The Inbetweeners Movie Quotes

Neil Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em?

Jay Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil.

Neil Really? What about that netball team?

Jay Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves.

Neil Ah, course.

Will Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

Jay Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins.

Neil Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.

Jay Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples.

Will But I’ve not slept for 37 hours.

Simon So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then.

Will Fine, good idea.

Will (voiceover) So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it.

Will (voiceover) When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off.

Will (voiceover) While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

Jay She’d get it.

Neil Most definitely!

Jay Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one.

Neil And that one. She’d get it.

Jay Right in the bumholey.

Neil I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted.

Jay So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour.

Neil No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich.

Neil All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay?

Jay’s Mum Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. (Her phone rings) Hello? Ohh…

Neil It’s a bit over, is that OK?

Customer Not really.

Customer Excuse me! My prawns?

Neil Sorry, mate, I finish at six.

Neil Cheers for that.

Nicole You don’t have to thank me every time.

Neil Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit.

Will (voiceover) I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess.

Check in Woman Malia flight?

Will Yep.

Check in Woman Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane.

Will (voiceover) Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town.

Jay Feed the pony.

Simon Yeah, OK, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there.

Will Great.

Jay You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you.

Simon Really?!

Will Annoyingly, that does sound right.

Jay Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse.

Will That might be a bit much.

Simon Yeah, I dunno.

Neil Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it.

Will What about Nicole?

Neil It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine.

Will Right, then, Si.

Simon Looks like the holiday starts here.

Will (voiceover) It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

Will (voiceover) I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts.

Will (voiceover) It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

Will (voiceover) Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers.

Will (voiceover) As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit.

Jay and Neil Shotgun this room!

Simon Shotgun the sofa bed!

Will Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!

Simon Not really my problem.

Neil What’s that? Is that the bath?

Jay Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet.

Neil Is it?

Jay Yes!

Neil Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then?

Jay Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it.

Neil Ugh, that’s grim!

Jay Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty.

Simon See? (pointing at the bathtub) That looks nice!

Will I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed.

Jay (High-pitched) Ooh, ‘ello! (Normal voice) Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know.

Will Charming(!)

Will (voiceover) Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit.

Neil What about there?

Will They’ve got towels on them, Neil.

Neil So?

Will That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those.

Neil Fuck that!

Will No, Jay, we can’t!

Jay Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em.

Simon That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it.

Jay Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too?

Will Jay!

Jay Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole.

Will Jay, please!

Will (voiceover) Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

Burnley Lads Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful!

Will (voiceover) It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here.

Holiday Rep Right then, McKenzie party. This is you.

Burnley Lad Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished.