The Emperor's New Groove (2000) - Quotes

Llama Kuzco: What's going on?

Pacha: There's no time to explain. We gotta get out of here.

Yzma: What is he doing in there?

Pacha: Uhh! Come on!

Pacha: No, Kuzco!

Llama Kuzco: OK, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelet with wheat toast. You got it?

Kronk: Can do.

Yzma: What's taking so long?

Kronk: Pickup!

Yzma: Kronk, what are you doing?

Kronk: Kinda busy here.

Yzma: Why am I not surprised?

Kronk: You order's up!

Yzma: Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!

Kronk: Check. Pickup.

Llama Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.

Kronk: Meat pie. Check.

Yzma: Kronk, can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Kronk: [Yzma groans] I'll have to charge you full price.

Llama Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?

Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.

Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.

Llama Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.

Kronk: Hold the cheese.

Yzma: No, I want the cheese.

Kronk: Cheese it is.

Llama Kuzco: Cheese, me no like-y.

Kronk: Cheese out.

Yzma: Cheese in.

Kronk: [growing frustrated] Ah, come on, make up your mind!

Llama Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought-

Yzma and Llama Kuzco: Make my potatoes a salad.

Mata: [sighs; Llama Kuzco giggles] Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug of meat. What'll it be?

Pacha: Ahem. We'll have two specials. Is that all right, dear?

Llama Kuzco: Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.

Pacha: Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.

Mata: Bless you for coming out in public. So that's two specials.

Llama Kuzco: [giggles] And an onion log. To split.

Mata: Ordering! I need two heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table twelve!

Pacha: OK, so I'll admit this was a good idea.

Llama Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?

Pacha: That's funny, because I thought you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really bad ideas.

Llama Kuzco: Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

Mata: Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov.

Pacha: [slurps] Oh, boy.

Llama Kuzco: Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!

Pacha: Oh, here. Let me get that for you.

Llama Kuzco: Bleaggh! Uck!

Pacha: Where are you going?

Llama Kuzco: I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.

Pacha: You're gonna get us thrown out.

Llama Kuzco: Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible.

Man: Heh heh!

Yzma: We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.

Kronk: Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that. Uh-oh. I'll get you another one, Yzma. Yo.

Kronk: You using that fork there, pal? Hey, don't I know you?

Pacha: I don't think so.

Kronk: Wrestled you in high school?

Pacha: Don't remember that.

Kronk: Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance--two semesters. Is was usually in the back of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.

Pacha: I don't think we've ever met, but I gotta go.

Kronk: Don't worry. I'll think of it.

Llama Kuzco: Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.

Pacha: Psst! Hey!

Llama Kuzco: So I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.

Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?

Kronk: Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.

Llama Kuzco: It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible on this menu?

Chef: Gah!

Llama Kuzco: Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!

Kronk: Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?

Chef: All right, buster! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!

Kronk: Yeah, but I--

Chef: I try and I try! There's no respect for anyone with vision! That's it, I guess there's nothing I can do about it!

Kronk: [the now-former chef storms out] Uh- wait- Please don't go.

Mata: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?

Kronk: [having a chance to cook] Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill. Got it.

Yzma: [growls in frustration and calls Kronk] No! No! No! We've searched every village around the palace, and still no sign of Kuzco! Where is he?! KRONK?!

Kronk: Kronk here.

Yzma: I’m getting tired! Pull over!

Kronk: Sure thing. Kronk out. Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ohh!

Yzma: [straining; Insects buzzing] Perfect. These are my best shoes. I hate this jungle.

Kronk: Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo.

Yzma: Aah!

Kronk: I am loving this.

Yzma: [gasps; Bucky chatters] Get away from me! Uhh.

Kronk: [Bucky chatters; Bucky chatters] Yeah. Tell me about it. No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.

Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?

Kronk: [Bucky chatters] I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in the woodland creatures. Please continue.

Yzma: Aah! Why me? Why me?

Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.

Yzma: [Bucky chatters] Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh!

Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.

Yzma: Well, then you ask him.

Kronk: [sighs] I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh... squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.

Bucky: [chatters] Aah!

Kronk: [Bucky chattering and stops chattering] Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal.

Kronk: Uh, could you give us a little room here?

