The Fabulous Baker Boys poster

The Fabulous Baker Boys Quotes

"For 31 years it's been just the Fabulous Baker Boys... but times change."

R 1989 · 1h 54m
66
Audience
Apple TV Store Available on Apple TV Store
66
Audience
12 quotes
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Tension Before a Scheduled Performance
Frank Baker I told everyone seven-fifteen. Didn’t I? Seven-fifteen.
[nervous]
Jack Baker She’ll get here.
Frank Baker Just like the day of the auditions, right? Jesus. How’s my hair?
Jack Baker Awe inspiring.
Frank Baker Yeah, well, yours isn’t. Let me run a comb through it.
Jack Baker Get out of here!
Frank Baker It’s not gonna hurt you.
Jack Baker I’ll hit you, Frank. I swear.
Frank Baker You hit me!
Jack Baker I told you I was gonna hit you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Tensions Rise Over Stale Food and Frustration
Jack Baker I think you better calm down, Frank.
Frank Baker I think you better make sure it’s your head that’s doing the thinking these days, little brother.
Susie Diamond This food’s been sitting here too long. It’s starting to make me feel SICK.
Jack Baker Why don’t you loosen the leash.
Frank Baker Let’s not let a whiff of perfume blow off fifteen years. Be reasonable, Jack.
Jack Baker I play three hundred nights a years with you, Frank. How much more reasonable you expect me to be?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Conflict Between Brothers Over Dignity and Responsibility
Jack Baker What’s happened to you, Frank? You been kissing ass so long you’re starting to like it? You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight. We were always small-time, but we were never clowns, Frank. What’s happened to your dignity?
Frank Baker Dignity? Who the hell are you to talk about dignity? This where you get your dignity, Jack? This where you get your courage? No, let’s do it straight for once. I want to explain something to you, little brother. See, there are people in this world who depend on me. I’ve got a wife, and two kids who expect to wake up every morning with food on the table and heat in the house. I got a mortgage. I got car payments. And, oh yeah, I got you. My little brother Jack who’s so cool and so hip and so fucking sure he’s better than everyone else. Don’t you think I’d like to walk up to one of these assholes and blow smoke in his face? Goddamn right I would. But I can’t. I have to be responsible, little brother. I have to make sure the numbers balance out in my favor at the end of each month so everyone can go on living their lives. You don’t win medals for it, but you can be damn sure you’d all take notice if I folded up shop. So don’t talk to me about dignity, little brother. You’re drawing on a weak hand. Great. Terrific. Walk away. You’re good at that, Jack. You never could commit to anything, even a conversation.
[Frank reaches into Jack’s coat, coming away with the whiskey; Jack tries to grab the bottle but Frank holds it away; Jack stares at Frank, then turns and begins to walk away]
Jack Baker Is that what that was? Sounded more like a speech to me. Next time save it for the PTA.
Frank Baker You just had to, didn’t you, Jack? You couldn’t keep your cock in your pocket.
Jack Baker Hey. Who I fuck and who I don’t fuck is none of your fucking business. Got it?
Frank Baker It is when it affects my business.
Jack Baker Your business. YOUR business? Your business exists because of me.
Frank Baker YOU? Who’re you kidding? I make the calendar, I pay the expenses. Christ, I even make your shoes are shined. What do you do? Show up for a couple hours a night and smoke cigarettes.
Jack Baker Frank. If someone requested “Chopsticks,” you’d ask for the sheet music.
Frank Baker If it wasn’t for me, little brother, you’d be playing for dimes out of the back of a truck.
Frank Baker Yeah, you’re a real pro, Frank. You were doing such a bang up job a few months ago, you had ‘em paying us NOT to play. That’s fucking genius.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Audition Timing and Missed Opportunities
Susie Diamond This where the auditions are?
Frank Baker This is where the auditions WERE. We’re finished.
Susie Diamond What about me?
Frank Baker You’re an hour and a half late.
Susie Diamond Yeah, well, I had a little trouble catching a cab.
Frank Baker Punctuality. First rule of show business.
Susie Diamond This is show business?
Frank Baker Look, Miss. We’re tired, you have gum on your lip, and we’re going home.
Susie Diamond Just like that, huh? I come all the way down here, break a heel, and you’re not going to give me a chance because I have gum on my lip and I’m a few minutes late?
Frank Baker You’re an hour and a half late. Do you want me to say it again?
Susie Diamond It’s not exactly bewitching me. Besides, you’re not going anywhere.
Frank Baker I beg your pardon?
Susie Diamond Intuition, I’ve had a hunch about this all day. Only I gotta say, in my mind it was a little more glamorous. And anyway, if I’m so late how come you’re still here?
Frank Baker We ran long.
