
John
Duff? Don't you think you're taking a little bit too much off the top?
Duff
John, I know what I'm doing okay. I've got to taper it so the sunlight reaches the lower leaves during the growing season!
John
what about that string there?
Duff
...the string is a guide John. It's just a guide!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on the Nature of Weapons
Duff
Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place.
John
A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff.
Duff
Oh, yeah? Well maybe you'd like to define the word "weapon for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Loss in Everyday Conversation
Duff's Mom
Hi John how's your parents?
John
Dead, still.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Need for Conversation
David Loach
Why is anybody talking?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Cautionary Reminder Amidst Chaos
Duff
Okay, just so we're all on the same page, I'm flying right now! Angel Dust! So lets keep it real, boys, keep it real and nobodys getting hurt.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Craving for Cheese Sparks Curiosity
Duff
I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Calm Cattle Await Their TV Dinner Return
Duff
All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.