Yzma: Uh, sorry.

Bucky: Uh-uh.

Kronk: A little bit more, please.

Yzma: [Bucky chatters] How is this?

Kronk: Yeah, that's good.

Yzma: Now ask him which way the talking llama went!

Kronk: [Bucky chatters] Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'.

Pacha: [carries Kuzco while walking] Low blood sugar, huh?

Emperor Kuzco: [laughs] Yeah, it's a curse.

Pacha: Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.

Pacha: OK. Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to the palace.

Llama Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.

Pacha: I believe it. What was that?

Llama Kuzco: Nothing.

Pacha: Ohh! Whoa! Kuzco! Kuzco!

Llama Kuzco: Yeah?

Pacha: Quick, help me up!

Llama Kuzco: No. I don't think I will.

Pacha: You're going to leave me here?

Llama Kuzco: Well, I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.

Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.

Llama Kuzco: Oh, come on. I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.

Pacha: So all of it was a lie?

Llama Kuzco: Well, yeah. No, wait. Uh, yeah, yeah. It all was a lie. Toodles.

Pacha: We shook hands on it!

Llama Kuzco: You know, the funny thing about about shaking hands is you need hands. Ha! OK. Buh-bye. Aah!

Pacha: Are you okay? Are you all right?

Llama Kuzco: Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm all right.

Pacha: [punches Kuzco] Good! That's for going back on your promise!

Llama Kuzco: [kicks Pacha sending him flying back; chuckles nervously] Yeah! That's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village, which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. No touchy.

Pacha: [headbutts Kuzco throwing him into the rocks] Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong!

Llama Kuzco: [sarcastically] Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad, bad llama.

Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over!

Llama Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid!?

Pacha: Let's end this.

Llama Kuzco: Ladies first.

Pacha: Aah!

Llama Kuzco: Yaah!

Llama Kuzco: Ohh!

Llama Kuzco and Pacha: [scream] Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Pacha: Whoa!

Llama Kuzco: [Alligators roar] Oh! What are we gonna do? Aah! What are we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're gonna die! That's it for me!

Pacha: No, we're not. Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. OK, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we'll walk up the hill. Ready? Go.

Llama Kuzco: Ow! You did that on purpose. Aah!

Pacha: No, I didn't! Now, we're gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead. Ready? Right foot.

Llama Kuzco: Whose right? Your right or mine?

Pacha: I don't care. Mine.

Llama Kuzco: Well, why yours?

Pacha: OK, your right! Ready?

Llama Kuzco: OK, got it.

Pacha: OK, right. Left. Right.

Llama Kuzco: Ha ha! Look, we're moving! Aah!

Pacha: Don't look down! Now, stay with me. Stay with me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right!

Llama Kuzco: Now what, genius?

Pacha: Working on it. OK, here's the deal. Stretch out your neck, and I'll grab the rope.

Llama Kuzco: How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab the rope?

Pacha: You're just gonna have to trust me!

Llama Kuzco: [strains] You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy, or this would be really difficult. Aah! Aah!

Pacha: Almost. Got it! It's stuck.

Llama Kuzco: Take your time. No hurry here. Scorpions! Aah ha ha!

Pacha: Kuzco!

Llama Kuzco: Aah! Oh, no!

Pacha: Uhh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Llama Kuzco: Huh? Aah! Aah!

Pacha: [Kuzco and Pacha laugh] Whoa! Huh?

Llama Kuzco: Look out!

Pacha: Ohh! Ohh.

Llama Kuzco: [rescues Pacha from falling back into the canyon] WHOO! YEAH! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right outta the air! "Oh, I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Pacha: [stunned] You just saved my life.

Llama Kuzco: Huh? So?

Pacha: [pleased] I knew it.

Llama Kuzco: Knew what?

Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.

Llama Kuzco: Oh, no.

Pacha: Admit it.

Llama Kuzco: Wrong.

Pacha: Yes, there is.

Llama Kuzco: Nuh-uh.

Pacha: I think there is.

Llama Kuzco: Nuh-uh.

Pacha: Hey, you could've let me fall.

Llama Kuzco: [stops, surprised, then trying to downplay it] Come on, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless! Eh, don't put too much into it. It was a one-time thing.

