The Comedy of Terrors (1964) - Quotes

Taglines: A macabre romp featuring 4 great names from the Horror Hall of Fame!

Taglines: A grave case of greed gone too far!

Taglines: They put new life in the undertaking business!

Taglines: Where the GHOULS are...is where the FUN is!

Taglines: Every shroud has a silver lining!

Taglines: Your favorite creeps...together again!

Waldo Trumbull: Allow me, Madam, in this moment of your most desolate bereavement to lift from your sorrow-laden shoulders the burdens and tasks of exequiem sepulcher.

Mrs. Phipps: [confused] What?

John F. Black, Esq.: [who has just awakened from a cataleptic trance in the mortuary basement] Mr. Trumbull... this man... what am I doing here?

Waldo Trumbull: [who has recovered from his shock] Well, you're here because you're dead, Mr. Black.

John F. Black, Esq.: The hell I am!

Waldo Trumbull: Oh yes, Mr. Black, quite dead. Everybody knows it... except apparently you.

John F. Black, Esq.: What jiggery-pockery is this?

Waldo Trumbull: Oh, not jiggery-pockery, Mr. Black. Hinchley and Trumbull, Funeral Parlor.

John F. Black, Esq.: [realizing what Trumbull means] You wouldn't dare!

Waldo Trumbull: Have we a choice, Mr. Black?

Waldo Trumbull: Get away from me!

Amaryllis Trumbull: Am I so repulsive?

Waldo Trumbull: That's the word, yes.

Amaryllis Trumbull: Couldn't you find it in your heart to love me, Waldo?

Waldo Trumbull: Get up, you're sitting on my money!

Amaryllis Trumbull: So you reject me?

Waldo Trumbull: As long as there's liquor in the house!

Felix Gillie: And what if I tell them the truth and say it was all your idea in the first place?

Waldo Trumbull: Mr. Gillie... Felix... friend... I put it to you, who in your discerning estimation are the police most likely to believe, hm? Mr. W. Trumble, respected local citizen and entrepreneur of death, or Mr. Felix Gillie... wanted fugitive and confessed bank robber?

Felix Gillie: [pause] I never confessed! They just proved it.

Felix Gillie: [he and Trumbull are sitting on the coffin, trying to keep it closed and referring to Mr. Black, who's inside the coffin] For a man in his condition, he has a lot of energy!

Waldo Trumbull: The stubborn old crackpot! I could have sworn that he was dead!

Felix Gillie: It's about time!

Waldo Trumbull: I've never had such an uncooperative customer in my life!

John F. Black, Esq.: [fighting to get out of the coffin into which Trumbull and Gillie have put him and which they are fighting to keep closed] Let me out of here!

Waldo Trumbull: We most certainly will NOT let you out of here, sir!

John F. Black, Esq.: Confound you, sir!

Waldo Trumbull: Confound you too, sir! Will you KINDLY have the goodness to die?

John F. Black, Esq.: NEVER!

Amaryllis Trumbull: If my father chose to spend his hard-earned money in the collection of curious objects...

Waldo Trumbull: [interrupting] He did more than collect curious objects, madam, he also fathered one!

John F. Black, Esq.: [as he's dying again] Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more...

Waldo Trumbull: I'll believe that when I see it.

John F. Black, Esq.: FELIX GILLIE---"Why did I ever escape from prison? It was so peaceful there !

John F. Black, Esq.: [repeated line upon waking up from his "death"] What place is THIS?

Amos Hinchley: [giving eulogy for John F. Black] And so, my friends, we find ourselves gathered around the bier of Mrs... er... Mr... You Know Whom... this litter of sorrow, this cairn, this cromlech, this dread dochma, this gart, this mastaba, this sorrowing tope, this unhappy tumulus, this, this... what is the word?... this... er, coffin! Never could think of that word. Requiescat in Pace, Mr... um... Mr... the memory of your good deeds will not perish with your untimely sepulcher.

Waldo Trumbull: To... uh... paraphrase the venerable adage: we shall kill two birds, with one... pillow.