The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T. Quotes

Elevator operator First floor dungeonAssorted simple torturesMolten lead, chopping blocks and hot boiling oilSecond floor dungeonJewelry departmentLeg chains, ankle chains, neck chains, wrist chains, thumbscrews and nooses of the very finest ropeBasement dungeonEVERYBODY OUT!

Mrs. Collins Collins speaking. No madam, most definitely not, your son will not be allowed to bring his baseball. Dr. Terwilliker does not believe in baseballs, golf balls, basketballs or tennis balls, ping-pong balls, snowballs, croquet balls or hockey pucks. Dr. Terwilliker believes only in the piano!

Mr. Zabladowski I am no cog; I don't even like the sound of it. I am an independent contractor.

Dr. Terwilliker That's not bad. But not good! You're still not loud enough, still not fast enough! Rhythm still off, still misses the beats!

Bart Collins What?

Dr. Terwilliker Well, it takes time. It takes years! Sometimes it actually does take forever.

Bart Collins What?

Dr. Terwilliker Well, my little watch tells me that's all we can hope to do today. Tomorrow however, oh tomorrow, what a day! At 6 AM sharp, all the others will arrive!

Bart Collins What others?

Dr. Terwilliker Well, I say, you don't think I built this great piano just for you! Have you no concept that I am on the eve of my greatest triumph? Tomorrow, I will fulfill the dream of my lifetime! Tomorrow, the Terwilliker Institute - my Happy Finger Institute! Tomorrow we will celebrate the official grand opening! Tomorrow, down below me, I will have five hundred little boys - five thousand little fingers! And they'll be mine, all mine! Practicing 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!

Bart Collins I- I don't believe it! This is crazy!

Dr. Terwilliker And who are you to tell me what is crazy? Away! Go back your cell! And put on your official Terwilliker beanie!

Dr. Terwilliker Come on and dress me, dress me, dress me in my finest array,/because in case you haven't heard, today is Do-mi-do Day!/Dress me in my ] garters, dress me in my ] studs,/Because I'm going do-mi-do-ing in my do-mi-do duds!

Bart Collins I don't think the piano is my instrument.

Dr. Terwilliker What other instruments are there, pray tell? Scratchy violins, screechy piccolos, nauseating trumpets, et cetera, et cetera?

Dr. Terwilliker I'm sure you'll find this a most fascinating dungeon. That lovely rumbling sound you hear is one of my favorite prisoners! He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I once conducted, had a very bad habit. You know that part in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, where the drummer is supposed to go A-boom-boom-boom-boom? Well, this stupid lout always went A-boom-boom-boom-boom... A-boom! One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever.

Mr. Zabladowski You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?

Dr. Terwilliker Oh, that isn't the man I'm punishing! My man is inside the drum!

Bart Collins Well, that's my problem. Dr. Terwilliker's the only enemy I've got. I can't think of one nice thing to say about him, because there isn't any!

Mrs. Collins Bart, darling!

Bart Collins That's my mother. I like her. I try to be everything she wants me to be, particularly since my father died. But boy, she's as hipped on the piano as Dr. Terwilliker - watch!

Stroogo Now I don't recollect your features, do I?

Bart Collins No...

Stroogo You a piccolo player?

Bart Collins No.

Stroogo Trombone player?

Bart Collins No.

Stroogo Violin player?

Bart Collins No, a... piano player.

Stroogo Then you have no right in this particular dungeon! This is reserved exclusive for non-piano players!

Bart Collins Non-piano players?

Stroogo For them what play all other instruments! One by one, Dr. Terwilliker catches them, brings them down here and locks them up! Pretty soon there'll be no musicians left in this world, except for them what play the piano! I'm taking you back to Dr. Terwilliker!

Dr. Terwilliker Bartholomew Collins! The years you spend with Dr. Terwilliker will be the happiest years of your life. But if you get homesick, don't try to escape. The barbed wire around the Terwilliker Institute... is ELECTRIFIED!

Bart Collins Jeepers, am I glad to see you!

Mr. Zabladowski Will you get out of there, you scared the daylights out of me Bart! What are you doing? Simmer down, will you what's up?

Bart Collins They're after me!

Mr. Zabladowski Who?

Bart Collins Practically everybody!

Mr. Zabladowski I'm not.

Bart Collins I'm in terrible trouble!

