30 quotes
A Quest for Family Guidance
Pistachio
Can I help you?
Grandpa
I have come to help you, Pistachio.
Pistachio
Help me what?
Grandpa
Find your mother and your father, my son.
Pistachio
My father, your son. Holy cannoli! You are my sister!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unrequited Love and Unwelcome Humor
Sophia
Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second, okay?
Pistachio
Only one second?
Sophia
I never wanted to go out with you! I'm in love with Rex, okay?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Searching for Clues on the Roof
Grandpa
Did you ask Jeeves?
Pistachio
Yes, but no such luck.
Grandpa
When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this?
[slaps Pistachio]
Pistachio
Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dangerous Situation Unfolds Among Friends
Devlin
I still have the greatest anti-Disguisey weapon of all.
[snaps his fingers, the Big Bottom Girls appear]
Pistachio
There's a dark side, exactly like ]?
[[Star Wars]
Jennifer
What's going on?
Grandpa
Pistachio's in grave danger.
Jennifer
Pistachio, come back!
[echoes]
Pistachio
Eh, but... NOOOOOOO!!! Yes, I see now. Love is thicker than your behinds.
[tries to muster enough Energico to overcome the dark Energico; pants]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Caramel Corn and Plates
Mama
No more caramel corn for me.
Sophia
Thank you for saving me from that horrible person.
Rex
Hey moron, use a tray next time. That's too many plates.
Barney
How come I can't do it and you can?
[to the Cuteness]
Trent
Lay off my lady, you freak!
Slapping Dummy Man
I'll get you, Pistachio!
[repeated line]
The Cuteness
No more dog food.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Influence and Intentions
Trent
What kind of crap are you putting into his head?
Pistachio Disguisey
Uh, the niceness?
Trent
Niceness?" What are you, his dad? You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?
Pistachio
You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?
[imitates Trent]
Trent
What?
[looks away and back]
Pistachio
What?
[imitates Trent]
Trent
Are you mocking me?
Pistachio
Are you mocking me?
[imitates Trent]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Misunderstanding About Marriage Status
Devlin Bowman
Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called. Sure. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!
['''Steve''': Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir.; rips off mask]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings and Revelations Among Friends
Devlin Bowman
Did it ever occur to you that this cherry pie thing was Fabbrizio's son?! No matter. Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called.
[no response, he takes a deep breath]
Pistachio
Oh, that's great. Thank you. sir.
[as "Steve"]
Devlin
Sure. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!
[turns around and back furiously; rips off mask to reveal Pistachio]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pistachio Prepares a Shrek Scene
Pistachio
I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture {{w|Shrek}}. You ready? Okay. ]
[[Shrek|"Why don't you get away from me, Donkey?" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, get away from you? I'm makin' waffles!"]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenge of Temptation
Pistachio
Can you resist me?
[to Jennifer during an interview]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aspiring to Master Disguise
Pistachio
I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise!
[chanting]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Sacrifice for His Son's Future
Fabbrizio
This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny.
[echoes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Idea That Could Succeed
Pistachio
That's crazy. So crazy it just might work.
[repeated line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Allure of Disguisey Masters
Grandpa
Assistants commonly fall in love with their Disguisey Masters. Can you resist Pistachio?
[during an interview]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clarifying Expectations and Intentions
Pistachio
This is what you're doing, this is what I want you to do. Any questions?
[repeated line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father's Nest Revealed to Pistachio
Grandpa
Behold, your father's nest.
Pistachio
Heavens to Betsy.
Grandpa
Yes. I knew he would keep one just in case.
Pistachio
Yes, just in case.
Grandpa
Now I can teach you to become a Mater of Disguise.
Pistachio
Really? I-I'm going to be a Master of Disguise? I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise...
[starts chanting]
Grandpa
ENOUGH! Your mother and father are in grave danger. Your training begins...now!
[slaps him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Cigar Connection to Past Relationships
Jennifer
All I'm saying is I dated a guy who used to smoke these. This is a handmade cigar from the Turtle Club.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Directive to Be Quiet
Devlin Bowman
Did you just tell me to shut up?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Transformation in Disguise
Grandfather Disguisey
Who are you now?
Pistachio
The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I'm Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights, near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
Grandfather
It is time to test that.
[claps; opens basket]
Pistachio
What is it? That is a big reptile. Not a problem. Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now. I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh?
[a snake emerges from basket; plays smooth jazz music]
Grandpa
Energico! God help me, I love it! A complete transformation!
[laughs while Pistachio tickles the snake]
Pistachio
You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.
[dangling cheese above the snake]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Disputes and Playful Banter
Grandpa
Hey, you're too young for this job. Do yourself a favor. Go home and tell your mommy to change your diaper. Get out!
[walks outside after hearing crash]
Barney Baker
I don't wear a diaper.
Grandpa
Hey Pistachio! You gotta see this! There's a talking baby out here!
[laughs]
Pistachio
I want to see the talking baby. Coochy-coochy-coo! Brave Barney Baker, nice to see you again!
[pause]
Grandpa
You know this baby?
Pistachio
Yes, of course!
Barney
I was potty-trained when I was 2.
Pistachio
Of course, you are the conductor of the potty train!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Son's Destiny Awaits Discovery
Grandpa
Fabbrizio, it is time your son is told of his destiny.
[offscreen]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Belief in Possibility and Personal Growth
Jennifer
I wanna get something off my chest. Today, when-when I saw you dressed up like the crazy hairy guy, at that moment, I really thought you were this-this-this pathetic, insane, absurd, spastic little man. And now I believe that you can do anything.
Pistachio
Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example. I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto...
Jennifer
No, but...you can find a way to rescue your mama and your papa.
Pistachio
Yes. Yes, I believe now too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding a Term of Endearment
Pistachio
Goodnight, my love cake.
Jennifer
Love cake"?
Pistachio
What?
Jennifer
You said "love cake".
Pistachio
But why would I call you that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny.
Jennifer
What?
Pistachio
What I was trying to say is that, uh, I have a present for Barney. Will you give these to him from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.
[hands her knee pads]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Becoming a Master of Disguise
Grandpa
Now I can teach you to become a Master of Disguise.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Standing Up Against Bullying
Jennifer
Leave him alone, you bully!
[referring to Pistachio]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson in Demoralizing Opponents
Grandpa
Pistachio, it is demoralizing to your opponent to repeat the phrase: "Who's your daddy?".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Issues with Authority
Fabbrizio
Listen, you! You have a problem with my son, you have a problem with me! You and you, GET OUT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Art and Insults Exchange
Pistachio
Appraise this!
[as "Gammy Num-Num"; slams "Nest in a Box on counter]
Jennifer
What are you doing? That's the Nest in a Box.
[whispering]
Art Dealer
It appears to be of Tuscan design. I would say early 12th Century.
Pistachio
I knew it was old, you fool! Let me appraise you; you're an idiot. A complete and total idiot! How does it feel?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in a Fast-Paced Conversation
Texas Man
Am I going too fast for you?
Pistachio
Am I going too fast for you?
[mocking Texas man]
Texas Wife
Are you mocking my husband?
Pistachio
Are you mocking my husband?
[mocking Texas wife]
Texas Wife
Cause you better not be!
Pistachio
Cause you better not be!
[mocking Texas wife]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Turtley Enough for the Turtle Club
Pistachio
Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.