Pacha: Yeah, sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a four-day walk to the palace.

Llama Kuzco: What, you mean you're still taking me back?

Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?

Llama Kuzco: Well, yeah. But I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.

Pacha: Well, four days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.

Llama Kuzco: Uh-huh. Four days. What are the chances of you carrying me?

Pacha: Not good.

Pacha: [coughs] Ooh! Brr!

Llama Kuzco: Uh, hey. Thanks.

Pacha: Oh. No problem.

Llama Kuzco: Feels like wool.

Pacha: Yeah.

Llama Kuzco: Alpaca?

Pacha: Oh, yeah, it is.

Llama Kuzco: Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.

Pacha: My wife made it.

Llama Kuzco: Oh, she knits?

Pacha: Crochets.

Llama Kuzco: Crochets? Nice.

Pacha: Thanks.

Llama Kuzco: So... So, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh... I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know... I might...

Pacha: Are you saying... you've changed your mind?

Llama Kuzco: Oh, well, I--I...

Pacha: Because you know that means you're doing something nice for something else.

Llama Kuzco: No, I know that. I know.

Pacha: And you're all right with that?

Llama Kuzco: Yes. What?

Pacha: Don't shake unless you mean it. All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.

Llama Kuzco: No... thank you.

Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince... Taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.

Kronk: [sobs; tearfully] Poor little guy.

Yzma: His legacy will live on in our hearts for all eternity.

Kronk: He never had a chance.

Yzma: [rips off black cloak to reveal a hot pink extravaganza of an outfit; The attendees quickly toss their candles away and get to work renovating the palace] Well, he ain't getting any deader! Back to work.

Yzma: Kronk, darling, I must you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.

Kronk: Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he-- then he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.

Yzma: I suppose.

Kronk: Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.

Yzma: Kronk...

Kronk: I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.

Yzma: Kronk...

Kronk: I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.

Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.

Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?

Yzma: [drops her plate of wings; angrily] He's still alive?!

Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.

Yzma: [face turns red] Kronk!

Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up, in case Kuzco ever came back.

Yzma: He can't come back!

Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.

Yzma: You think?! You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through! NOW LET'S MOVE!!!

Tipo: [awakens and scared in pain] DAD, LOOK OUT!?

Chicha: [to Tipo] Tipo, what is it?

Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!

Chicha: All right, all right, it's okay.

Tipo: You're awful!

Chicha: It's okay, it's okay. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.

Tipo: Oh. Like you told him to, cause you're always right.

Chicha: That's right.

Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.

Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.

Chaca: It could.

Tipo: Nuh-uh.

Chaca: Yeah-huh.

Tipo: Nuh-uh.

Chaca: Yeah-huh.

Chica: Good night, you two.

Both: Night, Mom!

Chaca: Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.

Tipo: Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.

Pacha: [gasping, continue gasping, inhales, sighs; inhales] Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh. Why me? Ooh! All right. Ohh!

Llama Kuzco: Aah!

Llama Kuzco and Pacha: Ohh!

Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.

Llama Kuzco: [spits water on the fire; shakes the water out of him, which puts out another fire] Well, whatever you call it. It was disgusting. And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life.

Pacha: [annoyed] Augh!

Llama Kuzco: [builds a house with a rock, sticks, and a leaf] But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace, I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh, yeah.

Pacha: Okay, now look. I think we got off on the wrong foot here.

Llama Kuzco: [drying himself with Pacha's poncho] Um-hm.

Pacha: I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.

Llama Kuzco: [throws the poncho onto the fireplace, which puts out another fire] And why would I do that?

Pacha: Because...Deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.

Llama Kuzco: And that's...bad?

Pacha: Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.

Llama Kuzco: Mmmm. Now take me back.

Pacha: What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.

Llama Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program. Eh, Pacha?

Pacha: You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Llama Kuzco: Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.

Llama Kuzco: [mocking; throws an acorn at Pacha, who glares at him] Because unless you change your mind, I'm not gonna take you back." Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't do that. Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?

Pacha: [sighs; to himself] He's never going to change his mind.

Llama Kuzco: [sighs; to himself; muttering, shivering, stops shivering] How am I ever gonna get out of here?