Mr. Zabladowski So, everyone gets into trouble. Everyone in the world, the king of Persia sometimes even gets into trouble. But the king of Persia, does he come crawling out of my air vent? Not at all! The king of Persia - he stays in Persia.

Dr. Terwilliker Mrs. Collins! Why are you standing there with that null and void expression on your face? No, don't tell me- I know the workings of your mind, Mrs. Collins! You've been thinking of your son again! How many times must I tell you to burn that picture? You've room in your life but for one picture, my picture Mrs. Collins! Your future husband! Have I not graciously condescended to take your hand in marriage tomorrow immediately following the official grand opening?

Sgt. Lunk Sergeant Lunk reporting to headquarters. Cell number one - the boy's not in it!

Dr. Terwilliker The boy's not in it? Well search for him, find him!

Sgt. Lunk Yes sir, Dr. Terwilliker, sir!

Dr. Terwilliker Your son! And you said he could be trusted! Tonight of all nights, Mrs. Collins, the very night before my institute opens, and your son dares to flaunt my authority! So, he doesn't like the neat, clean comfortable cell which I've given him, eh? Very well! From now on, he doesn't have to sleep there! From now on, Mrs. Collins, your boy sleeps in the DUNGEONS!

Bart Collins Say, I've gotta get out of here.

Mr. Zabladowski Relax, don't take these little things so seriously. After all, seeing as how your mother's here...

Bart Collins My mother's here?

Mr. Zabladowski That's a silly question. You know perfectly well she's in the Number 2 spot.

Bart Collins The Number 2 spot?

Mr. Zabladowski Second in charge of the whole Happy Finger racket.

Bart Collins My mom couldn't be mixed up in any racket!

Mr. Zabladowski Look, partner: I hate to speak badly about mothers, after all, motherhood is the noblest institution in our land. But the fact remains that your ma is in the Number 2 spot. At headquarters right now.

Bart Collins She wouldn't keep me in a place like this! I gotta see her!

Mr. Zabladowski I wouldn't advise it. You'll never make it.

Bart Collins I can try!

Mr. Zabladowski I wouldn't try.

Bart Collins I know. All you'd ever try for is time and a half for overtime.

Dr. Terwilliker Attention! Attention, everyone at the Terwilliker Institute. Down below me, my students are awaiting our date with ]. They will not fail, for I shall not fail.

Bart Collins See? Now do you believe me?

Mr. Zabladowski We should always believe children. We should even believe their lies.

Dr. Terwilliker This is my day! 5,000 little fingers, all playing together on my ]! Every finger obedient to the whim of me, the master! Every infinitesimal, microscopic piece of living tissue of those 5,000 little fingers, cringing and trembling and groveling before me! Before me, Dr. Terwilliker, as I raise my baton! We shall play... raise hands! We shall play the most beautiful piece ever written! I wrote it. Ten Happy Fingers! A one, and a two, and a three, and a play!

Bart Collins How much are you being paid overtime?

Mr. Zabladowski Two thousand pastoolas.

Bart Collins Two thousand WHAT?

Mr. Zabladowski Two thousand pastoolas. Dr. Terwilliker doesn't pay me in American money - he keeps that for himself. He pays me in pastoolas.

Bart Collins What are pastoolas?

Mr. Zabladowski If you must know, the currency here is a little strange. First of all, in the small money comes the drakmids. At the regular, normal rate of exchange, there are 59 drakmids to one silver zlobeck.

Bart Collins Zlobeck"?

Mr. Zabladowski Three silver zlobecks make one golden kratchmuk. A pastoola normally is, uh, 44,000 kratchmuks. But these, they tell me, are not normal times...

Bart Collins Pastoolas, kratchmuks... How much do you get American?

Mr. Zabladowski Precisely twenty bucks. Show me a better job, and I'll take it.

Bart Collins Now just because we're kidsBecause we're sort of smallBecause we're closer to the groundAnd you are bigger pound by poundYou have no right, you have no rightTo push and shove us little kids around...Now just because your throat has got a deeper voiceAnd lots of wind to blow it outAt little kids who dare not shoutYou have no right, you have no rightTo boss and beat us little kids about...Just because you've whiskers on your face to shaveYou treat us like a slave...So what? It's only hair.Just because you wear a wallet near your heartYou think you're twice as smart.You know that isn't fair...But we'll grow up someday, and when we do I pray,We won't just grow in size and sound,And just be bigger pound by pound...I'd hate to grow, like some I know,Who push and shove us little kids around.