Susie Diamond Uh huh. So where’s the winner? See? What I tell you? Intuition.
[pause]
Frank Baker Jack.
Jack Baker What’ve we got to lose?
[shrugs]
Frank Baker Terrific. Thirty-eight.
Susie Diamond What’s that? Thirty-eight? You guys have some kind of code or something? You know, I’m sensing a lot of hostility from you.
Frank Baker Name?
Susie Diamond Susie. Susie Diamond.
Jack Baker Catchy. You have any previous experience as a singer, Miss Diamond?
Susie Diamond No.
Frank Baker You have any entertainment experience at all?
Susie Diamond Well... for the last couple years I’ve been on call for the Triple A Escort Service.
Frank Baker Any RATIONAL reason you think you can sing professionally, Miss Diamond?
Susie Diamond Well, I figure if you want to see if you can swim, throw yourself in the water. What’s the worst that can happen?
Frank Baker How about drown?
Susie Diamond You know, my bet is that you’re too literal a person.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Miscommunication About a Lost Dog
Clerk Super Chief around the corner.
Jack Baker Huh?
Clerk Bathroom. Super Chief around the corner.
Jack Baker No, I, uh, left a dog here this morning.
Clerk Regular hours are eight to five.
Jack Baker Yeah, yeah, I know. I was just passing by. Thought I’d check in on him.
Clerk You can check in on him tomorrow. Between eight and five.
Jack Baker Yeah, well, I thought maybe...
Clerk Hey, pal. We’re not communicating, are we? You want to know if he’s okay. Right?
[shakes his head]
Jack Baker Yeah.
Clerk All right. Hold on.
Jack Baker The name’s Baker...
Clerk Save it. What’s he look like?
Jack Baker Black. Lab.
Clerk All right. They lay the dead ones out in the cold room. I’ll take a look.
Clerk Nope. Just a couple poodles.
[starts reading his magazine again]
Jack Baker I WANT MY DOG.
Clerk Listen, pal. Get the hell...
Jack Baker No, YOU listen, you little fuck. You either get off your candy ass and get me my dog or I’m gonna roll that magazine and stick it straight down your throat. Are we communicating now?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Comparing Feelings to Parsley
Frank Baker Okay, let's hear it. We trashed the Avedon, the Luau Lounge - what's our beef with Feelings'?
Susie Diamond Nothing... except who cares? I mean, does anybody really need to hear Feelings again in their lifetime? It's like parsley, okay? Take it away, nobody's going to know the difference.
Frank Baker Feelings is not parsley!
Susie Diamond Frank, to you Feelings may be goddamn filet mignon, but to me, it's parsley. It's less than parsley.
Frank Baker Look, Feelings, despite what you may think of it, has always been one of the bright moments of the show, and a consistent crowd-pleaser, and consequently we have an obligation to perform it. If we didn't, the audience would be disappointed.
Susie Diamond Oh. Well, they weren't exactly crying their eyes out on New Year's Eve.
Frank Baker You passed over Feelings'?
Susie Diamond Yeah. Oh, and Bali Hai went out with the bathwater, too.
Frank Baker Ah ha. I see. The cat goes away for the night, and the mice take over the orchestra.
Susie Diamond Hey! I ain't no mouse.
Frank Baker That's right - you're parsley.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
A Christmas Eve Conversation Over Coffee
Jack Baker You feel like a cup of coffee?
Susie Diamond Now? On Christmas Eve?
Susie Diamond Nah. Gives me the shakes. Anyway, I’d better get home. Rest the pipes.
Jack Baker You want me to walk you?
Susie Diamond No. Thanks. Hey, listen, you’re not going soft on me, are you? I mean, you’re not gonna start dreaming about me and waking up all sweaty and looking at me like I’m some kinda princess when I burp.
[pause]
Jack Baker Forget it.
Susie Diamond I mean, that’d be too creepy with us working together and all.
Jack Baker Forget it.
Susie Diamond Nothing personal...
Jack Baker Better hurry. You’re a nickel down on your cigarette.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Brotherly Bonds and Underlying Tensions
Frank Baker So what’s there to talk about?
Jack Baker We’re still brothers.
Frank Baker I’m touched, Jack. Really.
Jack Baker Frank...
Frank Baker Look, Jack. If you want to piss away everything we’ve built over fifteen years, that’s fine. Just spare me the ruminations on brotherly love.
Jack Baker Listen to me, Frank...
Frank Baker I don’t want to listen to you anymore, Jack. What’re you going to tell me? That I wasted your life? That I twisted your arm for fifteen years? Well, forget it, little brother. That’s a lie. Hear me? A fucking lie.
