20 quotes
A Promise of Silence Amid Chaos
Alan
I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug
Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Alan
Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug
What?
Alan
You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
Doug
Okay. I got it. Thank you.
Alan
No, thank you. I love you so much.
[the two future in-laws embrace]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern Over the Escaped Tiger
Alan
Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil
Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu
I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil
Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.
Alan
One of the side-effects of ] is memory loss.
[[w:Flunitrazepam|roofies]
Stu
You are literally too stupid to insult.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Identity Revelation
Taglines
Well, technically, I'm an escort.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Vegas Is Not for Everyone
Taglines
Some guys just can't handle Vegas
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication About Travel Plans in Las Vegas
Melissa
I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.
Stu
That's cause we didn't go to Napa.
Melissa
Stu, what the fuck is going on?
Stu
We went to Las Vegas.
Melissa
Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu
Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa
Uh-huh?
Stu
Yeah.
Melissa
That's not what you do.
Stu
Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa
That is not how this works!
Stu
Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin for me!
Melissa
Oh, really?
Stu
Yeah!
Melissa
Since when?!
Stu
Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!
Alan
You told me it was a bartender.
Stu
Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
Melissa
You're an idiot.
Stu
You're a-- You... You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
[struggles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting the Wrong Opponent
Taglines
You mess with the wrong guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Vegas Memories and Unwanted Surprises
Sid
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Doug
Ah!
Sid
Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with ya.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Paternity Mystery in The Hangover
Taglines
Whose baby is this?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stun Gun Demonstration at the Police Station
Officer Franklin
Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal…
Officer Franklin
…or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shootin’, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin
Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
Officer Franklin
Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
Officer Franklin
You, pretty boy.
Phil
You don't really wanna do this.
Officer Franklin
You can do this. Just focus.
Phil
Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer Franklin
Finish him!
Officer Franklin
Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Give her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin
Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shootin’ up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There ya go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holdin’ 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
[to the boy who had his phone kicked out of his hand by Alan earlier]
Officer Franklin
In the face! In the face!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Events of the Previous Night
Taglines
What happened last night?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Searching for the Missing Tiger
Taglines
Where the hell is my tiger?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Negotiating for Doug's Return
Phil
All right. We got the money. 80 grand cash.
Chow
Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.
Stu
I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night.
Chow
Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
Stu
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's cool.
Chow
Of course, Stu. That is cool.
[claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]
Stu
Oh. Okay.
[relieved]
Chow
See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherfuckers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Police Car Theft Confession
Taglines
I stole a police car?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Trouble in a Stressful Situation
Phil
Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy
Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil
Yeah, listen. Uh... we fucked up.
Tracy
What are you talking about?
Phil
The bachelor party-- The whole night-- Things got outta control, and, uh…we lost Doug.
Tracy
What?
Phil
We can't find Doug.
Tracy
What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours!
Phil
Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alan's Toast to the Wolf Pack
Alan
I like to say somethin that I prepared tonight.
Stu
All right, Alan.
Alan
Hello. How bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
[extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech; pulls out a pocket knife]
Stu
What?!
Doug
Whattaya got there?
Phil
What the fuck?!
Stu
What is that?!
Alan
Blood brothers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Gentle Reminder to Take It Easy
Taglines
Easy, tiger!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern About Missing a Tooth
Taglines
Am I missing a tooth?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Missing Person Inquiry
Taglines
Have you seen this man?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Satchel Debate
Phil
You're not really wearin that, are you?
[sees Alan with his new [[w:Satchel (bag)|satchel]
Alan
Wearin what?
Phil
The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just fuckin with me?
Alan
It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. ] wears one.
[[Indiana Jones]
Phil
So does ].
[[Joy Behar]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concealing Truths in Relationships
Doug
All good with Melissa?
Stu
Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil
Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil
Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu
Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even cum inside her.
Phil
And you believe that?
Stu
Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.