Pacha: [Pacha Screams Tarzan Yell] Aah-eee! Aah! Aah!

Pacha: Yee-aah!

Llama Kuzco: Aah!

Pacha: Don't worry, Your Highness. I gotcha. You're safe now.

Llama Kuzco: Maybe I just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

Pacha: [The log starts to break] No, no, no. It's-It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.

Llama Kuzco: [The log breaks completely, sending them plummeting into a river. After riding through the rapids, they are bounced into far calmer waters] I hate you.

Llama Kuzco: [spits out water] I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.

Pacha: [eyes widen] Uh-oh.

Llama Kuzco: [deadpan] Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha: [also deadpan] Yep.

Llama Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha: Looks likely.

Llama Kuzco: [as they go over] ...Bring it on. BOO-YEAH!!! WOO-HOO!!!

Llama Kuzco: [laughs; high voice] Scary jungle. Right. Ooh, a leaf. Ooh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree. I'm afraid. Ha ha. Please. Never find my way? I'm the emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?

Llama Kuzco: [gasps] Wha--

Fly: Help me! Help me! Help me!

Llama Kuzco: Uhh.

Fly: Too late.

Llama Kuzco: [Gasps] OK, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.

Llama Kuzco: Aah! Hmm. What do you want?

Llama Kuzco: Oh, for me? Why, I don't know what to say.

Bucky: [laughs] Ow!

Llama Kuzco: Hit the road, bucky.

Llama Kuzco: [raspberry] Aah! Ow! Huh? Huh?

Llama Kuzco: Huh? Uh-oh.

Llama Kuzco: No, no. No, no, no, no.

Llama Kuzco: No, no. No, don't.

Llama Kuzco: [Gasps] Ha!

Llama Kuzco: Aah! No! Aah!

Llama Kuzco: Aah!

Llama Kuzco: You killer jaguars... Whoa!

Pacha: Huh? Whoa.

Llama Kuzco: Uhh. Oh.

Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?

Llama Kuzco: No touchy.

Pacha: Aah! Demon llama!

Llama Kuzco: Demon llama? Where? Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ooh hoo hoo! Ow! Ow, my head.

Pacha: OK, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm.

Llama Kuzco: What are you talking talking about-- Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.

Pacha: [gasps] Emperor Kuzco?

Llama Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin to?

Pacha: Uh...how did-- Um... you don't... look like the emperor.

Llama Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?

Pacha: Uh...oh... do this...

Llama Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to-- Aah! It can't be! Aah! Aah! Aah! My face! Aah! My beautiful, beautiful face!

Pacha: Okay, Okay, Okay.

Llama Kuzco: I'm an ugly, stinky llama!

Pacha: Wait, Okay, Your Majesty.

Llama Kuzco: Llama face!

Pacha: Shh! What happened?

Llama Kuzco: [laughing hysterically, whimpering frantically] I'm trying to figure that out, okay? Ohh-ho! I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Ohh! And you turned me into a llama!

Pacha: What? No, I did not.

Llama Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me.

Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?

Llama Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the crinimal mastermind, not me.

Pacha: What?

Llama Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. OK. I have to get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab." I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No waste. Let's go. Hey, tiny, I want to get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.

Pacha: Build your summerhouse somewhere else.

Llama Kuzco: You want to run that by me again?

Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.

Llama Kuzco: Hmm. I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. I don't make deals with peasants!

Pacha: Then I guess I can't take you back.

Llama Kuzco: Fine. I don't need you. I can find my own way back.

Pacha: I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.

Llama Kuzco: Nice try, pal.

Pacha: No, really. I'm telling you, there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand.

Llama Kuzco: [high voice] I'm not listening.

Pacha: I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there.

Llama Kuzco: La la la la. Oh. Heh heh. Still not listening.

Pacha: Aw, you... Fine. Fine. Go ahead! If there's no Kuzco, there's no Kuzcotopia. Takes care of my problem. Hmm.

Tipo: Mom, Mom! I think I'm still growing! Measure me again!

Chicha: All right, Tipo. Stand still and let's see.

Chaca: Mom, you and I both know that it's impossible for him to have grown in the last 5 minutes.

Tipo: Mmm! Mmm!

Chaca: Isn't it?

