12 quotes
Misunderstanding About Self Juicing Revealed
General Aladeen
I've discovered this amazing thing. I have to show you how to do it. It's called self juicing, You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, and then you can make your own labeneh come out. You don't have to spend any Rolexes. You don't have to give any dirty diamonds.
Nadal
I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man.
General Aladeen
What do you mean? You knew about this?
Nadal
Everybody knows about this. We all know about this from the age of 12, 13.
General Aladeen
Why does nobody ever tell me anything?
Nadal
Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Confusion in a Restaurant Setting
Waiter
What is your name?
General Aladeen
Allison Burgers.
Waiter
That's a made-up name. What's your real name?
General Aladeen
Ladis.
General Aladeen
Ladis what?
General Aladeen
Ladis Washurum.
Waiter
So your name is like the sign "Ladies washroom"?
[notices "Ladies washroom" sign]
General Aladeen
Oh...
Waiter
That's a made-up name. What is your name? I am interested. We are interested.
[everyone in the restaurant starts looking at Aladeen]
General Aladeen
Emploice.
General Aladeen
Emploice what?
General Aladeen
Emploice... Muswashans.
Waiter
That is a made-up name. What is your real name?
[notices "Employees must wash hands" sign]
General Aladeen
Max.
General Aladeen
Max what?
General Aladeen
Imumoocupancyu one-hundred-and-twenty.
Waiter
There's a number in the name? Who are you?! Aladeen's sympathizer?!
[notices "Maximum occupancy not to exceed 120 persons" sign]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Denial of Accountability in a Dangerous Situation
Zoey
Oh my god! You lied to me... and you're wanted for war crimes!
[after finding out Allison Burgers is General Aladeen]
General Aladeen
Please. That stuff never sticks.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misguided Ideas on Missile Design and Function
General Aladeen
It is too round on the top. It needs to be pointy. Round is not scary. Pointy is scary. This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy. They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them.
Nadal
No, Supreme Leader. The shape of the missile top has nothing to do with aerodynamics. It is about the payload delivery.
General Aladeen
No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom.
Nadal
Supreme Leader, I think perhaps some of your information about bombs is coming from cartoons.
General Aladeen
Nonsense. They were research films.
Nadal
In this film, just one question, was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens, his bill goes around to the back of his head, and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?
General Aladeen
There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that.
Nadal
I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons.
General Aladeen
Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot.
Nadal
Okay, I'm there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Internet Costs and Accusations of Criminality
General Aladeen
$20 a day for the internet? What the fuck! And they accuse me of being an international criminal?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Traditions and Misunderstandings at Weddings
General Aladeen
Are you okay, my love? What did you step on?
Zoey
Oh, yes! No, no. It's my people's tradition. We always smash a glass at weddings. I'm Jewish!
General Aladeen
What?
Zoey
Mazel tov! Are you okay?
General Aladeen
That's fine. I don't mind. It's great! Come here, my love.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Focus on a Subtle Performance
Nadal
Are you okay?
General Aladeen
My guy has a limp. I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub because I'm a cockney.
Nadal
Listen, listen, okay? You need to focus up right now and be prepared to deliver a small, subtle performance.
General Aladeen
Okay, great, okay.
Nadal
Okay, good.
General Aladeen
Okay, so when we go to fly...
[Pulling eyelids backwards]
Nadal
Don't do that with your eyes! You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?
[Slaps Aladeen's hands off]
General Aladeen
I'm not Chink, I'm Chinese-American!
Nadal
No, but you cannot hold your eyes! Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American because you hold your eyes like that! It's racist, what you're doing!
General Aladeen
Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's? They pronounce them as L's. So instead you know what rabbit is in Chinese?
Nadal
I don't know how to speak Chinese.
General Aladeen
It's labbit'.
Nadal
It's not labbit'!
General Aladeen
Yes! Who Shot Loger Labbit was a huge hit in China!
Nadal
Nobody... It's stup... All right, I don't care! This is stupid, okay?
General Aladeen
Okay, I'll do Filipino. I like to work, I like to talk.
General Aladeen
I like the shit, I do the kids.
Nadal
Stop that! Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!
[Pulling Aladeen's hands off]
General Aladeen
Now who's being a lacist? You're being lacist now!
Nadal
I'm not being racist! Right now, we have to get on this helicopter and we have to act like true Americans.
General Aladeen
I guess you don't want me to play black, then.
Nadal
Of course, I don't want you to play black.
General Aladeen
Okay, just throwing it out there.
Nadal
Okay. Don't.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
General Aladeen's Misguided Apology
General Aladeen
Oh it's a girl. I'm so sorry. Where's the trashcan?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Education and Perception in Unlikely Comparisons
General Aladeen
You seem educated.
Zoey
Yes, I went to Amherst.
General Aladeen
I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates. It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Question About Parenthood Choices
General Aladeen
Are you having a boy or an abortion?
[to his pregnant wife]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aladeen's American Pride and Palace Gossip
General Aladeen
I love being an Americans! America is number one! Oh, I am from U.S.A.! My father also from U.S.A. My great-grandfather fought in the ]. I am very proud to be an American, I am America's number one douche. I've fooled them. Job done.
[[w:American Civil War|American Civil Jihad; Speaking different language]
Nadal
So, how are things back at the Palace?
General Aladeen
Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?
Nadal
Ooh, Bin Laden?
General Aladeen
Yes, ]. Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden? Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?
[[w:Osama bin Laden|Osama; Both laugh]
Nadal
You mean your Porsche?
General Aladeen
Yes... the ].
[[w:Porsche 911|911]
Nadal
Oh, Nine Eleven, it's the best.
General Aladeen
So I was driving my 911 near the palace one day... and I totally crashed! It's ok, I've already ordered a new one. A brand new 911 2012.
[Imitating crashing effect; Both laugh]
Nadal
You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights... such as the Empire State Building... and Yankee Stadium.
General Aladeen
And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty.
[Imitating explosions; both laugh]
Nadal
Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?
General Aladeen
Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.
Nadal
Really?
General Aladeen
Yes, look, I'm still wearing it. ]) Hey, my English is getting good... ...I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!
[He reveals to wear something resembling an [[w:Explosive vest|explosive vest]
Aladeen and Nadal
Five, four, three, two, one!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Perils of Dictatorship Explored
General Aladeen
Why are you guys so anti-dictators? Imagine if America was a dictatorship. You could let 1% of the people have all the nation's wealth. You could help your rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes. And bailing them out when they gamble and lose. You could ignore the needs of the poor for health care and education. Your media would appear free, but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family. You could wiretap phones. You could torture foreign prisoners. You could have rigged elections. You could lie about why you go to war. You could fill your prisons with one particular racial group, and no one would complain. You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.