31 quotes
Misunderstanding Identity in a Unique Situation
Morty O'Reilly
I'm gonna have to level with you. Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've ever had.
Bob
We're not Siamese. We're American.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation in a burger bar setting
Man in burger bar
Hey! I ordered diet coke!
[to Rocket]
Rocket
Enjoy your meal.
Man in burger bar
Hey, you shouldn't have freaks in here!
[to Bob]
Bob
You know, you're absolutely right, we don't want freaks in here, so Rocket, would you kindly show this freak to the door?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Insults from a Passerby
Drive-by Heckler
Hey, Freaks!
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Career Risks and Surprising Decisions
Morty O'Reilly
If you do this, you're committing career suicide.
Walt
That's what they said when Erik Estrada quit "CHiPS".
Morty O'Reilly
You're shitting me. He quit?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Shared Organs and Their Importance
Bob
We share a liver.
April
Are you sure you even need a liver?
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A Playful Exchange on Word Definitions
Walt
What's a four-letter word for snatch?
Bob
Grab.
Walt
Oh... right. Whoopsie.
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A Night of Indulgence and Reflection
Walt
Boozing with ]... boozing with ]...
[[Cher; [Cher]
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Encouraging Rest Before a Test
Cher
Go to bed. You have a geography test in the morning.
[to extremely young lover, while in bed together]
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Request for a Private Conversation
May
Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private, I mean just the three of us.
[to Bob and Walt]
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Comparison of Two Situations
Cher
This makes ] look like ].
[[Touched By An Angel; [Trainspotting (film)|Trainspotting]
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A Playful Exchange About Word Games
Walt
What's a three-letter word for man's best friend?
April
Tit?
Walt
No, I've tried that already.
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A Curious Inquiry and a Surprising Answer
April
Can I ask you a personal question?
Walt
Nine inches.
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Unexpected Responses in a Friendship
Walt
She'll be back. Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?
Bob
I don't know. Chernobyl?
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Customer Complaints About Delayed Food Service
Mimmy
Bob, the people at Table 14 are really hungry, where's the food?
Bob
How much time have I got left?
Mimmy
You're already 14 minutes over!
Bob
Well, then, what are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Observations on Appearance
Dart in Head Guy
Hey, do I look different to you?
[with dart stuck in his head]
Man
You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication in a Medical Crisis
Doctor 1
I'm afraid... we lost them.
[girls gasp and begin to cry; other doctor enters]
Doctor 2
It's okay, they'd been taken up to the top floor. We found them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fans Seek Autographs from Cher Outside
1st AD
Excuse me, Miss ], there's a few fans outside hoping for autographs.
[[Cher]
Cher
Allright, but I am not taking any pictures.
Cute Autograph Girl
Oh shit, it's just ].
[[Cher]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection on Past Behavior
Cher
I was a bitch with a capital C.
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The Challenges of Sharing Space
Walt
Think about it. You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself, masturbate in private like the good Lord intended.
[whispering]
Bob
What are you talking about?
Walt
Oh, please. Last night, it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.
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A Promise of Presence in the Morning
Bob
Promise me you'll still be there when I wake up.
[to Walt, on the operating table just before the twins are anesthetized for dangerous separation surgery]
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Aging and Relationships Among Friends
Walt
Christ, Bob, you haven't been laid in five years.
Bob
Hey, how you know? Damn.
[Walt gives him a serious look]
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Humanitarian Award Discussion Between Friends
Walt
Are you kidding? You could win a humanitarian award for how nice you were to us.
Cher
Aww... no. Well, really, is there talk of me getting one?
Walt
No, no, it's just a figure of speech.
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A Playful Exchange About Appearance
April
Bob, you look good.
[after surgery to separate the twins]
Walt
He looks good. What am I, chopped liver?
April
Actually, yeah.
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A Warning About Mace Usage
Walt
She's got mace.
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Confrontation and Resolve in a Tense Moment
Bob
Don't you walk away from me!
[to Walt]
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Contrasting Landscapes: Grand Canyon vs. Vineyard
Bob
We flew over the Grand Canyon on our way out here.
May
Really?
Bob
Yeah, it's way different from the Vineyard. You know, with the big hole and shit. Um, and it's orange.
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Free Burgers and Friendly Banter
Walt
All right. Burgers on the house!
Bob
He's just kiddin', you cheap bastards.
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Inquiry About Bob's Company
May
Hey, you wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you?
[to motel clerk]
Moe
I highly doubt it.
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Conversations About Loneliness and Connection
Bob
Hey, I'm alone!
Convenience Store Patron
Great, buddy, you're gonna stay that way, too!
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A Friendly Exchange of Witty Comebacks
Rocket
Hey, Bob, get the lead out of your ass!
[Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself]
Bob
Hey, up yours, Rocket!
Rocket
Oh, nice comeback.
[sarcastically]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Designated Walker Chooses Sobriety Over Drinks
Walt
Hey, Dave. How about another tall one?
Dave
Got it. How about you there, Bob?
Bob
No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.