Jack Baker You’re right. Okay? You’re right. I don’t blame you, Frank. I don’t blame anyone. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m drying up inside, Frank. I’ve been drying up for years. Do you understand? Somewhere along the way I started to close down. It’s like I had this big house and one day I just started painting the windows black, one by one. I mean, I sit in the fucking Hilton or the Sheraton or wherever, practically every night of my life, and from the minute I get onstage, I’m waiting for it to end. We play the same goddamn songs the same goddamn way every night. That isn’t enough for me. It just doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s dishonest. I can’t do that anymore. I’ve been lying to myself long enough.
[pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
A Decision to Move On
Susie Diamond I’m quitting.
Jack Baker Congratulations.
Susie Diamond As of now.
Jack Baker Well, if you ever need a recommendation, let me know.
Susie Diamond Jesus, you’re cold, you know that? You’re like a fucking razor blade.
Jack Careful. You’ll have me thinking you’re going soft on me.
Susie Diamond You don’t give a fuck, do you? About anything.
Jack Baker Hey. What do you want from me? You want me to tell you to stay? Is that what you’re looking for? You want me to get down on my knees and beg you to deliver the Baker Boys from doom? Well, forget it. We survived for fifteen years before you strutted onto the scene, sweetheart. FIFTEEN YEARS. Two seconds and you’re bawling like a two year old. You shouldn’t be wearing a dress. You should be wearing a diaper.
Susie Diamond Jesus. You and Egghead ARE brothers, aren’t you?
Jack Baker Damn straight. And let me tell you something. Over the years they’ve dropped like flies in every fucking hotel in this city, but we’re still here. We’ve never held a day job in our lives. He may be an easy target, but add it up and you’ll see; Frank’s done fine.
Susie Diamond Yeah. Frank’s done great. He’s got the wife, the kids, the little house in the suburbs. Meanwhile his brother’s sitting in a shitty apartment with a sick dog, Little Orphan Annie, and a chip on his shoulder as big as a Cadillac.
Jack Baker Listen to me, princess. We fucked twice. That's it. Once the sweat dries, you still don't know shit about me. Got it?
Susie Diamond I know one thing. While Frank Baker was home putting his kids to sleep last night, little brother Jack was out dusting off his dreams for a few minutes. I was there. I saw it in your face. You're full of shit. You're a fake. Every time you walk into some shitty daiquiri hut, you're selling yourself on the cheap. Hey, I know all about that. I'd find myself at the end of the night with some creep and tell myself it didn't matter. And you kid yourself that you've got this empty place inside where you can put it all. But you do it long enough and all you are is empty.
Jack Baker I didn't know whores were so philosophical.
Susie Diamond At least my brother's not my pimp. You know, I had you pegged for a loser the first time I saw you, but I was wrong. You're worse. You're a coward.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Discontent with the Luau Lounge Experience
Susie Diamond Oh Christ, not the goddamn Luau Lounge again!
Frank Baker What's the matter with the Luau Lounge? They don't salt their peanuts?
Susie Diamond Singing Feelings knee-deep in paper orchids and plastic tiki lamps is not exactly my idea of a fun evening.
Frank Baker Fun? Who promised you fun? We get paid, remember?
Susie Diamond I’m just saying maybe we should vote on it. Or maybe... we should ask Jack what he thinks.
Frank Baker I don’t have to ask Jack what he thinks. I know what he thinks. It’s five days. The money’s green. We’re there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Contrasting Compliments Between Jack and Susie
Jack Baker You look good.
Susie Diamond You look like shit.
Jack Baker No, I mean it. You look good.
Susie Diamond I mean it, too. You look like shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fabulous Baker Boys
A Reflection on Musical Talent and Memories
Susie Diamond You're good, aren't you?
Jack Baker I can carry a tune.
Susie Diamond You're better than that. You know, I saw you guys once. You and Frank. At the Roosevelt.
[pause]
Jack Baker Must’ve been a cheap date.
Susie Diamond Soap convention.
Jack Baker Soap?
Susie Diamond Yeah, they got a convention for everything. This guy was some big roller in suds. At least he was clean. Some of the guys I met through the service, you wouldn’t believe. The older ones, they were okay. Nice. Polite. Pulled the chair out for you. But the younger ones...It wasn’t so bad, though. I’d get a nice piece of steak, flowers, sometimes even a gift. Usually whatever the guy was into. Got a set of socket wrenches once. Believe it? The guy looked like he’d just given me four dozen roses. But I stayed at the Hartford once. You should see the rooms. All satin and velvet. And the bed. Royal blue, trimmed in lace clean as snow. Hard to believe sleeping in a room like that don’t change your life. But it don’t. The bed may be magic, but the mirror isn’t. You wake up the same old Susie.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.