The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) - Quotes

Performers: [[w:Beaker (Muppet)|Beaker] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Animal (Muppet)|Animal] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle] * ] as the Schoolmaster

Performers: [[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear] * ] as Fozziwig

Performers: [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy] * ] as Emily Cratchit

Performers: [[w:Ghost of Christmas Present|Ghost of Christmas Present] * Voice of ]

Performers: [[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Ma Bear|Ma Bear] * ] as Herself

Performers: [[w:Robin (Muppet)|Robin the Frog] * ] as Tiny Tim Cratchit

Performers: [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Lips|Lips] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Bean Bunny|Bean Bunny] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Rizzo the Rat|Rizzo the Rat] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Zoot|Zoot] * ] as Himself

Performers: [[w:Bettina Cratchit|Bettina Cratchit] * ] as Herself

Performers: [[w:Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew] * ] as Himself

Ebenezer Scrooge: Must we return to this place? There is something else I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Answer me one more question: Are these the shadows of things that will be, or are they the shadows of things that may be only?

Ebenezer Scrooge: These events can be changed... A life can be made right.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [gasps and breaks down; Goes back to the Ghost, crying; Gestures to his gravestone; Falls to his knees, grasping the Ghost's robe desperately] Ebenezer Scrooge"?! Oh, please, Spirit, no! Hear me! I–I'm not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I was past all hope? I–I will honor Christmas and try to keep it all the year. I will live my life in the past, the present, and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me. Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone. Oh, Spirit...Please speak to me!

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I want to see any more!

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: [To the audience] When you're right, you're right. You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale.

Rizzo the Rat: [Both quickly leave] Yeah!

Fozziwig: At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech.

Jacob Marley: And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap!

Fozziwig: Oh, pay no attention to them. My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas.

Jacob Marley: That was the speech?

Robert Marley: It was dumb!

Jacob Marley: It was obvious!

Robert Marley: It was pointless!

Jacob Marley: It was... short!

Jacob and Robert Marley: I loved it!

Ghost of Christmas Past: Let us see another Christmas in this place.

Ebenezer Scrooge: They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.

Ghost of Christmas Past: You changed.

Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your senses?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes, there's more gravy than of grave about you!

Robert Marley: More of gravy than of grave"?

Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun! Where do you get those jokes?

Robert Marley: Leave the comedy to the bears, Ebenezer!

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead and decaying in their graves.

Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: [In a hushed voice] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.

Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: It's for dramatic emphasis.

Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

Bob Cratchet: Excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. I'll see you at 8 tomorrow morning.

Bob Cratchet: Um, tomorrow's Christmas.

Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.

Bob Cratchet: If you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.

Ebenezer Scrooge: And how much time is customary, Mr. Cratchet?

Bob Cratchet: Well, the, uh, whole day.

Ebenezer Scrooge: The entire day?

Bookkeepers: [all talking at once] Oh, no! No! It was the frog's idea!

Bob Cratchet: If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the business tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; you'll have no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire.

Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only one around who knows that... take the day off.

Scrooge: One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money lenders.

Bob Cratchet: If you please, Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder. And the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel-full of coal for the fire.

Bookkeeper 1: We can't do the bookkeeping.

Bookkeeper 2: All of our pens have turned to ink-cicles!

Bookkeeper 3: Our assets are frozen!

Scrooge: And how would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?!?!?!

Bookkeepers: [''Singing''] HEAT WAVE! This the island in the sun...

Bob Cratchet: Um, I believe you've convinced them once again, Mr. Scrooge.

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: [narrating as "Mr. Dickens"; accidentally lights Rizzo's tail] Night was falling, and the lamplighters were plying their trade. And by the way I don't think I never see Scrooge act like-

Rizzo the Rat: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!! PUT ME OUT!!!!!

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: [suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post] Oh! My apologies! Um... Rizzo!

Rizzo the Rat: WHAT?!???

Rizzo the Rat: [surfaces from the frozen water, shivering greatly] Th-th-thank you.

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: [Rizzo sinks back into the water, still shivering] You're welcome.

Gonzo/"Charles Dickens: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.

Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.