23 quotes
Misunderstood Intentions in Teenage Relationships
Gym Teacher
Seth, get off the field!
Evan
Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.
Seth
Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick... in and around her mouth.
[Catches breath]
Evan
Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?
Seth
Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to fuck, man. P and Vagi, she wants to fuck, man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.
Evan
You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.
Seth
No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Guiding McLovin's Love Life
Officer Michaels
We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Health Class Lessons on Physical Reactions
Becca
I'm so wet right now.
Evan
Yeah...they said that would happen in health class.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Appearance Before a Date
Evan
Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
Seth
No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since Nam!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Promise of Intimacy
Becca
I am going to give you the best blow J ever. With my mouth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inappropriate Gift for a Young Woman
Seth
What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my pussy! I could never handle your fucking four-inch dick inside my pussy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Jealousy and Awkward Conversations
Seth
I am TRULY jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
[about Evan's mom]
Evan
Yeah, well... least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration in a Cooking Class Dynamic
Seth
I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher
I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth
I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan
Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki. I'm getting impatient up here.
[His partner is tying on his apron]
Seth
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's BS. ...Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit. And I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't need to cook ]. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin break! ...I'm sorry for cursing.
[[W:tiramisu|tiramisu]
Teacher
Alright, Jules partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth
Jules? Alright, I'll give it another shot—give home-ec another shot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Planning a Wild Night at the Party
Seth
You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
Evan
I should buy Becca alcohol?
Seth
Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have fucked that guy!" We could be that mistake!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation with the Law
Officer Michaels
I assume you all have guns and crack... Okay, everyone! Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!
[Breaking up a party]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussing Online Content and Expectations
Evan
You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.
[talking about porn sites]
Seth
Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.
Evan
Right, I didn't realize that.
Seth
Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Evan
No.
Seth
Not for me.
[shakes his head]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on Clothing Size Choices
Seth
Do you have any normal-sized clothes or do you only shop at the Baby Gap?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friends Share Excitement Over a Secret Plan
Fogell
Yo, guys! What's up?
Evan
Fogell, where have you been, man?
Seth
You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell
No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it!
Evan
Hawaii. Alright, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to...McLovin?
[examining the fake ID]
Fogell
Yeah.
Evan
McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell
No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth
And you landed on McLovin?
Fogell
Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad.
Seth
Why the fuck would it between that and Muhammad? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell
Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once!
Evan
Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"?
Fogell
Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"?
Seth
No! That's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell
Fuck you!
Seth
Give me that. Alright, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!
Evan
What?! One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?
Seth
Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Fogell
Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face! Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21-year-olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, alright?
Evan
Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's...it's a fine ID. It'll...it's going to work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either going to think, "Here's another kid with a fake ID," or "Here's McLovin, a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
Fogell
I am McLovin!
[grinning]
Seth
No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made-up, dumb motherfucking fairy tale name, you fuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Thrill of Carrying a Gun
Fogell
What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels
It is...awesome! I mean, I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Awkward Conversations About Relationships
Officer Michaels
Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
Fogell
It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seth's Thoughts on Jules's Dating Choices
Seth
Are you insane?! Look at Jules's dating record. She dated Dan Remmeck, who's had a six-pack since like kindergarten; Jason Stone, who looks like Zack Morris; and Matt Muer, he's the sweetest guy! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Memories of Past Relationships and Attraction
Seth
You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?
Evan
Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?
Seth
Yeah.
Evan
I guess so, but she was insanely hot.
Seth
Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!
Evan
How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.
Seth
Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.
Evan
You're like ].
[smirks; [W:Orson Welles|Orson Welles]
Seth
Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenges of Teenage Masculinity
Evan
Look at those nipples.
Seth
They're like little baby toes.
Evan
It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
Seth
You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Priorities in Risky Situations
Evan
Do you want to get killed for liquor?
Seth
No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship Tensions and Misunderstandings
Seth
You fucking prick!
Evan
What?
Seth
You bailed on me.
Evan
I didn't bail on you.
Seth
Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"!
Evan
You're the one that drive me to that fucking party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!
Seth
You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!
Evan
The fu— It finally comes out. That's good, man.
[scoffs]
Seth
We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into fucking DARTMOUTH!
Evan
You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school!
Seth
How the FUCK am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—
Evan
How fucking selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there. You obviously don't want me going to a good school.
Seth
Fuck, man!
Evan
So what the fuck do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!
Seth
What are you saying?
[in shock]
Evan
I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin!
Seth
Is this about Becca? Is this about some girl, man?
Evan
I like her!
Seth
Who gives a fuck? She's a fucking girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that?
Evan
Fuck you, man! You're a piece of shit.
Seth
Fuck you! And next time you're pissed off about something, don't keep it inside for ten years! Say it like a fucking man!
[punches Evan]
Evan
Don't touch me.
Seth
Fuck you!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Compliments Between Friends
Becca
You have such a smooth cock!
Evan
Yours would be too...if you were a man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reality of Police Work vs. TV Portrayals
Officer Michaels
You know, this job, though, isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Officer Slater
Yup.
Officer Michaels
If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.
Officer Slater
Hell yeah!
Officer Michaels
I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
Officer Slater
I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels
Could smell it out like a rat.
Officer Slater
Smell it out. Anything.
Officer Michaels
Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.
Officer Slater
No way.
Officer Michaels
Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Officer Slater
Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels
Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
Officer Slater
I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Officer Slater's Commanding Presence in Superbad
Officer Slater
Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas!
[pointing gun at Evan and Seth]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.