Chicha: [gasps] Look how much you've grown!

Chaca: What? Tipo, get out of the way. It's my turn again. Measure me.

Tipo: Dad's home!

Pacha: Come Here!

Pacha: Hey, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Come here. Ha ha ha!

Tipo: Dad! I ate a bug today!

Pacha: Oh! Was Mom baking again? Heh. Don't tell her I said that.

Chicha: I heard that. OK, everybody, move aside. Lady with a baby coming through.

Tipo: Dad, Dad, Dad! Look at how big I am! We were all measured today.

Pacha: Oh.

Tipo: I'm going through a growth spurt. I'm as big as you were when you were me.

Pacha: Mm-hmm. Sure are.

Chaca: That's not as impressive as my loose tooth. See?

Chicha: Okay, Okay, you two. Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say good night.

Both: [whimpering] Dad, do we have to?

Pacha: [coos] No, you two can stay up. We're just gonna be sitting here telling each other how much we love each other. Right, honey?

Tipo: Ew!

Chaca: Blecch!

Both: [Both Laughing] ...GOOD NIGHT.

Chicha: So, what did the emperor want?

Pacha: [clears throat] Oh, you know what, he couldn't see me.

Chicha: Couldn't see you? Why not?

Pacha: I don't know.

Chicha: Well, that's just rude.

Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.

Chicha: No, no, no, no. No. Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.

Pacha: Honey...

Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would.

Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.

Chicha: [snarls] Pacha, I'm fine. The baby's not coming for a while, but even if it was, I'd give tha guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just--just-- Uhh! I gotta go wash something. Pacha? You OK?

Pacha: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm just a little tired from the trip. Um...I'm gonna go put Misty away.

Llama Kuzco: Uh, heh heh. Hi. Excuse me. Two seconds here. Um, I'm the one in the cart, remember? This story's about me, not him. OK. You got it? All right. We're gonna move ahead. Sorry to slow you down. Heh heh heh.

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Guess where I am right now. Uh-huh. In the bag. Still think I'm the victim here? Watch. It gets better. Ugh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb, and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.

Kronk: Huh! Mission accomplished.

Kronk Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?

Kronk: My shoulder angel.

Kronk Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.

Kronk Angel: Ah, come off it

Kronk Devil: You come off it.

Kronk Angel: You.

Kronk Devil: You.

Kronk Angel: You.

Kronk Devil: [smirking; the angel growls in frustration; to Kronk; points at the angel] You infinity. Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: Look at that guy. He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.

Kronk Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.

Kronk Devil: All right. So, that's a harp...and that's a dress.

Kronk Angel: Robe.

Kronk Devil: [does a one-handed handstand] Reason number two: Look what I can do. Ha, ha! Ha!

Kronk: But, uh, what does that have to do with anything?

Kronk Angel: No, no, he's got a point.

Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're starting to confuse me, so, uh, "be gone". Or, uh, you know, however I get rid of you guys.

Kronk Devil: [also disappears] That'll work.

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Uh...what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?

Kronk: Oh, boy. Think, think, think. What to do, what to do? What do we do with the body?

Pacha: [sighs] What am I gonna tell the village?

Kronk: Come on, Kronky. Come on, Kronky. OK. What do I do? What do I do? Aah!

Kronk: [gasping] Back! Elbow! Shoulder! Unh! Oh. Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me. Stop! Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry about that. Comin through. Hey, you with the cart! Uh-oh. This is not good. Uhh. Hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.

Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?

Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.

Yzma: Not the dinner. The You-know...?

Kronk: [long pause] Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. That poison?

Yzma: Yes, that poison.

Kronk: Got ya covered.

Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.

Kronk: Which is a real shame, cause it's gonna be delicious.

Emperor Kuzco: Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. So...no hard feelings about being let go.

Yzma: None whatsoever. Kronk, get the emperor a drink.

Kronk: Drink. Right... Your Highness.

Emperor Kuzco: [sniffs] Is something burning?

Kronk: [about to deliver the poisoned drink to Kuzco and gasps; dashes off to the kitchen] My spinach puffs!

Emperor Kuzco: So, he seems nice.

Yzma: [gives a weak chuckle] He is.

Emperor Kuzco: [beat] He's what, in his late twenties?

