The Inbetweeners Movie (2011) - Quotes

Feeling Left Out at the Boat Party

Will: (voiceover) It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

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Comparing Hotels to North Korean Camps

Will: (voiceover) Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit.

Neil: What about there?

Will: They’ve got towels on them, Neil.

Neil: So?

Will: That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those.

Neil: Fuck that!

Will: No, Jay, we can’t!

Jay: Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em.

Simon: That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it.

Jay: Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too?

Will: Jay!

Jay: Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole.

Will: Jay, please!

Will: (voiceover) Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Nightclub Etiquette Among Friends

Jay: Feed the pony.

Simon: Yeah, OK, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there.

Will: Great.

Jay: You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you.

Simon: Really?!

Will: Annoyingly, that does sound right.

Jay: Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse.

Will: That might be a bit much.

Simon: Yeah, I dunno.

Neil: Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it.

Will: What about Nicole?

Neil: It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine.

Will: Right, then, Si.

Simon: Looks like the holiday starts here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Desires and Attractions Among Friends

Will: (voiceover) While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

Jay: She’d get it.

Neil: Most definitely!

Jay: Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one.

Neil: And that one. She’d get it.

Jay: Right in the bumholey.

Neil: I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted.

Jay: So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour.

Neil: No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Humorous Take on Party Preparations

Will: (voiceover) Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Room Selection and Discontent Among Friends

Will: (voiceover) As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit.

Jay and Neil: Shotgun this room!

Simon: Shotgun the sofa bed!

Will: Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!

Simon: Not really my problem.

Neil: What’s that? Is that the bath?

Jay: Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet.

Neil: Is it?

Jay: Yes!

Neil: Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then?

Jay: Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it.

Neil: Ugh, that’s grim!

Jay: Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty.

Simon: See? (pointing at the bathtub) That looks nice!

Will: I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed.

Jay: (High-pitched) Ooh, ‘ello! (Normal voice) Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know.

Will: Charming(!)

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Tension Among Holiday Goers in Burnley

Burnley Lads: Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful!

Will: (voiceover) It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here.

Holiday Rep: Right then, McKenzie party. This is you.

Burnley Lad: Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dislike for Burnley Amidst Football Enthusiasm

Will: (voiceover) When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Jay's Confidence Diminishes in Small Spaces

Neil: Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em?

Jay: Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil.

Neil: Really? What about that netball team?

Jay: Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves.

Neil: Ah, course.

Will: Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

Jay: Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins.

Neil: Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.

Jay: Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples.

Will: But I’ve not slept for 37 hours.

Simon: So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then.

Will: Fine, good idea.

Flight Delay and Dress Code Enforcement

Check in Woman: Malia flight?

Will: Yep.

Check in Woman: Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane.

Lessons from a Lads' Holiday Experience

Will: (voiceover) I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts.

Dads as Cab Drivers: A Humorous Perspective

Will: (voiceover) Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers.

Transitioning from Schoolboys to Independence

Will: (voiceover) So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it.

Last Day of School Reflection

Will: (voiceover) It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

Unexpected Phone Call Disrupts Conversation

Neil: All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay?

Jay’s Mum: Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. (Her phone rings) Hello? Ohh…

Neil: It’s a bit over, is that OK?

Customer: Not really.

Customer: Excuse me! My prawns?

Neil: Sorry, mate, I finish at six.

Neil: Cheers for that.

Nicole: You don’t have to thank me every time.

Neil: Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit.

Reflections on Suburbia and Family Dynamics

Will: (voiceover) I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess.