10 quotes
Congressional Candidate's Controversial Baby Incident
Wolf Blitzer
Bizarre news coming out of the 14th district congressional race in North Carolina. Now, get this: Cam Brady, four-time congressman, punched a baby.
Chris Matthews
This is likely to hurt him with the Christian right, social conservatives. Really any group that opposes baby-punching.
Bill Maher
Baby is fine, and he said he punches like a three year old.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Provocative Ultimatum in Personal Conflict
Cam Brady
You get my son to call you daddy, I fuck your wife!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Statistical Perspective on Phone Calls
Cam Brady
In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls, and maybe 1,000 of them were obscene. That's a very small percentage!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Misadventures with Fireflies and Farts
Dylan Huggins
One time I put a firefly in my butthole.
Marty Huggins
Why?
[horrified]
Dylan Huggins
So I could see my farts glow.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encouraging Improvement in Others
Tim Wattley
I'm here to make you not suck.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Actions and Misunderstandings
Cam
People are taking this thing entirely out of context.
Mitch
No. You did punch that baby.
Cam
Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby? I can barely make a fist!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Comparison of Moms and Washing Machines
Cam Brady
You know the difference between your mom and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow me around after I dump a load in it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Twist on the Lord's Prayer
Marty
Wouldn't you like to hear Cam Brady recite the Lord's Prayer?
Cam
If the media would mind turning off all their recording devices and closing their eyes. Our Father, Art, who is up in Heaven. Aloe Vera be thy name. The thigh... Thy kingdom... come... the magic kingdom. As it is on Earth in a helicopter. Give us this day our daily... pizza. And let us digest it. Forgive us, forgive our passes we forget sometimes. On women folk with their... to dine, like that is a nice caboose you got there. That's not part of it, I know that. Keep your heads bowed please. Forgive our tress passes. And lead us not into the Temptations for we are tired of their music and dancing. And deliver us from evil with your sword and mighty falcon. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.
[observes Mitch helping him; is cut off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Commitment and Determination
Mitch
I didn't sign up for this.
Cam
Oh really? What did you sign up for, Mitch? The big fat pussy whose too afraid to do what takes to win club?!
Mitch
You gotta calm down. You're going crazy on me.
Cam
I'm crazy because I refuse to lose?!
Mitch
I think so.
Cam
GODDAMN IT, MITCH! GODDAMN IT! My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one! I will do anything it takes to win!
[throws a box on the ground]
Mitch
Man, hey...
Cam
Even if it means lying! Or physically hurting someone!
[picks up a phone]
Mitch
Easy, easy, easy, put that down!
Cam
Or branding myself with a coat hanger!
Mitch
All right...
Cam
In the shape of a V for victory!
[Mitch moves Cam into his office]
Mitch
Okay, I get it. Okay, I'm sorry, everybody...
[to the rest of the colleagues]
Cam
Even if it means listening to Metallica...
[coming out from the other side of the room]
Mitch
He's a little stressed out.
[to the colleagues]
Cam
In a sauna while I do push-ups with a naked Shana on my back!
Mitch
Come on, man.
Cam
Is that crazy?!
Mitch
I think so.
Cam
Do I seem like a crazy person?! Or are you the crazy one?!
Mitch
You gotta stop it.
Mitch
Okay, sit down.
Mitch
Sit the fuck down right now. Breathe. Just breathe, okay? Now, what is going on with you? This is getting out of hand.
[Cam sits down; Cam calms down]
Cam
Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch. I did get a little crazy there.
[calmly]
Mitch
Yes, you did.
Cam
But I gotta tell you, this is what it's gonna take to win.
Mitch
Cam, I've been here for eight years with you, by your side. And we've done some great things. But I don't know what the hell's gotten into you.
[pause]
Cam
What?
Mitch
And to be honest with you, I'm pretty goddamn disappointed. I'm sorry.
[gets up from his seat]
Cam
Okay, well, get out of here! Go! Anyone can do your job!
Mitch
Hey.
Cam
Anyone!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Expectations and Personal Apologies
Marty Huggins
I'll tell you this, I'll make you proud. I will. I'll make you - I'll make you real proud.
Raymond Huggins
I'd say there's mathematically zero percent chance of that happening. Your brother Tripp is a bullseye. But you look Richard Simmons crapped out a goddamn hobbit.
Marty Huggins
Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral... like I've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry. Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.