The Master of Disguise (2002) - Quotes

Devlin: [snaps his fingers, the Big Bottom Girls appear] I still have the greatest anti-Disguisey weapon of all.

Pistachio: [[Star Wars] There's a dark side, exactly like ]?

Jennifer: What's going on?

Grandpa: Pistachio's in grave danger.

Jennifer: [echoes] Pistachio, come back!

Pistachio: [tries to muster enough Energico to overcome the dark Energico; pants] Eh, but... NOOOOOOO!!! Yes, I see now. Love is thicker than your behinds.

Pistachio: Goodnight, my love cake.

Jennifer: Love cake"?

Pistachio: What?

Jennifer: You said "love cake".

Pistachio: But why would I call you that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny.

Jennifer: What?

Pistachio: [hands her knee pads] What I was trying to say is that, uh, I have a present for Barney. Will you give these to him from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.

Grandpa: Behold, your father's nest.

Pistachio: Heavens to Betsy.

Grandpa: Yes. I knew he would keep one just in case.

Pistachio: Yes, just in case.

Grandpa: Now I can teach you to become a Mater of Disguise.

Pistachio: [starts chanting] Really? I-I'm going to be a Master of Disguise? I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise...

Grandpa: [slaps him] ENOUGH! Your mother and father are in grave danger. Your training begins...now!

Devlin Bowman: [no response, he takes a deep breath] Did it ever occur to you that this cherry pie thing was Fabbrizio's son?! No matter. Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called.

Pistachio: [as "Steve"] Oh, that's great. Thank you. sir.

Devlin: [turns around and back furiously; rips off mask to reveal Pistachio] Sure. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!

Pistachio: [as "Gammy Num-Num"; slams "Nest in a Box on counter] Appraise this!

Jennifer: [whispering] What are you doing? That's the Nest in a Box.

Art Dealer: It appears to be of Tuscan design. I would say early 12th Century.

Pistachio: I knew it was old, you fool! Let me appraise you; you're an idiot. A complete and total idiot! How does it feel?

Jennifer: I wanna get something off my chest. Today, when-when I saw you dressed up like the crazy hairy guy, at that moment, I really thought you were this-this-this pathetic, insane, absurd, spastic little man. And now I believe that you can do anything.

Pistachio: Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example. I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto...

Jennifer: No, but...you can find a way to rescue your mama and your papa.

Pistachio: Yes. Yes, I believe now too.

Texas Man: Am I going too fast for you?

Pistachio: [mocking Texas man] Am I going too fast for you?

Texas Wife: Are you mocking my husband?

Pistachio: [mocking Texas wife] Are you mocking my husband?

Texas Wife: Cause you better not be!

Pistachio: [mocking Texas wife] Cause you better not be!

Grandpa: [walks outside after hearing crash] Hey, you're too young for this job. Do yourself a favor. Go home and tell your mommy to change your diaper. Get out!

Barney Baker: I don't wear a diaper.

Grandpa: [laughs] Hey Pistachio! You gotta see this! There's a talking baby out here!

Pistachio: [pause] I want to see the talking baby. Coochy-coochy-coo! Brave Barney Baker, nice to see you again!

Grandpa: You know this baby?

Pistachio: Yes, of course!

Barney: I was potty-trained when I was 2.

Pistachio: Of course, you are the conductor of the potty train!

Sophia: Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second, okay?

Pistachio: Only one second?

Sophia: I never wanted to go out with you! I'm in love with Rex, okay?

Pistachio: Can I help you?

Grandpa: I have come to help you, Pistachio.

Pistachio: Help me what?

Grandpa: Find your mother and your father, my son.

Pistachio: My father, your son. Holy cannoli! You are my sister!

Grandpa: Did you ask Jeeves?

Pistachio: Yes, but no such luck.

Grandpa: [slaps Pistachio] When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this?

Pistachio: Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!

Grandfather Disguisey: Who are you now?

Pistachio: The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I'm Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights, near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.

Grandfather: [claps; opens basket] It is time to test that.

Pistachio: [a snake emerges from basket; plays smooth jazz music] What is it? That is a big reptile. Not a problem. Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now. I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh?

Grandpa: [laughs while Pistachio tickles the snake] Energico! God help me, I love it! A complete transformation!

Pistachio: [dangling cheese above the snake] You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.

Trent: What kind of crap are you putting into his head?

Pistachio Disguisey: Uh, the niceness?

Trent: Niceness?" What are you, his dad? You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?

Pistachio: [imitates Trent] You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?

Trent: [looks away and back] What?

Pistachio: [imitates Trent] What?

Trent: Are you mocking me?

Pistachio: [imitates Trent] Are you mocking me?

Mama: No more caramel corn for me.

Sophia: Thank you for saving me from that horrible person.

Rex: Hey moron, use a tray next time. That's too many plates.

Barney: [to the Cuteness] How come I can't do it and you can?

Trent: Lay off my lady, you freak!

Slapping Dummy Man: [repeated line] I'll get you, Pistachio!

The Cuteness: No more dog food.

Devlin Bowman: ['''Steve''': Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir.; rips off mask] Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called. Sure. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!

Devlin Bowman: Did you just tell me to shut up?

Fabbrizio: Listen, you! You have a problem with my son, you have a problem with me! You and you, GET OUT!

Fabbrizio: [echoes] This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny.

Jennifer: [referring to Pistachio] Leave him alone, you bully!

Jennifer: All I'm saying is I dated a guy who used to smoke these. This is a handmade cigar from the Turtle Club.

Grandpa: Pistachio, it is demoralizing to your opponent to repeat the phrase: "Who's your daddy?".

Grandpa: [during an interview] Assistants commonly fall in love with their Disguisey Masters. Can you resist Pistachio?

Grandpa: Now I can teach you to become a Master of Disguise.

Grandpa: [offscreen] Fabbrizio, it is time your son is told of his destiny.

Pistachio: [[Shrek|"Why don't you get away from me, Donkey?" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, get away from you? I'm makin' waffles!"] I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture {{w|Shrek}}. You ready? Okay. ]

Pistachio: [repeated line] This is what you're doing, this is what I want you to do. Any questions?

Pistachio: [repeated line] That's crazy. So crazy it just might work.

Pistachio: Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?

Pistachio: [to Jennifer during an interview] Can you resist me?

Pistachio: [chanting] I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise!