The Birdcage (1996) - Quotes

Taglines: What could possibly come between a match made in heaven? The parents. Dinner. And a nightclub called... (The Birdcage)

Taglines: Come as you are.

Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress. I told them white would make me look fat.

Barbara Keeley: [in female drag] What about me? I'm just as pretty as the rest of these guys!

Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.

Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!

Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katharine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert: To Los Copa.

Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand: [[Egypt|Egyptian] Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How ].

Katharine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet.

Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!

Katharine: I paid the doorman $20 - $20, in those days!

Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "What the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about.

Albert: No good?

Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Armand: Al, you old (using the other bad word)! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!

Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?

Albert: Maybe it is great to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's (using the other bad word) Uncle Al.

Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!

Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!

Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!

Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, (using the other bad word) em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

Agador: Armand, mustn't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Armand: Your what?

Agador: [[Guatemala|Guatemalan; [W:estrogen|estrogen] My ]-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little ] rockettes, right?

Armand: You're wright. I'm afraid of your heat.

Albert: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Armand: I made you short?

Albert: Don't use that tone to me!

Armand: What tone?

Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Armand: You're not a woman.

Albert: Oh, you (using the other bad word)!

Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you wasn't here.

Albert: I see... I see.

Val: It's just for tonight.

Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.

Armand: Why're you giving him drugs? What the (using the other bad word) It's Val. are Pirin tablets?

Agador: [[W:aspirin|aspirin] It's ] with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.

Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea!

Agador: I know.

Louise Keeley: [examining the sexually provocative designs on the bowls] Oh, what interesting china. It looks like young men playing leapfrog.

Albert Goldman: [[w:Miami Dolphins|Dolphins] Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How bout those ]! ... Screaming queen?

Armand Goldman: Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.

Armand Goldman: [to Albert; [W:Key Biscayne|Key Biscayne; sigh] My cemetery's in ]. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit. What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.

Armand Goldman: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Armand Goldman: [[w:Bob Fosse|Fosse; [Martha Graham; [w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla; [w:Michael Kidd|Michael Kidd; [Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna] You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do ], Fosse, Fosse! You do ], Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or ], Twyla, Twyla! Or ], Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or ], Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.