The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) - Quotes

Real Terrorism for Political Gain

Mitch Henessey: You're telling me you guys are gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?

Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Henessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people. So we're just gonna have to do it for real.

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Uninvited Company and Dark Humor

Assassin: Hey, princess. Want some company?

Charly Baltimore: No, thanks. I'm saving myself for when I get raped.

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Humor Amidst Uncomfortable Circumstances

Mitch Henessey: So, you cold?

Charly Baltimore: Yeah. Freezing.

Mitch Henessey: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise — distracts from the cold.

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Naming a Daughter in Conversation

Mitch Henessey: And what about your daughter, what's her name . . . Cathead?

Charly Baltimore: Caitlin.

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Morning Greetings with a Threatening Twist

Charly Baltimore: Good morning, Raymond.

Raymond: [nervously] Good morning, Miss Caine.

Charly Baltimore: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here.

Charly Baltimore: Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me, I'll blow your fucking head off.

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Confidence in Challenging Situations

Charly Baltimore: Easy, sport. Got myself out of Beirut once, I think I can get out of New Jersey.

Mitch Henessey: Yeah, well don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

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Tough Love in a Dire Situation

Truck Driver: I'm– I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.

Timothy: Continue dying. Out.

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A Mother's Assurance in Uncertain Times

Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?

Charly Baltimore: Oh, no, baby. No, you're not gonna die. They are.

Charly Baltimore: Cover your ears. Hey! Should we get a dog?

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A Request for Help and Resources

Charly Baltimore: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

Mitch Henessey: Well, why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

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A Lesson in Stupidity

Charly Baltimore: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?

Mitch Henessey: I took lessons!

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Confrontation with a Gunman at Midnight

Charly Baltimore: Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight. Shoo!

Gunman: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.

Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye, pal.

Charly Baltimore: What the hell are you doing?

Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin up that "ham on rye" line.

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Misunderstood Imagery and Unexpected Discoveries

Nathan Waldman: Stay quiet, and drop the rifle.

Mitch Henessey: How'd you find us?

Nathan Waldman: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.

Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.

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Unexpected Thoughts in a Tense Moment

Samantha Caine: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch Henessey: I hope not, cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

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Unexpected Humor in Serious Conversations

Mitch Henessey: Tell me, do you always curse this much?

Samantha Caine: What are you, a Mormon?

Mitch Henessey: Yes, I'm a Mormon, that's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics. I mean . . . When I first met you, you were all "Oh phooey, I burnt the darn muffins;" now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out.

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Gun Safety in Unusual Situations

Mitch Henessey: [Singing] Put the car keys in my left pocket. Gun in the right hand side.

Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge! People will see it.

Mitch Henessey: You want me to put it into my pants and shoot my damn dick off?

Samantha Caine: What? So now you're a sharp shooter?

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Weapons and Humor in Unlikely Conversation

Mitch Henessey: Tell me, old man, how many of those things you got?

Nathan Waldman: Three: one shoulder, one hip, and one right here next to Mr. Wally, where most pat-downs never reveal it, as an agent's often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?

Mitch Henessey: Yeah! What's the weather like on your planet?

The Perils of Making Assumptions

Mitch Henessey: Do not make an assumption, cause when you make an assumption, you make an ass outta you; and umption!

Confrontation with a humorous twist

Mitch Henessey: Naw, I sock em in the mouth and yell, "Pop goes the weasel." Who the fuck are you?

A Humorous Take on Personal Shortcomings

Mitch Henessey: I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

Transformation from Domestic to Fearsome

Mitch Henessey: What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin out. What up with that?

A Unique Perspective on Life's Mistakes

Mitch Henessey: I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.

A Witty Comment on Poor Aim

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom of it.

Culinary Skills and Unconventional Knowledge

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore: Chefs do that.

Defiance in the Face of Danger

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore: [later, watching Timothy plummet to his death] Die screaming, motherfucker!

A Deadly Promise of Revenge

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore: [to Timothy] It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?

Embracing Pain as a Part of Life

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore: [to her 7-year-old daughter] Stop being a little baby and get up. Life is pain. Get used to it!

A Request for a Playful Interruption

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore: [to a drunken friend] Earl, do me a favor? … Every few words, have some bubbles come out of your mouth and say "hic".