Yzma: [forces an awkward smile] I'm not sure...

Kronk: Saved em!

Emperor Kuzco: That's great.

Yzma: Great!

Emperor Kuzco: Good job.

Yzma: Very good job.

Kronk: Watch it. They're still hot.

Yzma: Ahem. Ahem! Heh heh heh. Kronk. The emperor needs his...drink.

Kronk: Right. Oh. Right.

Emperor Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything OK back there? Well, heh.

Kronk: Oh, uh... Ooh. The drinks were a bit on the... hmm... oh...ugh...warm side. Heh heh. Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.

Yzma: Ha ha ha. Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!

Kronk: [Under his breath; coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.

Emperor Kuzco: Ah! Tasty.

Yzma: Finally! Ha ha ha! Good work, Kronk.

Kronk: Oh, they're so easy to make. I'll get you the recipe.

Yzma: Now to get rid of the body.

Emperor Kuzco: OK! What were we saying?

Yzma: Uh...we were just making a toast to your long and... healthy rule.

Emperor Kuzco: Right. So what are you gonna do? I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time. Um...

Yzma: [hums] Ahem.

Emperor Kuzco: It might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Heh heh.

Llama Kuzco: Now, about you finding new work...

Yzma: Hit him on the head.

Llama Kuzco: ...that's--that's gonna be tough.

Kronk: More broccoli?

Llama Kuzco: Because you're... you know. Let's face it. You're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Yzma: What?! A llama?! He's supposed to be dead!

Kronk: Yeah, weird.

Yzma: [Kronk hands her the vial. The label's folded half-way, the logo looking like the top half of a skull. She unfolds the top of the label with her thumb, revealing a logo in the shape of a llama; tosses the vial at Kronk, which bounces off of his head and shatters on the floor] Let me see that vial. This isn't poison, this is extract of LLAMA!

Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.

Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!

Kronk: What about dinner?

Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.

Kronk: How about dessert?

Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.

Kronk: And coffee?

Yzma: Alright, a quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!

Yzma: [to Kronk; Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! A little to the left. Does he have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!

Kronk: [lays down another bust, which Yzma smashes] Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.

Yzma: [dryly] Yeah, go figure.

Kronk: Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?

Yzma: [gasps and smiles evilly] That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco.

Kronk: The real Kuzco?

Yzma: Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant.

Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?

Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.

Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?

Yzma: [they move over to two levers; Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through; splashes] To the secret lab! Pull the lever, Kronk! WRONG LEVER!

Kronk: [looks down the trap door] Uh...

Yzma: [comes out all wet and with a crocodile biting her dress; slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping; pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride] Why do we even have that lever? Get out of my way.

Skeleton Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.

Kronk: [Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work] Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!

Yzma: [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead; laughs evilly] Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. Oh, feel the power.

Kronk: Oh. I can feel it.

Yzma: [laughs evilly] Our moment of triumph approaches IT'S DINNERTIME!

Pacha: Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons--

Emperor Kuzco: Hey, there he is! My main village man.

Pacha: Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--

Emperor Kuzco: Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.

Pacha: I am?

Emperor Kuzco: Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?

Pacha: Sure. I'll do what I can.

Emperor Kuzco: Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?

Pacha: Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?

Emperor Kuzco: Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!

Pacha: Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.

Emperor Kuzco: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?

Pacha: Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.

Emperor Kuzco: Well, that settles it.

Pacha: Really?

Emperor Kuzco: Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.

Pacha: That's it? That's all you wanted me for?

Emperor Kuzco: I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.

Pacha: Uh...your pool?

Emperor Kuzco: [places a model of Kuzcotopia on top of the hill, smashing the model of Pacha's house] Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!

Pacha: [absolutely shocked] What?

Emperor Kuzco: Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!

Pacha: Um...I don't understand how this could happen.

Emperor Kuzco: [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.

Pacha: But, where will we live?

Emperor Kuzco: [thinks; starts to leave] Hmm, don't know. Don't care. How's that?

Pacha: [gets blocked by guards] Wait! You can't-!

Emperor Kuzco: [appalled that a peasant has just dared to talk back to him, halts mid-stride, turns back around and gets in Pacha's face; happily] When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!

