The Last Boy Scout Quotes

Darian Hallenbeck (to Jimmy) What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?

Sarah Hallenbeck Call your shrink, Joe! Call him and tell him that you're fucking losing it!

Billy Cole Ain't life a bitch?

Inspector This is a police matter, you dumb son of a bitch! And I'm sick and tired of sweeping up your dead bodies! Now the next time I see your ugly mug...I'm gonna put a bullet in it! You got it?

Joe Hallenbeck Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You’re gonna lose. Smile, you fuck!

Jimmy Dix Okay, you pull up and I yell at them.

Joe Hallenbeck What?!

Jimmy Dix Pull up next to them, I'll roll my window down and yell at them!

Joe Hallenbeck That's the lamest fucking plan I ever heard!

Jimmy Dix Can we try it?!

Joe Hallenbeck It's bulletproof glass, they're not gonna hear you, you moron!

Joe Hallenbeck Now what are you doing?

Jimmy Dix I'm drawing them a picture.

Joe Hallenbeck What is that?

Jimmy Dix It's a bomb.

Joe Hallenbeck It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it! They're gonna say, "don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit"!

Jimmy Dix You wanna draw the damn thing?

Jimmy Dix Happy?

Joe Hallenbeck Are you kidding me?

Jimmy Dix Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothing right.

Jimmy Dix Oh, shit!

Joe Hallenbeck I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "fuck you" in Polish.

Jimmy Dix Hey, that's not funny, man! I almost bought it there!

Joe Hallenbeck Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.

Jimmy Dix I use that shit to get by.

Joe Hallenbeck I don't use it; I get by. Get dressed and get out.

Jimmy Dix Oh, right, I forgot: talkin to "Dudley" fuckin "Do-Right"! Shit happens real easy, man. It starts out... painkillers. Usin Demerol because your fuckin KNEES are shot! Fore you know it, you're chewin'... codeine with your pancakes. And then a truck comes out of nowhere, and you're talkin to God. And you're sayin "Hey... help me out, Big Guy. I pay taxes. I go to church. What's with this "dead WIFE AND KID" SHIT?! But He ain't answerin'. He ain't takin no calls that day. Instead I get a call from the fuckin League, and they're sayin "Hey, kid, your career's over." I say "Why?" Because I gambled. WHY is there a fuckin INJURY REPORT in pro football, huh?! Nobody else has one: pro football does! You know why? It's so the GAMBLERS will have a fuckin accurate ]! It's all business now! They PUSH you until you blow your fuckin BRAINS out, just like Billy Cole did! Can't you see those FUCKIN HYPOCRITES TOOK AWAY MY FUCKIN LIFE?!!

Joe Hallenbeck When you're done feelin sorry for yourself, the front door's that way.

Jimmy Dix You bastard...

Joe Hallenbeck And then some.

Jimmy Dix It ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck No, it ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.

Jimmy Dix Danger's my middle name.

Joe Hallenbeck Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Jimmy Dix You ever watch "Soul Train"?

Joe Hallenbeck Shut the fuck up.

Joe Hallenbeck This is the 90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first

Mike Mathews It just happened, Joe. It...

Joe Hallenbeck Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week.

Milo I am the bad guy.

Jimmy Dix So, what else?

Jimmy Dix Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.

Joe Hallenbeck Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?

Jimmy Dix Excuse me?

Joe Hallenbeck Come on, chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?

Jimmy Dix So now you know my name?

Joe Hallenbeck James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, 89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.

Jimmy Dix Now you're starting to piss me off.

Joe Hallenbeck It's about fuckin time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.

Joe Hallenbeck I'm a private detective.

Jimmy Dix You're like a fuckin lowlife to me.

Joe Hallenbeck At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.

Joe Hallenbeck I spilled my warm cup of piss.

Joe Hallenbeck The truth is a beautiful thing.

Joe Hallenbeck Water is wet, the sky is blue, women have secrets ... who gives a fuck?

Milo Yes, officer, as a matter of fact there is a problem, apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.

Joe Hallenbeck Hey flash, rescue attempt?

Jimmy Dix Blow me.

Milo You must be James.

Jimmy Dix James?

Joe Hallenbeck He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.

Milo I trust you're alone.

Jimmy Dix No, I got the fuckin Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?

Joe Hallenbeck Just you, kid.

Joe Hallenbeck Hey Milo, where you callin from? The bottom of the pool?

Jimmy Dix Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.

Joe Hallenbeck What are you, a fag?

Jimmy Dix No, I'm just trying to break the ice.

Joe Hallenbeck I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.

Jimmy Dix Oh, you're a lot of fun to be with.

Milo Excuse me, but did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this FUCK?!

Milo You back off Joseph... Or I'm gonna show your daughter what a hot date I am...

Joe Hallenbeck I swear to Christ that if I survive this fucking case I'm gonna dance a jig.

Joe Hallenbeck Do dead guys make bad jokes?

Jimmy Dix No.

Joe Hallenbeck Then we're alive.

Jimmy Dix Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd shoot everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

Jimmy Dix I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.

Joe Hallenbeck I'm asshole. He's fuckface.

Joe Hallenbeck Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Alley Thug All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?

Joe Hallenbeck Yeah, that's what your wife said.

Alley Thug Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?

Joe Hallenbeck Ask me how fat she is.

Alley Thug Fuck you, man! How fat is she?

Joe Hallenbeck She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

Milo You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...

Joe Hallenbeck I believe in love, I believe in cancer.

Jimmy Dix What, they're both diseases?

Joe Hallenbeck Yea, something like that.

Jimmy Dix I want to meet the bitch that fucked you up.

Milo Push this vile, fuck off the road man!

Milo Can we get a formal introduction?

Joe Hallenbeck Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?

Milo I am the bad guy.

Joe Hallenbeck And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?

Milo Something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck Fine, I'll start trembling in a minute. In the meantime, you think I could have a drink?

Milo Naughty boy, Joseph... You just killed a police officer.

Jimmy Dix If you go any faster we're gonna travel back through time.

Jimmy Dix It's okay. It's okay, folks. It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Danger is my middle name. Don't try this at home, folks. I'm a trained professional. There's me, and there's Super Dave.