Pacha: [gets dragged off by the guards] Wait!

Emperor Kuzco: [mocking] Boo-hoo!

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Oh, yeah. Everything was goin my way. Or so I thought.

Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?

Peasant: Um, food.

Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!

Peasant: But I-- Oh, OK.

Yzma: Ugh.

Emperor Kuzco: The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?

Yzma: Tell me about it. Aah!

Emperor Kuzco: Hi there.

Yzma: Ooh, Your Highness.

Emperor Kuzco: Ahem.

Yzma: Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...

Emperor Kuzco: Uh, you were doing it again.

Yzma: Doing? Doing... Doing what?

Emperor Kuzco: Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?

Yzma: But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? What the-- How long has that been there?

Kronk: Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?

Emperor Kuzco: Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.

Servant: Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.

Emperor Kuzco: Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.

Yzma: Fired? What do you mean, fired?

Emperor Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.

Yzma: But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.

Emperor Kuzco: Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?

Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?

Emperor Kuzco: Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.

Kronk: Got it! Unh! Oof!

Emperor Kuzco: OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.

Kronk: I'm OK. I'm fine.

Emperor Kuzco: Ah. OK. Show him in.

Pacha: Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--

Guard: Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.

Pacha: Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy peasant look.

Pacha: Oh!

Rudy: Pardon me. That's mine.

Pacha: Oh, here you go.

Rudy: Thank you.

Pacha: [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers; helps Rudy down] You're welcome. Aah! Oh, hey. Are you all right? What happened?

Rudy: Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.

Pacha: What?

Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!

Pacha: [gasps in shock] Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-

Rudy: [leaps up and shakes him by the collar] DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!

Pacha: Oh, okay.

Rudy: [climbing down] Beware the groove!

Pacha: Hey, are you going to be alright?!

Rudy: [leaves] The groove...

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next.

Yzma: And why have you come here today?

Peasant: Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Okay, gang. Check out this piece of work: this is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.

Kronk: [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake] Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma.

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.

Emperor Kuzco: Ha! Boom, baby!

Official: Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.

Emperor Kuzco: All righty. Trot out the ladies.

Emperor Kuzco: [analyzes potential brides] Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?

Official: Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.

Emperor Kuzco: Oh, yeah.

Theme Song Guy: [Ship's horn blows] ♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in 1,000 years of aristocracy. ♪ ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out.

Emperor Kuzco: [snaps his fingers] Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.

Theme Song Guy: [Kuzco snaps his fingers] ♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪ ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪

Emperor Kuzco: Me.

Theme Song Guy: ♪ What's his name? ♪

Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy: ♪ That's his name! ♪

Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy: ♪ He's the king of the world! ♪

Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy: ♪ Is he hip or what? ♪

Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy: ♪ Yeah! ♪

Emperor Kuzco: [annoyed; crosses his arms] D'oh, you threw off my groove!

Palace Guard: [to Rudy; picks up Rudy by the collar] I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.

Rudy: [thrown out the window] SORRY!!!!!

Emperor Kuzco: [to Theme Song Guy] You were saying?

Theme Song Guy: ♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪

Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy: ♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪

Emperor Kuzco: [narrates; the film rewinds to show Kuzco as a baby playing with his toys; the stuffed animal's head pops off when Baby Kuzco squeezes it. Baby Kuzco cries, then coos and giggles when more stuffed animals are given to him] Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah. This is his story. Well, actually my story. That's right - I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco. Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy, and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what. You go back - you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. All right, now see, that's a little too far back. Oh, ho. Look at me. That's me as a baby. All right, let's move ahead.

Chaca: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.

Tipo: Hey there, Pacha! Hey, y'know you just missed your relatives.

Chicha: Couldn't see you? Why not?

Chicha: So, what did the emperor want?

Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.

Kronk: Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison.

Yzma: [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this.

Pacha: [gasps in shock] Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-

Emperor Kuzco: [repeated line] Ha! Boom, baby!

Emperor Kuzco: [narrating; scene cuts to him as a llama; cuts back to him as a human, lounging on his throne; back to Llama Kuzco; back to Human Kuzco; back to Llama Kuzco; back to Human Kuzco; spoken] Okay. This is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner. Loser. Okay. See this palace? Everybody in it is at my command. Check this out. Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.